BEST & WORST

This Best and Worst business isn’t easy. Several weeks ago we held a staff caucus to discuss possibilities for this year’s exercise in opinionmaking. Only a . few minutes into the discussion one staffer said, “Well, one thing’s for sure, the best pizza in Dallas is at Campisi’s. ” “Are you kidding?” said somebody else. “That stuff tastes weird. The best pizza is Al’s. ” “No, no, ” said a third, “Al’s is pretty good, but not as good as Giorgio’s. ” “You must be thinking of Reggio’s. ” “No I’m not. ” “Well, Reggio’s is better. ” “Not better than Galliano’s. ” “What?” “Galliano’s – it’s incredible. ” “Wait a minute, wait a minute, you’re all forgetting the obvious. The best pizza of all is at Strictly Ta-Bu.” “Strictly Ta-Bu? No way. It’s pretty good, but it’s so expensive. The best pizza for the money is New York Pizza Experience. Definitely. ” “Definitely not. The best pizza in Dallas is the one that’s always been the best, the original Dallas pizza, at Pietro’s. ” “Oh no, Campisi’s has been in Dallas longer than Pietro’s and it’s still the best. ” As a result of all this, you will not find on the following pages the Best Pizza (or the Worst). But you will find a host of other things that we wholeheartedly agree upon. (And if you have any suggestions for Best Pizza, please don’t write.)

BET



BEST: Gene Street. On the Fourth of July, 1978, a group of Street’s employees pooled funds and bet the cleanly-cropped restaurant entrepreneur that he could not go a year without getting a haircut. Street, our last year’s Best Cheapskate, accepted the wager with no hesitation. On July 4th, 1979, Gene, with hair spilling over his shoulders, won $5400.

WORST: Gene Street. His employees still haven’t paid.



JOCK NAME

BEST: Ollie Hoops is a 6’1″ guard on the SMU basketball team.

WORST: Rock King is a quarterback for the Wylie High School Pirates. Great name but wrong game – he should be an electric guitarist.



NO. 33

BEST: Tony Dorsett

WORST: Doyle Alexander

BARGAIN MEAL

BEST: Harry Jordan’s T&P Restau -rant, in the Texas & Pacific Building, Fort Worth. Harry’s specialty is soup, and he’s a master of the craft. Bean soup, cream of chicken soup, clam chowder, a different soup every day. But what’s better is that for only $1. 10 you get all of the stuff you can eat, accompanied by his delicious homemade cornbread.

WORST: Joe Miller’s bar, Lemmon Avenue. Every evening, Joe puts out a giant cheese ball with Ritz crackers and, on each table, a bowl of Spanish peanuts. All for free. However, when the snacks are coupled with a few of Joe’s high-potency cocktails, the effect has caused many patrons to look up at midnight and realize they’ve missed dinner entirely.

SPORTS SURPRI

BEST: Skip Bay less. We’ll be honest – when Skip first arrived amidst all that fanfare at the Dallas News, we expected a journalistic joke. We were wrong. Bayless is pretty darn good. And sometimes he’s damn good.

WORST: Drew Pearson. Drew’s made some spectacular catches again this season. But that’s no surprise. What was surprising was his one throw: On the sidelines, on national TV, right in front of the cameras, he threw up.



LOOSE LIPS

BEST: State Rep. Clay Smothers, who challenged Too Tall Jones to a boxing match, wagering that if he beat Jones, Too Tall would return to the Cowboys. More than a few people would like to have seen that bout materialize.

WORST: Governor Bill Clements. Before a large audience at Texas A&M, during a researcher’s explanation that skin-diving represents a danger to fetuses, Clements blurted out that maybe women “should go deep sea diving to exercise birth control.”

ADMINISTRATOR

BEST: George Schrader, Dallas City Manager. If George Schrader were to run the Texas Rangers the way he runs this city, we’d be savoring our World Series victory.

WORST: Eddie Robinson, Executive Vice President, Texas Rangers. If Eddie Robinson were to run the city of Dallas the way he runs the Texas Rangers, he’d trade George Schrader for Frank Rizzo, Dennis Kucinich, and a city planner to be named later (who Eddie would then accidentally name and we’d have to forfeit Steve Bartlett).

ELEVATORS

BEST: The Mercantile Building. We don’t know enough about elevator technology to talk hard facts here. But the beautiful, silvery, Decoesque doors on these elevators certainly make them the best-looking in town.

WORST: Baylor Hospital, underground parking garage. In the first place they’re slow. Second, you’re likely to be riding with already disturbed passengers. And third, they get stuck; just when you think the doors will never open, they don’t.



JUDICIAL HUMOR

BEST: Dallas attorney Lester L. May was defending a client accused of bookmak-ing. The evidence was stacked against him: Through wiretaps, the FBI had a lot of convincing evidence on tape. So May brought in as a defense witness one Joey Boston, world-renowned bookmaker out of the Stardust in Las Vegas. After listening to the tapes, Boston testified in court that “If this man was a bookmaker he’d have gone broke, because he’s inept and stupid. ” The jury found the defendant not guilty.

WORST: Judge J. C. Duvall of Fort Worth, in the trial of an Iranian student caught shoplifting, threatened to invoke Moslem law and thereby cut off the hands of the student. Duvall later said he was kidding.



PRINTABLE BATHROOM WALL QRAFFITI



BEST: Lakewood Yacht Club men’s room. “Whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks. “

WORST: Lakewood Yacht Club men’s room. “Long live the Shaw. “



PARKING

BEST: Fidelity Union Parking Garage. Manager Ennis Haywood and his cohorts run a first-class operation. They’ll fill your car with gas, they’ll get it washed, they stay open till midnight, and the garage has its own little pharmacy. And best of all, the garage has a connecting door to the Bullington Point bar, so you can conveniently end your work day with a cocktail or two. But Ennis has his limits – he won’t drive you home.

WORST: Hall & McKinney. This busy little corner can’t keep up with itself, and the tow truck people have discovered a gold mine, particularly at night. Fran’s parking lot and The Register Antiques parking lot are a sure tow. Many a patron of Andrew’s bar and restaurant has stumbled out at midnight only to discovered that his car was now in Oak Cliff.



OLD CHARACTER

BEST: Jimmy Gambulos. Mr. Gambulos has been in the Dallas restaurant business longer than anyone can remember. For the last umpteen years, this venerable Greek has been a fixture at the Oyster House on Akard (now owned and managed by his son, Charlie); every day Mr. Gambulos stands presiding over the dining room at lunch, never intrusive, but always willing to tell old tales of Dallas if asked. He has a lot of tales – he’s 98 years old. Recently, Mr. Gambulos suffered a stroke and is currently recovering; but knowing Jimmy Gambulos, we trust he’ll be back presiding at the Oyster House before long.

WORST: Addie Barlow Frazier (a. k. a. Dixie Leber), local leader of the Ku Klux Klan. Some say there’s a fine line between senility and insanity. In the case of the seventy-three-year-old Dixie, it doesn’t really matter which side of the line she’s on. She’s definitely over the brink.



COMEBACK

BEST: Garry Weber. When Weber lost out to Bob Folsom in a bitter mayoral race, most observers counted him out. But Weber quickly bounced back to become County Judge, and has made commendable strides in restoring order to the courthouse.

WORST: Nolan Estes. We thought we’d gotten rid of Nolan once and for all when he departed for Austin. But he keeps coming back to haunt us.



MARKSWOMAN



BEST: Jackie Ramsey. In the all-gauge competition of the Texas Skeet Championship at the Dallas Gun Club, Jackie broke 492 out of a possible 500 targets.

WORST: Priscilla Davis. Priscilla hit a bull’s eye on her hand at close range, but unfortunately she was just trying to unload the gun.



MARKSMAN



BEST: Bill Yeatts. Yeatts, a shooting instructor, has been filmed shooting aspirin out of the air with a BB gun.

WORST: Roderick Devine. Roderick, last year’s Worst Driver, boasts a new dubious achievement. Roderick attempted to shoot himself in the head with a. 22, but missed. He blamed it on the gunsight. He didn’t miss entirely, but escaped serious damage, and his employer says, “Rod-, erick actually thinks a lot straighter now. “



FISH STORY

BEST: Local anglers claim that the best fishing hole in these parts is Benton Rutledge’s stock tank, 5 1/2 miles south of Ben Wheeler, Texas. They say it’s loaded with 7- to 10-lb. bass, and they bring back the goods to prove it. (Pick up the gate key at the nearby Gulf station.)

WORST: This past summer, in its daily fishing report, the Dallas News noted that a 52-lb. catfish was caught in White Rock Lake. Anyone who believes there are 52-lb. catfish in White Rock Lake has also personally seen the Loch Ness Monster.



LAID POLITICA PLANS

BEST: Don Byrd. The former police chief has carried off a careful, quiet, timely campaign for sheriff – and will very likely win.

WORST: Bill Blackburn. I’m going to run for mayor. No I’m not, yes I am, no I’m not, yes I am, no I’m not.

UNDISCOVERED MEXICAN CAFE

BEST: Are you kidding? We’re not about to spill the beans in this category again. Every time we publicize one of these places, our next visit finds the parking lot jammed with Mercedeses and a line of fur coats and leather jackets standing outside the door. In fact, we’d be a lot smarter to say that the Best cafe is the Worst, so nobody would go and we could still enjoy it.

WORST: Rosita’s Cafe, on Maple. Really awful. Don’t go.



CHRISTMAS TOY

BEST: The 2XL Robot by Mego. This little computerized, tape-fed fellow is a real kick, the most entertaining educational toy to come along in some time. He’s a trivia expert; he asks the question, the kid punches in the answer, and then 2XL responds in the style of a wise-guy game show host. Kind of a cross between R2D2 and Richard Dawson.

WORST: Baby Wet ’n’ Rash. The Tiny Tears of the Eighties. Child gives Baby drink. Baby wets diapers and develops rash. Child applies ointment to Baby. Rash clears up. (Honest. We couldn’t make up something like that. )



NEW SKYSCRAPER

BEST: One Dallas Centre. This angular, gray-banded beauty, designed by Henry Cobb of I. M. Pei, is an aesthetic delight. And thank goodness. It’s one of few Dallas skyscrapers built in recent years to show any distinctive character.

WORST: Plaza of the Americas. This multi-tiered project, designed by the Har-wood K. Smith firm, isn’t finished yet, but from what can be seen, they might want to knock it down and start over. As our architectural critic points out, “It has all the appeal of a stack of milk cartons.”



AUTO MECHANIC

BEST: Steve King, Willow Creek Exxon, 9701 N. Central Expressway. When you find an auto mechanic no one will criticize, you’ve found one rare auto mechanic. Steve King got nothing but high marks in our research; he was cited as both knowledgeable and honest. He works on all American cars, as well as Datsuns and Toyotas. There are specialists around with more specific skills, but for a general mechanic for overall maintenance, you won’t find better.

NON-NEWS STORY



BEST: The Sheriff Carl Thomas Free Parking Story. The Sheriff, with his trusty Deputy White, was driving out of DFW Airport one night and, at the parking booth, was asked to pay. Thomas refused, becoming enraged and screaming, “I’m the Sheriff of Dallas County and as Sheriff of this County I can park anywhere I damn well please!” The booth operator was not impressed, seeing as how this was the north exit, which is in Tarrant County.

WORST: The Erik Jonsson Free Parking Story. The Times Herald published a rather self-righteous “expose” of the fact that Erik Jonsson and other civic leaders park free at DFW Airport. In the first place, Erik Jonsson practically built the airport, so who cares if he parks free? In the second place, the story failed to note that the airport provides free parking to members of the press.



PUBLIC SERVANT



BEST: U. S. Rep. Martin Frost. It was a surprise to many local politicos when Frost was elected in the first place; the freshman Congressman from District 24 has proved an even better surprise with his performance. He’s been incredi- bly hard-working and communicative with his constituents (he was the only local Congressman, for example, to return to Dallas for some grass roots feedback on the Iranian crisis). By comparison, he’s put some of his veteran colleagues to shame.

WORST: Brad Lapsley, president of the Dallas School Board. Lapsley has done as little as humanly possible to straighten out the mess in the Dallas Independent School District. In fact, his ineptitude and refusal to face facts have made it worse.



CHEAP HAIRCUT

BEST: Bill O’Neal, Inwood Barber Shop, Inwood Shopping Center. Bill has been cutting hair here a long time, and things haven’t changed much. It’s still an old-fashioned barber shop, complete with Vitalis, razor strops, and electric shears. It also has the closest thing to old-fashioned prices you’ll find; Bill cringed recently when he was forced to raise his price to $3. 75. Another nice thing about Bill is that he’ll cut women’s hair; however, that’ll cost you. Four dollars.

WORST: Artistic Barber College, 1925 Greenville Avenue. Well, the price is right – $1. 50. But you get what you pay for, guinea pig. One regular patron by the name of Tom, who used to frequent the place because he is unrelentingly frugal and has irrevocably bad hair, says, “Pick a chair, any chair. You can’t go right. ” However, even Tom decided recently to seek a new barber when one of the Artistic students attempted to cut the mole off his neck.

FEMALE IN PUBLIC VIEW



BEST: Tsuki. She’s the hottest fashion model around, after an unlikely and meteoric rise. One year ago, Tsuki Caspary was recovering from a severe automobile accident; she had never modeled in her life. Today she’s at the top of her trade, a throwback to the classic style of the Sixties – tall and thin, with sculpted exotic features.

WORST: Joy Smith. Joy, of Fort Worth, is the self-proclaimed leader of the Cullen Davis trial groupies. She first boasted that she paid $5000 to buy a Kennedale weekly newspaper in * order to get press credentials and a guaranteed daily seat at the Davis trials in the courtroom press section. In the wake of the not-guilty verdict, Joy swooned for TV cameras while murmuring, “Thank the Lord, thank the Lord. ” And after the trial she leased an airplane to pull a large banner over Fort Worth, proclaiming “Justice At Last! Cullen, We Love You. “



SHOE REPAIR

BEST: Main Street Shoe Repair, 1809 Main Street. The only place in town that will repair your shoes while you wait. Good prices and good work. On any lunch hour you can find two or three businessmen standing in the shop in their three-piece suits and their socks, waiting for their shoes to come out.

WORST: Standard Shoe Repair, 1821 Main Street. A: They won’t do anything while you wait. B: They won’t take checks and they won’t make change unless you buy something. C: They require a deposit for each pair of shoes you leave with them. We presume that the deposit is so that if they ruin your shoes, they still get paid.



TATTOO ARTIST

BEST: Ron Myers of Tattoos by Ron, 2702 Samuell. When you decide to decorate yourself, Ron is the man to see. If you like, he’ll do your entire body – he’s done it before. Ladies need not be timid – Ron says that 60 percent of his customers are women.

WORST: Mike Stower. Mike isn’t really bad, he’s just not very creative. He owns the Bamboo Pet Shop on Lovers Lane, where he tattoos owners’ Social Security numbers onto the flanks of dogs and cats. Says Mike, “1 don’t do anything fancy. “



FICTION WRITER

BEST: D. L. Coburn, playwright.

WORST: Maryln Schwartz, Dallas News.

THROW

BEST: Michael Carter. On June 16, 1979, Michael Carter, then a student at Thomas Jefferson High School (now an SMU Mustang and prime Olympic candidate), whirled and heaved the 12-pound shot 81’ 3 1/2″, shattering the previous world high school shotput record by over nine feet. Track aficionados called it one of the most extraordinary achievements ever. To put Michael’s strength in perspective, it’s worth noting that he also threw the 16-lb. shot 67’9″, which would have beaten last year’s best NCAA college throw by three feet.

WORST: Mike Ford. In the second quarter of SMU’s game with TCU, 0-0, ball on the SMU 23, third down six, quarterback Ford faded back to pass and let fly over the middle toward Charles Waggoner. Just after Ford released the ball, he was crushed by a TCU defender, and his right leg was broken. Ford was out for the season – thereby throwing Mustang Mania out the window. The pass was complete for 13 yards.



GIMMICK

BEST: The Canhandler, invented by Tom Chapman, founder of Canhandler Inc., on N. Hall St. One day last year, Tom, on a whim, took an old neoprene diving suit, wrapped a piece of it around a can of beer, and discovered that its insulation powers were far superior to those of styrofoam. He has since sold 900, 000 of the little wonders, has cut a contract with the NFL, and projects $2 million in sales by February.

WORST: Rootin’ Tootin’ Ranger. The Texas Rangers’ mascot was so ridiculous it caused even kids to cringe in embarrassment.

UNKNOWN HAMBURGER

BEST: Preston Forest Bowling Alley. For some reason, bowling alleys often seem to be purveyors of great greaseburgers. And according to local bowling-burger aficionados, the burger at the Preston Forest lanes is tops. Be sure to towel off after eating, though, or your next ball will land ten yards behind you.

WORST: Rose’s, 4517 Greenville near Yale Blvd. Don’t get us wrong. This little Greenville Avenue hideaway puts out one of the best five-napkin burgers the world has ever seen. The problem, though, is that it has become a nearly inaccessible hamburger. When the city decided to widen Greenville Avenue here, it ate up almost all of poor Rose’s parking. Which helps preserve the cult secrecy of the place, but makes it damn hard to get to the food. Best access is by foot: It’s worth the walk.



RESTROOM



BEST: The men’s room, lobby of the Fairmont Hotel. This room belongs to Charley, the valet. Like all valets, Charley provides cologne and breath mints and other sundry fresheners; but unlike most valets, Charley makes you feel good about spending a dollar to wash your hands.

WORST: The ladies’ room, Guadalajara restaurant on Henderson. Some bathrooms are seedy; this one’s spooky. It’s actually a long, dark corridor, like a cold metal tomb, narrowing at the end where the toilet sits, illuminated only by a dim bulb on a string. You feel like you’ve been caught with your pants down in a bad black-and-white prisoner of war movie.

UNUSUAL APPETIZER

BEST: Fundido at Las Pampas restaurant. Sometimes simple can be exquisite. All it amounts to is three hot flour tortillas and a dish of hot blended cheeses and butter. Spoon the cheese into the tortilla. Roll. Eat.

WORST: Le Toast a la Moelle at Le Louvre restaurant. What this is, is bone marrow on toast. If God had meant for us to eat bone marrow, he wouldn’t have put bone around it.

POLICE TEAM



BEST: DPD Officers Ron Cawthon and C. J. Williams. These two patrol together on Beat 135, in Southeast Dallas. Only cops really know how good other cops are, and the word from the station is that these guys are the best.

WORST: DPD Investigators John Landers and Linda Fulghum. Nobody’s quite sure what these two actually do because they sure don’t have much to show for it. But at least one veteran police reporter knows what they don’t do; says he, “Those two couldn’t find sand in a desert.”



OFFBEAT BAR ENTERTAINMENT

BEST: Anson Funderburgh and the Rockets. A good blues band is hard to find these days, and these guys are the best around. They play in various bars around town, but the surest place to catch them is Poor David’s Pub on McKinney, Monday nights. The cool thing about the Rockets is that they really live out the blues bit; Anson, for example, says “cat” a lot.

WORST: Backyard bug light, Greenville Avenue Country Club. This bar and restaurant has a unique feature – a back yard with a swimming pool. In the summer, it’s quite pleasant to sit out by the pool and eat burgers and sip cocktails. Except that in one corner of the yard is a large bug light, which attracts the little creatures and then fries them with a crackle and a flash. On a heavy night, it’s a rather horrifying display of insectivorous pyrotechnics.

SPORTSCASTER



BEST: Jon Miller, the Voice of the Texas Rangers. Jon has long been underrated, perhaps because of the team he covers. But he’s as good a play-by-play man as there is, never at a loss for words in the toughest game of all to broadcast. What’s more, he’s one of the wittiest characters in the business. His greatest talent, though, is impressions of other sports-casters, uncanny renditions of people like Vin Scully, Harry Caray, and Al Michaels. He also imitates P. A. announcers in other ballparks. Last summer he sat in briefly for the long-time announcer at Fenway Park and the Red Sox faithful didn’t even notice.

WORST: This one’s a toss-up. In our poll of local sports nuts, there was strong disfavor for both Jim Brinson of Channel 5 and Bob McClain of Channel 4. But it’s impossible to say which is the bigger buffoon. Take your pick.



RADIO TALK SHOW CALLER

BEST: The mystery man who calls himself ’Sterling” calls in regularly to Brad Sham’s sports show on KRLD to talk baseball. He knows a lot. about baseball and he’s fun to listen to.

WORST: “Sterling” is also a regular caller to Kevin McCarthy’s show on WFAA, where he likes to talk politics. He ought to stick to baseball.

CATERER

BEST: William Overturf. After retiring as a hairdresser, William Overturf turned to his other craft – cooking. His one-man catering operation serves only small parties (16 maximum) and specializes in French nouvelle cuisine. A sample meal might begin with Beluga malossol caviar, followed by a consomme Celestine, then mousse of ocean cod, a puff pastry with tomato scallop sauce, sauteed celery with hazelnuts, and glazed melon balls, and end up with a poached pear torte. In addition Overturf provides appropriate wines for each course. The magic number is 522-7843. He is, of course, expensive, but what do you think this is – chopped sirloin?

PHOTOGENIC FEET

BEST: Chris Kaplan. Chris undoubtedly has the most photographed feet in Dallas. She is the premiere foot model at the Apparel Mart, and her size 6 mediums have appeared in hundreds of newspaper and magazine ads. If you see an ad for shoes in Dallas, the feet inside probably belong to Chris.

WORST: Robert Newhouse. The Cowboy fullback’s feet are 10 1/2 EEEEE. Which means they are practically square.



KILLER COCKTAIL

BEST: Long Island Tea at the Stoneleigh P. on Maple. This is a deceptive little devil. Bartender Michael Cook’s recipe: Equal parts (approximately 3/4 oz. of each) vodka, rum, gin, and tequila are mixed with a shot of Coca-Cola, a splash of Sweet & Sour, a splash of orange juice, and a dash of Rose’s lime juice. The result, at $2. 50 a pop, is served on the rocks in a large tumbler, and looks very much like a harmless glass of iced tea. What’s more, the blend is quite mild to the taste. But after two or three of these you will be rich, intelligent, and powerful, and will possess a fine singing voice.

WORST: Alice in Wonderland at Andrew’s on McKinney. A blend of, get this, tequila, Tia Maria, and Grand Marnier. Now this is actually a tasty little number and a tasteful establishment in which to drink it. But, guaranteed, when you wake up the next morning, you’ll wish you’d died in your sleep.



FORT WORTH VIEW

BEST: The Water Gardens from the Union Gospel Mission.

WORST: The Union Gospel Mission from the Water Gardens.

CIVIC EMBARRASSMENT

BEST: “Dallas, ” the TV series. This show has warped our civic image in the eyes of the nation to no end. But then, it is a first-rate soap opera and it’s fun to play the see-how-many-Dallas-places-you-can-recognize game. And too, it has produced the Best New T-shirt, which reads, “I Hate J. R. “

WORST: Jim Mattox. Congressman Jim just keeps embarrassing himself (and, by extension, Dallas) in high places. First he caused a silly scene on the House floor by not wearing a tie and saying it was an energy conservation measure. Then, after being challenged regarding a high-priced fund-raising dinner for lobbyists in Washington, he replied, “I’ll take money from anyone. “

ASSASSINATION JOKE

BEST: Buffalo George

Toomer, local artist and resident character, decided one day a few months ago to pay a visit to the assassina tion site at the Texas School Book Depository. He strolled casually atop the grassy knoll and surreptitiously scattered a pocketful of empty 30-06 rifle shells in the bushes in an attempt to establish the Fifteen Gun Theory.

WORST: The Dallas Historical Commission has proposed to County commissioners the restoration of the sixth floor of the Depository, Lee Harvey Oswald’s alleged assassination perch. They want half a million dollars in tax money or public funds plus a grant from the National Endowment for the Humanities. The idea is that tourists will pay admission to the exhibit (“Tragedy at Dealey Plaza”) for the thrill of sitting in the window where Oswald sat. That’s almost as funny as George’s joke; unfortunately, they’re serious.

BUBBLE GUM

BEST: Bubble-Yum. It’s the biggest seller in the city. So it must be the best, right?

WORST: KNUS radio. Hard to stomach..



ATTORNEY

BEST: Scott Anderson. Anderson is a young defense attorney who, unlike many of his colleagues, takes court-appointed work on behalf of the indigent and takes it seriously. Last year, he defended and won acquittal for a young black deaf-mute accused of murder – for the paltry court-appointed sum of $800 for 100 hours’ work, about one-tenth of what he could have earned from a well-heeled paying client.

WORST: Fort Worth D. A. Tim Curry. What can we say? Curry and his staff took Cullen Davis to trial three times and failed, at a cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars to the taxpayers. The rumbling heard more than once in the legal community was “If they’d transferred that thing to Dallas and given Henry Wade a crack, Cullen would be in the slammer now. “



RESTAURANTESE

BEST: The city’s finest example of short-order, waitress-to-kitchen lingo is found in Bert and Shirley Crump’s Exchange Cafe, in the old Cotton Exchange Building downtown. “Gimme a grilled AC a pair walkin’; gimme burgers a crowd; and I need a Shanghai, a chock dust, and a tall Waco and make ’em walk. ” That would be two grilled cheese sandwiches to go; three hamburgers; and a glass of iced tea, a chocolate malt, and a large Dr Pepper, to go.



DOWNTOWN PERSON



BEST: Clyde. Clyde is the man who runs the second floor health club and refreshment bar at the downtown YMCA. From his tiny booth, Clyde mixes some mean Weightwatchers Shakes, Apple Springers, and OJ & Egg Smoothies; he sells everything from shaving cream to squash balls to sweatbands; and he readily dispenses conversation on whatever subject you care to bring up. If you go to the Y, you know Clyde.

WORST: Wayne. Now, Wayne is a perfectly nice man. And he’s very good at what he does. Unfortunately, Wayne’s business is the DWI Wrecker service. And Wayne, because he’s so good, services most of the private parking areas in downtown Dallas. If your car was illegally parked on the street, the cops have it; if your car was illegally parked in a lot, Wayne’s got it.



WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO…

BEST: Adlene Harrison. Adlene used to brighten the local political landscape with her plucky style and independent mind. She’s now the regional director of the EPA, a worthy, but low-profile, position. She’s missed in the limelight.

WORST: Frederick Terence Baker. Baker was the man accused of the parking lot murder of photographer Larry Provart. On Halloween, in a series of incredible “clerical errors, ” Baker was released from jail and walked out scot-free – the most colossal legal blunder of the year. As of this writing, he has not been found.



FRENCH FRIES

BEST: Burger House, on Hillcrest. The. secret? Simple. Proprietor Promitheus (Jack) Koustombardis uses garlic salt.