Sunday, January 29, 2023 Jan 29, 2023
39° F Dallas, TX

“I Don’t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling.”

By Larry Sons |

It took me a while, but I finally figured it out. The way to enjoy country music is not to listen to the music. The fun is in the words.

Not lyrics. Words. Frank, Aretha, Neil, and Barry sing lyrics. Waylon, Merle, Tammy, and Loretta sing words. Funny words. Punchlines written by sad clowns in star-studded shirts; words soaked in humor that’s 80 proof.

Country song writers have helped Mel stutter all the way to the bank and have given Dolly a following that’s larger than her preceding.

They fill convention centers and Cotton Bowls. They’re listened to in pick-up bars and pick-up trucks.

We have Doug Todd, the P.R. director of the Dallas Cowboys, to thank for this list of Country and Western lyrics. Doug, Curt Mosher, and Bob Griffin started what has become known as The List eight years ago. Walt Garrison and a lot of other people helped The List to grow to almost 400 lines.

If you don’t like the sound of country, you ain’t listening to what you’re hearing.

“How come my dog don’t bark when you come around?”

“Our marriage was a failure, but our divorce ain’t working either.”

“Leave if you don’t want to lose what you came with.”

“How can anything that sounds so good make me feel so bad?”

“I’m going to the dogs with a bunch of swinging cats.”

“She’ll love you to pieces, but she won’t put you together again.”

“From the gutter to you is not up.”

“She ain’t much to see, but she looks good through the bottom of a glass.”

“I was greener than the grass we laid on.”

“My good girl treats me bad, but my bad girl treats me good.”

“This time I hurt her more than she loves me.”

“If you’re ever in Houston, look me down.”

“I don’t mind getting burned if I can just be near the glow.”

“You can’t build a fire in the rain.”

“Please put her out of my misery.”

“It took a hell of a man to take my Ann, but it sure didn’t take him long.”

“On the muscle of my arm there’s a red and blue tattoo saying Fort Worth, I love you.”

“I can still hear the music in the restroom, but they can’t see the hurt that’s on my face.”

“She feels like a new man tonight.”

“I’ll be under the table when I get over you.”

“I’m going to put a bar in my car and drive myself to drink.”

“You’re gonna love yourself in the morning, because I’m gonna love you all night long.”

“A sad song don’t care whose heart it breaks.”

“Old King Kong was just a little old monkey compared to my love for you.”

“I wouldn’t take you to a dogfight, even if I thought you could win.”

“Them that ain’t got can’t lose.”

“I may fall again, but I’ll never get up this slow.”

“You’re the busiest memory in town.”

“You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

“I’m too low to get high.”

“I’ve never had a thing that ain’t been used.”

“It was always so easy to find an unhappy woman till I started looking for mine.”

“Thank God and Greyhound you’re gone.”

“She caught me lying and then she caught a train.”

“You’ve already put big ol’ tears in my eyes. Why must you throw dirt in my face?”

“The more I think of you, the less I think of me.”

“I’m going someplace I hope I find.”

“When I’m alone I’m in bad company!’

“Don’t cry down my back, baby, you might rust my spurs.”

“I can’t afford to half my half again.”

“There’s no use running if you’re on the wrong road.”

“When your cup of love is full, I’m begging you to pour it all on me.”

“Layin’ here, lyin’ in bed.”

“It’s morning and I still love you.”

“You must think my bed’s a bus stop, the way you come and go.”

“She stepped on my heart, and stomped that sucker flat.”

“The bridge washed out, I can’t swim, and my baby’s on the other side.”

“Forever, for us, wasn’t nearly as long as we planned.”

“Just in time to be too late.”

“I’m afraid to come home early without warning.”

“If you can fake it I might make it.”

“The work we done was hard. At night we’d sleep ’cause we was tard.”

“He made me dance before the music started.”

“I’ve been a long time leaving, but I’ll be a long time gone.”

“What it is my woman can’t do, can’t be done.”

“If you keep checking up on me, I’m checking out on you.”

“The eyes I’m looking in ain’t looking back at me.”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. I know how sorry you are.”

“The older the violin, the sweeter the music.”

“How much more can she stand and still stand me?”

“I gave up Good Morning Darling and We Love You Daddy for this.”

“A woman a day keeps my man away.”

“It’s not love, but it’s not bad.”

“She’s just too good to be true, but she is.”

“1 feel better all over more than anywhere else.”

“Don’t come home a-drinkin’, with lovin’ on your mind.”

“When the phone don’t ring, you’ll know it’s me.”

“If fingerprints showed up on skin, wonder whose I’d find on you?”

“If you get the feeling I don’t love you, feel again.”

“She went to the bathroom and never came back.”

“I’m ashamed to be here, but not ashamed enough to leave.”

“I can’t find you anywhere but gone.”

“I only miss you on the days that end in Y.”

“The alcohol of fame.”

“How can a whiskey six years old whip a man that’s 32?”

“I can never pass a honky-tonk, and there’s one on my way home.”

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

“He little thinged her out of my arms.”

“I’d love to live with you again, but then I couldn’t live with me.”

“Hey, Barnum and Bailey, can you use another clown?”

“I’ve closed my eyes to the cold hard truth I’m seeing.”

“It don’t hurt me half as bad as holding you feels good.”

“It seems the best in you brings out the worst in me.”

“Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.”

“The worst you ever gave me was the best I ever had.”

“So, I’ll just wait for her, looking out my window through the pain.”

“You went out of your way to walk on me.”

“I don’t know what it is, but I sure miss it when it’s gone.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad if it hadn’t been so good.”

“You can’t make a heel toe the mark.”

“She’s the trip I’ve been on since you’ve been gone.”

“Flushed from the bathroom of your heart.”

“It’s been a hard day today, I need an easy one tonight.”

“Lay back down and love me, and leave the leavin’ for later on.”

“I turned out to be the only hell my mama ever raised.”

“It’s commode-huggin’ time in the valley.”

“When the hangover’s over, your memory’s still hangin’ on.”

“I borrowed the shoes, but the holes are mine.”

“If practice makes perfect, I’m leaving you perfect this time.”

“I haven’t seen you with the lights on for two nights in a row.”

“Remember to remind me I’m leaving.”

“Just because you got to first base don’t mean you’re home free.”

“I knew I’d lean, but I never thought I’d fall.”

“She’s waiting on the tables while she’s waiting for the tables to turn.”

“When she’s got me where she wants me, she don’t want me.”

“You can’t even do wrong right.”

“It’s the bottle against the Bible in the battle for Daddy’s soul.”

“Sunday, love lifted me. Monday, let the good times roll.”

“When she left me all she left was a reason to drink.”

“She took everything but the blame.”

“Liars 1, Believers zero.”

“I’ve got a funny feeling I won’t be feeling funny very long.”

“The girl who waits on tables used to wait for me at home.”

“Ol’ Glen lived himself to death.”

“While I was busy holding on, you were busy letting go.”

“How long can I keep loving you if she keeps loving me?”

“All I do when 1 go to bed is sleep now.”

“9 o’clock boy in a 12 o’clock town.”

“She’s just a name dropper, and now she’s droppin’ mine.”

“You rubbed it in all wrong.”

“Your love left a ring round my Finger.”

“It’s bad when you’re caught with the goods.”

“Does my ring hurt your finger when you go out at night?”

“Don’t pay the ransom, honey, I’ve escaped.”

“When I’m alone I’m in bad company.”

“I only feel at home when I’m gone.”

“He’s walking in my tracks, but he can’t fill my shoes.”

“For better or for worse, but not for long.”

“I can’t build a bridge to get over you.”

“If today was a fish, I’d throw it back in.”

“If you want to keep the beer real cold, put it next to my ex-wife’s heart.”

“I need somebody bad tonight ’cause I just lost somebody good.”

“Red necks, white socks, and Blue Ribbon beer.”

“I’m sick and tired of waking up so sick and tired.”

“It takes me all night long to do what I used to do all night long.”

“The only thing I can count on now is my fingers.”

“Send a dozen roses up to her, and pour four for me.”

“The devil is a woman and she wears a short red dress.”

“Somewhere between lust and sitting home watching TV.”

“I’ll tread water as long as you think you can make it rain.”

“She even woke me up to say goodbye.”

“I gave her a ring, and she gave me the finger.”

“Walk out backwards so I’ll think you’re coming in.”

“When you leave Amarillo, turn out the lights.”

“You pretend I’m him and I’ll pretend you’re her.”

“What’s the use to try to get over you? I’ve still got you all over me.”

“I’d rather get picked up here than be put down at home.”

“Four on the floor and a fifth under the seat.”

“You can’t go in the red playing Bluegrass.”

“My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him.”

“What good’s a girl when there’s a woman nearby?”