BEST & WORST

Bet you think this is easy, a dream job. What a great time we must have sampling all the goodies our city has to offer. Well, just ponder the experience of one of the people we called in as consultants on this latest survey.

He dropped by the office on Monday, bright-eyed , rubbing his palms together in anticipation of his assignment. On Tuesday he called in: “Just discovered a great hamburger at a place on lower Greenville.” Yeah, we responded, Little Gus’ – we gave it “Best Greaseburger” last year. “Oh,” he said hollowly.

Wednesday he called in to say that he had just sampled every flavor of ice cream at Swensen’s and didn’t think he’d be in for the editorial conference. That’s okay, we said, the rest of the staff was laid up after a search for the best margarita.

On Thursday his spirits were restored, and he was singing the praises of the burritos at a little cafe he’d found. Terrific, we told him. Now find a “Worst Burrito.” “Yuk,” he replied. That night we got a call from him. “I’m in jail,” he wailed. “I got picked up in a raid while I was checking out the worst massage parlor.” Sure, we responded with more than a hint of skepticism.

We sprung him, of course, and hedropped in on Friday to say that thiswas no way to make a living and he wasgoing to work for another publicationon a nice safe story about drug-running.Most of us stayed with it, though, And lived to tell about it.

BEST &WORSTPEOPLE &PLACES

FOUNTAIN

Best: NorthPark Mall. The Dallas equivalent of the Clock at the Biltmore as a place to “meet back at.” And it’s more fun to watch (Unless someone is testing out the organ at the nearby Melody Shop.)

Worst: One Main Place. It wouldn’t be so bad if the water didn’t have a strange tendency to turn brown. It just doesn’t go too well at lunchtime with your chili dog.

DOWNTOWN LUNCH HOUR DIVERSION

Best: Sanger Harris. There’s always something going on here – free samples in the Perfume Department, David Wade scrambling eggs over in Pots & Pans, or Rod McKuen autographing in Books & Games. If nothing else, you can always get in a game of computer ping-pong down in TV & Appliances.

Worst: Stone Place Mall. The lunchtime brownbaggers here don’t have pimiento cheese sandwiches in their brown bags.

PLACE FOR AN OLFACTORY KICK

Best: Central Expressway at Mockingbird when Mrs. Baird is baking. Just close your eyes and take a deep, floury whiff. No, don’t close your eyes.

Worst: The Neuhoff meat packing plant on Alamo Street. Thank God hot dogs can’t talk.



HARD TO FIND PLACE

Best: II Sorrento. How do you explain to someone that this part of Turtle Creek Drive is nowhere near Turtle Creek?

Worst: Driver’s License Examining Station, Keystone Park, North Central Expressway. Driving through Keystone Park should be the test in itself. And for what? Honestly, have you ever seen a good picture on a Texas Driver’s License?



COMEBACK

Best: The Dallas Establishment. The faces have changed (with a few less wrinkles), but the downtown business consortium is holding the reins again. For better or for worse, they do get things done.

Worst: Val Imm with her high society column “Immprints” in the Morning News. Does anybody care what the Harding Lawrences had for dinner last night?

IMPULSIVE REMARK

Best: Sheriff Carl Thomas’ succinct characterization of the County Commissioners with two pungent epithets. The Sheriff didn’t mess around with mere four-letter words – his were eleven and thirteen-lettergems. To refresh your memory, he made poignant reference to the excrement of poultry and maternal lust.

Worst: School Superintendent Nolan Estes’ announcement that homosexual teachers would be fired on the spot. Until he was informed that, in all likelihood, the DISD employs some 500 homosexual teachers. Whereupon he performed some of his classic verbal backpedaling. Fastest forked tongue in the west.



UBIQUITOUS PERSON

PARKING LOT

Worst: Between Lamar and Griffin, just south of Griffin Square, downtown. This parking lot only costs its users $12 a month. There are reasons for that: no pavement, no space markings, gaping chuckholes, and broken bottles. Its proximity to the Convention Center creates a real trap for unsuspecting conventioneers. Go down and watch the action at 5 o’clock some afternoon after a big rainstorm. It’s more fun than a demolition derby.



MISTAKE D MADE LAST YEAR

Best: Remember our “Old Photo Quiz?” We took someone’s word for it that it was Nolan Estes. In fact, it was former school board chairman John Plath Green. Apparently, if you’ve seen one public school official, you’ve seen them all – almost nobody noticed.

Worst: Naming Chantal Westerman “Sexiest Woman in Dallas.” Poor Chantal – almost overnight she was transformed into a billboard celebrity. Poor D Magazine – will we ever hear the end of it?



RESTAURANT NAME

Best: Arthur’s. Clean, simple, unpretentious – and it winds up at the top of alphabetical listings.

Worst: Never Eat Anything Larger Than Your Head. Their telephone number is 742-9662. Now you won’t have to ask Directory Assistance, which is embarrassing.



ABUSE OF THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM

Best: Judge Sarah Hughes’ laying it on the County Commissioners about the jail. Some say it oversteps the bounds of the Federal judiciary, and, yes, it was an arrogation of authority. But somebody had to do it.

Worst: The jury selection in the Cullen Davis trial. The weeks and weeks of inconvenience to the citizens involved and the thousands of dollars in costs to the rest of us surely lay to rest the notion that there is equal justice for all, rich and poor alike.



JOCK COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENT

Best: Gaylord Perry for Mercantile. Gaylord delivers his pitch for the bank with the same sly mischief that lets him slip his grease-ball past the umps. It’s a wonder that Vaseline hasn’t picked up on his TV talents yet.

Worst: Thomas Henderson for Carco. If they ever see this one in Hollywood, “Hollywood” will never get there.



STRETCH OF STREET

Best: Tokalon Drive, from Lakewood to Westshore. There’s a touch of rural Connecticut in this ravine. But drive slowly or you’ll miss it.

Worst: Lovers Lane from Douglas to the Tollway. Somewhere, some highway engineer is still laughing about this joke he played on Dallas drivers. Just when you think you’re about to break clear from all of those labyrinthine yellow road bumps, you realize you’re trapped in the parking lot. They have long called this the “Miracle Mile”; it’s a miracle if you can get through unscathed.



BEST & WORST FOOD & &DRINK

LIQUOR LAW

Worst: No beer before noon on Sundays. Ever pick up a case of Coors at 11:45 in preparation for the Cowboys on the tube? And then stand there holding it at the Tom Thumb check-out stand watching the clock? And feeling like an idiot?



SALAD

Best: Reggio’s Pizzeria, W. Lovers Lane. One of those treasures where you’d least expect it. What looks like just another pizza place hides the spiffiest little dinner salad in town. The lettuce and cherry tomatoes are spiced by assorted Italian peppers, green olives and pimientos, plus chunks of mozzarella and a generous sprinkling of crumbled parmesan, with a perfect, light oil-vinegar dressing. Served in wooden bowls, $1 for small, $2.25 for large. And (we almost hate to expose it) the pizza is just as good.



STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRIS

Best: TGI Friday’s. They use real strawberries.

Worst: The Magic Pan. They don’t use real strawberries. We suspect, however, that they do use real Kool-Aid.

FRENCH FRIES

Best: Calluaud’s, Fairmount at Cedar Springs. You can get them with the Steak Parisienne. We know of one devotee who orders the steak just to get the potatoes. Who would have ever thought that one of our finest French restaurants would have the best fries? Then again, why do you think they call them French fries?



MEAT LOAF

Best: The Bronx on Cedar Springs. An exciting meat loaf sounds like a contradiction in terms – until you taste this. (These people also mix a mean cherry coke.)



FANCY-FLAVOR ICE CREAM

Best: The butter-pecan at The Creamery, Snider Plaza. Butter-pecan freaks are the pickiest of all. The search ends here – buttery, buttery with salted, toasted pecans.



T-BONE STEAK

Best: Ranchman’s Cafe, Ponder, Texas (just west of Denton). If you’re a char-broil purist, forget it. But if you appreciate country-style steak, this pan-grilled giant, hanging over the edge of the plate and drenched in melted butter, is a thing of rural beauty. Don’t expect any city-slick service – the best way to place your order is to yell across the counter into the kitchen. (And don’t expect any restrooms either – the closest one is at a gas station down the road a piece.)



PRALINE

Best: The Original Mexican Restaurant, 4713 Camp Bowie, Fort Worth. Skeptics say if you’ve tasted one praline, you’ve tasted them all. Skeptics should try one of these. They’re made on the premises, fresh and loaded with pecans.



STEAK SANDWICH

Best: The Lunch Box, 103 South Field. A chicken fried steak on a hamburger bun with all the fixin’s. The steak is crisp on the outside, tender on the inside, and it only costs a dollar. The building is about the size of a walk-in closet, so heed the sign warning that capacity is limited to 8,000 persons.

RESTAURANT TO TAKE CHILDREN

Best: Kirby’s. The waitresses talk to the kids as if they were real people, there’s a fair-priced child’s plate, and at the end of the meal, the kids get to pick a surprise from the Kirby’s treasure chest.

Worst: Raphael’s. No child’s plate and no options on the menu for finicky kids who won’t eat anything ending with the letters “a,” “e,” and “o.” And one of the few restaurants in the city that doesn’t even have high chairs. And if the little tyke has an urgent need for the restroom, the crisis is likely to come while you’re waiting for the one-bowler to be free.



BISCUITS

Best: The Mecca Restaurant, 10422 Harry Hines. Nestled amongst the riff-raff of Harry Hines is the Mecca, an oasis of taste. The green-striped awnings signal the home of the best biscuits this side of grandma’s kitchen. 60￠ will get you three big flakey ones with a bowl of country-style gravy for dunking. Good enough to bring truck drivers and three-pieced businessmen side-by-side in hungry harmony.



LIQUOR STORE

Best: Marty’s, 3316 Oak Lawn. Where else can you find a magnum of Dom Perignon already chilled?



WAITRESS

Best: Jan, at The Point After, Lovers Lane. It’s uncanny -just when you need her, she’s already there.

SEAFOOD SNACK

Best: Oyster loaf, S & D Oyster Company. This is the best oyster sandwich this side of New Orleans’ Acme Bar. A salt water oasis in a seafood desert.



Worst: Crab claws at the seafood bar in the American Airlines terminal at DFW. Just because there are planes around, don’t presume that those tasteless frozen wonders are flown in fresh daily.



DOWNTOWN BAR

Best: Sol’s Turf Bar. If you’ve never been, go.

Worst: Champion Lounge. If you’ve never been, don’t.

OVERSIZED HAMBURGER

Best: The Big Redburger, Red Coleman’s Handy Food Mart, Store No. 24, 8405 Park Lane. No kidding. The deli counter in the back puts out a griddle greaseburger that’s not only thick in stature but enormous in circumference. Even the tomato slices are huge. And it’s on a grilled, crispy-edged, sesame seed bun, like something from a drugstore lunch counter in Brobdingnag. Even at $1.45, it’s still a steal. Unfortunately, it’s lunch or nothing – they close down the deli at 3 in the afternoon.

Worst: Adair’s, Cedar Springs. Granted, this is a fun and funky bar. And granted, their hamburger is probably the biggest, certainly the fattest in the universe. But alas, it usually tastes like an old meatball.

BEST & WORST GOODS& SERVICES

PLACE TO FIND A GARAGE SALE

Best: Dallas Times Herald classified ads. They have a special garage sale section of listings, broken down geographically by suburb or section of the city. Easy pickings.

Worst: Dallas Morning News classified ads. There’s no separate listing for garage sales – instead they’re dumped into that worst of all categories, “Miscellaneous.” Worse, there is no geographical breakdown – how were you supposed to know that Main St. was in Duncanville?



PIANO TUNER

Best: James E. (Elmer) Green, E. and R. Music Crafters, Lancaster, 227-6052. Green can handle pianos when other tuners throw up their hands. He’s a perfectionist who’ll spend all day on a cantankerous instrument and still charge you the regular price. Elmer loves music more than money.

PEOPLE TO PICK UP YOUR DISCARDS

Best: Salvation Army. They’re glad to haul off almost anything you can give them. Better yet, if you ask them to, they’ll call you at home 30 minutes before they arrive for the pick-up so you won’t have to spend all day waiting in the garage with your old washing machine.

Worst: Goodwill Industries. No advance notice of when they’re coming. And when they finally get there, they may not take what you’ve got. Like washing machines, for example.

PLACE TO RETURN MERCHANDISE

Best: Sears. They don’t insist on your driver’s license, your birth certificate, and a notarized confession. And they usually don’t even get mad at you.



Worst: K Mart. If you’ve misplaced your receipt, forget it.

INTEREST RATE

Best: Zero percent at Rick’s Furniture in Oak Cliff and in Garland. Any purchase paid within 12 months is interest-free. We only wish Rick would start selling cars.



STEER HORNS

Best: Shoe Craft Western Wear, 1303 Commerce at Field. A magnificent display of long horns selling for $35 to $600. With such a selection, you’ll have no trouble finding a perfect fit for the hood of your car.

TILE SETTER

Best: Byron Williams, Fort Worth, (817)451-1428. Great tile work on floors and countertops at reasonable prices. He’s fast, neat, and clean, and personally handles every job with no more than one helper.



FLOOR FINISHER

Best: Ed Lawton, 381-5433. He learned his trade from his father, who opened a floor finishing business in the Twenties. And Ed still finishes just the way his father started.



TELEPHONE PITCH

Worst: Pecan Plantation. First a lady with a Lily Tomlin voice verifies your identity under the pretense of being a long distance operator. Then she hands the phone to a cohort for the standard breathless spiel. Very clever (Oh. Long distance. Must be important.). Maybe next they’ll try emergency calls.



ANTIQUE BARGAINS

Best: The Browse Shop, 216 W. Yarmouth. Two houses full of old furniture, glassware, pictures, and oddities. (Open Friday and Saturday only.) What’s nice is you can go back again and again, because the inventory is constantly changing – things here are priced to sell, not to keep.

FLEA MARKET

Best: Big D Bazaar, 3636 N. Buckner. It’s really the only comfortable flea market in town (bargain hunting doesn’t have to be a dirty ordeal): air-conditioned year round, well-lighted, conveniently laid out, plenty of paved parking. And good goods: antiques, macrame, pottery, plants, rocks, shells, and so on. And, the clincher, a good snack bar.

Worst: Antiques and Trade Fair, 4601 E. Main, Grand Prairie. You can see where the “flea” comes from – this is one mangy old dog of a place. No air-conditioning for starters – even bargain hunters need to breathe. And a lumpy, bumpy parking lot. The treasure consists mostly of old clothes, dusty bottles, cheap ceramics, and other assorted junk. If you can dig up a sleeper here, you’ve earned it.

BEST & WORST THRILLSE TC., ETC.

STRIP JOINT

Best: The Showboat Cabaret, 2946 Northwest Hwy. It’s a strip joint done up in the old vaudeville-burlesque tradition, complete with stand-up comics, ventriloquists, and, of course, the strippers. All the costumes, feathers, and glitter lend a touch of class – and the end result is just as revealing as any place else. And sweet relief from the usual jukebox/G-string boredom – you get everything from a top-hat-and-cane routine to a number starring a six-foot boa constrictor named Sammy.

Worst: The Body Shoppe, Harry Hines. You’ll find more than girls up for grabs here – like your life. The Body Shoppe has seen three shootings in the last six months. And the girls are hardly worth the risk, unless you’re into bellies that dance when they’re not supposed to.



RIP OFF

Best: North Dallas Toll way. Yeah, it costs a quarter for a short run. But the alternative, Central Expressway, will cost you your sanity.

Worst: The $ 1 per page chargefor Xeroxing in the FederalBuilding. A little researchproject here can cost youyour life savings.

DISCO

Best: Old Plantation. A huge dance floor, good drinks, and one of Dallas’ few mixed bag crowds.

Worst: Flanigan’s. It’s too crowded to move, much less dance. And if you don’t get on the dance floor, they don’t refund your cover charge.

LOCAL TV SHOW

Best: Sports Scoreboard, at midnight, on channel 11. All the scores in all the sports and all in a matter of minutes. Including NBA and NHL scores, which channels 4, 5, & 8 push aside when there’s too much news from the Cowboy practice field.

Worst: Crossroads of the 70’s, with Walter Evans, Sunday afternoons on channel 4. A test pattern would be more exciting.



IDEA THAT DIDN’T WORK

Best: Dallas Nude.

Worst: Ultra.

HIGH SCHOOL RIVALRY

Best: South Oak Cliff versus Roosevelt High. Almost every year, in football and in basketball, the Golden Bears of South Oak Cliff and the Mustangs of Roosevelt do battle for supremacy in District 12-AAAA. If you’re interested in studying insanity in youth, check out one of their pep rallies before they play each other.

Worst: North Dallas High versus Madison High. When the Bulldogs of North Dallas meet the Trojans of Madison, there is always something at stake: the District 12-AAAA cellar. Since neither of these teams ever wins anything, they look to each other as the one possible bright spot in every season. It’s been darkest for the Bulldogs – they’ve now lost 37 straight football games. It’s not really their fault, though; both schools have asked to drop down from AAAA competition. The DISD won’t let them.



ATTEMPT TO SAVE AN OLD BUILDING

Best: The Scott Mansion, Fort Worth. A worthy structure rescued by the few who realized it.

Worst: The Old House on Mockingbird. This restaurant used to be a handsome old house. Until they “renovated” it into an eyesore.



FREEBIE

Best: The free champagne – all you can drink – with the Sunday brunch at the Airport Marina Hotel. And when you’re feeling bubbly, you can go out and play on the Airtrans.

Worst: Free cigarette samples, downtown Dallas. Ever since TV cigarette commercials were banned, downtown has been saturated with them. A stroll down Commerce and up Main on a nice day will net you enough free smokes to reduce your life expectancy by five years.



DALLAS CONTRIBUTION TO AMERICAN CULTURE

Best: Dr Pepper.

Worst: The Cowboy cheerleaders.



FORT WORTH CONTRIBUTION TO AMERICAN CULTURE

Best: Radio Shack.

Worst: John Denver.



SACRED COW

Best: The Dallas Cowboys.

Worst:

Channel 13.

PINBALL MACHINE

Best: Captain Fantastic, at the 8-Ball Pool Hall, 4425Lemmon Avenue. The glowing eyes of Elton Johnwatch over this fun, high-action machine; but bestof all, it’s a great machine tobeat for free games – andwhen you get right downto it, that’s the wholepoint. The trick is the extrathird flipper on the upper right hand side which you use to hit the row of five targets on the left hand side. Do it twice and bingo- free game.There’s more than one Captain Fantastic (including a newer version at the 7-Eleven, Inwood and Lemmon), but the best placeto play is the8-Ball. Says oneregular, “It’s oneof the few placesthat show respect forpinball shooters.”

TEXAS RANGERS FRONT OFFICE DEAL

Best: Claudell Washington from Oakland for Jim Umbarger. Washington started for the Rangers; Umbarger did nothing for the A’s. Then the Rangers got Umbarger back for petty cash. Thank you, Charlie Finley.

Worst: Vice-President Eddie Robinson’s firing of head groundkeeper Mike Cloud, even though all the players had said that the Arlington Stadium field last season (Cloud’s first) was in its best condition ever. The new groundskeeper? John Oliveria, another one of Robinson’s cronies from Atlanta. Next thing you know, Fast Eddie will have Jeff Burroughs back in right field.



LEGAL MASSAGE (FOR MEN)

Best: Executive 400 Health Studio, DuPont Plaza Hotel. Not only the best massage in town, but the only legal massage studio for men in Dallas. The Man here is “Little Joe” Dias, a registered physical therapist who offers the works – Turkish steam bath, Swedish scientific and vibro massages, oxygen treatments, foot massage – all for 12 bucks. “You can always get a rubdown at a health spa,” says little Joe, “but a good massage is hard to come by.”



LEGAL MASSAGE (FOR WOMEN)



Best: Gates Way Studio, Preston Tower. Masseuse Christine Gates has been easing aches and pains for some 14 years now. And her magic fingers are booked solid most of the time. But she’ll put you on a waiting list and work you in for her coveted Swedish body massage ($15 per hour or $8 per half hour), and spot reducing techniques. And her specialty is the foot massage. Don’t walk out on that one.



NEW LAW

Best: The Texas Supreme Court ruling that spouse can file suit against spouse, an important new avenue in the prosecution of wife beating.



Worst: The new City of Dallas jaywalking ordinance. Beware: It can now cost you $200 to walk across the street.