Monday, April 15, 2024 Apr 15, 2024
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Fake Fall Is Here And Cannot Be Trusted

And WFAA’s Pete Delkus—who appears to have been wooed by Fake Fall—questions the character of pumpkin spice latte fans.

It happens every year: A cold front pops up in mid September, and eager journalists write their love letters to the arrival of Texas Fall. Love letters that will be torn up and torched in a few days time, when we’re right back where we started again in 90-degree temps.

Why do you let September do this to you every year? Every year, you’re like, “Oh, September is so good to me. Brings me pumpkin spice lattes and Mrs. Meyers apple cider hand soap. You should see how September treats me when you’re not around.”

And then, we have to pick up the pieces the next afternoon, you sweating in your acorn sweater and crying, “I have a mantle full of decorative gourds, it smells like Autumn Leaves Yankee candle in here, but I had to put the dang A/C on full blast because it’s 95 flipping degrees outside again! AH HATE YOU, SEPTEMBER!”

When pressed on the issue of the existence Fake Fall, WFAA’s Chief Meteorologist Pete Delkus claims, “It’s not fake fall, but it’s a taste of fall. I feel confident that the gates of hell have closed, and we are most likely done with the triple digit heat. Doesn’t mean we won’t have more days in the 90s.”

“Most likely done.” Fake Fall must have gotten to Delkus. Probably wooed him with a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle and asked him for advice about smoking briskets on a Big Green Egg.

Delkus says we go back to temps in the 90s by Saturday. National Weather Service says the same thing. You know why? FAKE FALL, Y’ALL.

Should you go out and buy a pumpkin spice latte? According to Delkus, no. He claims that he is “worried about these pumpkin spice latte people. It’s a character concern for me.” This is how you know it’s not time for Official Texas Fall yet. We may not see eye to eye with Pumpkin Spice Latte-ists, but when they are greenlit for public enjoyment of the PSL in their cowboy hats, team-color statement shirts, jean skirts and boots on a Texas football game day, Real Deal Fall is here. It’s like watching the butterflies migrate.

What does Delkus have to say about pumpkins on doorsteps? Is it time? “A pumpkin on a doorstep is appropriate now. But I draw the line at Christmas decorations. Those go out the day after Thanksgiving, and not a moment before. Any sooner is a slight on the Pilgrims.”

Pumpkins on doorsteps in September? What’s next? Cats and dogs living together?

September is making you look like a fool. September is not here to bring you real fall. It’s not even here to bring you a Target-aisle-worthy holiday. For that, October is your dude. October would never treat you like this. October reduces the humidity like a boss and takes you out to costume parties. October is like, “Hey, Girl. Do you like waking up to beautiful temperatures always? Let’s open some windows together.”

Be smart: Keep your infinity scarves and flannel shirtdresses packed up until October. Let 2021 be the year of no sweaty sweaters.

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