Read Any Good Phone Books Lately?

It all started quite by accident. Scanning the Dallas phone directory for a needed number, we stumbled across “Oldwhat-sisname.” What? Naturally, we punched the number.

“Ed Miley Photography,” a voice answered.

We asked to speak to Old-whatsisname.

“That’s me,” said Ed Miley, who began to explain. “The thing got started because I’m so bad myself at remembering names. So now I just tell prospective clients to call ’Old-whatsisname’ when they need a photographer. They don’t have any trouble remembering that.”

We were hooked. Surely there were other fabricated phonebook phantoms. We phoned Southwestern Bell’s public relations man Joe Mc-Namera and put the question to him. How many Dallasites list their numbers under unusual or farcical names? “We won’t accept a name for publication in our directory unless it’s a bona fide name,” McNa-mera informed us. “We have to think about the integrity of the book.”

Really? A bit of thumbing turned up supermarket magnate Bob Minyard’s phonebook listing – under the name “Muffin Minyard.” Muffin is Minyard’s Labrador retriever. “I used to get calls in the middle of the night from women claiming to be regular customers,” says Minyard, “asking if I’d open one of the stores so they could buy some crazy item like tomato aspic.” So he put the phone in Muffin’s name so that only close friends would recognize his number.

Our fingers did some more walking. We came across the ominous listing of “The Emperor of Tsalagi.” We rang. The man who answered claims the title is indeed legitimate. “I am the Royal Emperor of the Cherokees, keeper of ancient traditions and supreme god of the sun,” he informed us. We tried the “Princess of Dallas,” but instead of royalty, we reached a handbag manufacturer.

There was no way to resist calling the number listed for “Little Pigs of America.”

“Little Pigs,” a teenaged male voice answered.

“What’s the nature of your business?” we inquired politely.

“What?”

“What do you sell?”

“Oh,” the voice replied. “Barbecue.”

A call to “Old McDonald’s Farm” found another barbecue pit. Unfortunately, no one answered at the “House That Jack Built.”

What fun. Our continued search discovered listings for John Kennedy, George Washington, Charles Dickens, Judy Garland, Elizabeth Taylor, Billy Graham, Howard Hughes, Willie Nelson, Jerry Ford, Bette Davis, Cesar Chavez, even Elvis Presley. But the big find was in the W’s. There, taking up two full lines, was “Herbert Wolfeschlaegelsteinhausenber-gerhaupfstedt.” We called, of course.

At first, the’ voice that answered claimed to be Herbert. Then he faltered under questioning. Herbert was dead, he said. Herbert was his father. But before long the story changed; Herbert had now become his great-uncle. Very suspicious. Finally, the voice admitted that, alas, there was no such person as Herbert Wolfeschlaegelsteinhausen-bergerhaupfstedt, though the name has been listed in the Dallas direcory for eight years. Why? “We enjoy getting Herbert’s calls,” the voice answered. “He gets lots of invitations to speak at different functions. In fact, he gets a lot more calls than I do.”