On Thursday, Dallas Mayor Eric Johnson, resplendent in his finest headdress made of grackle feathers, ascended the ziggurat at 1500 Marilla St. and did break the following news: to eradicate the vile coronavirus visited upon us by the angry gods, he is calling for the sacrifice of a virgin on August 19.
“Lo, it is not for me to explain the true origins of the gods’ wrath, for I am but a humble distributor of free milk,” Mayor Johnson shouted from the top of the ziggurat, flanked by his faithful servant Tristan Hallman. “But all in the land can surely see with thine own eyes the death and sadness wrought by this terrible pandemic. So we must make an offering. A woman of pure heart who has not known the touch of man must be sacrificed.”
As to the exact method of sacrifice, the mayor declared he would leave that matter to the Sacrifice & Appeasement Committee, formerly chaired by Paula Blackmon until her recent and summary removal. But the mayor made it clear he would not repeat the mistake of Jephthah, who vowed that if he defeated the Ammonites, he would make a burnt offering of whoever came to greet him at his door upon his victorious return home. As we all know, Jephthah was totally bummed when his daughter answered that door.
So that leaves the city of Dallas with the following methods of sacrifice: throw the virgin from the top of Reunion Tower, tie the virgin to a stake outside the monster’s lair, force the virgin to drink a flagon of water drawn from the Trinity, or, for those who like to take things too far, cut the virgin’s still-beating heart from her chest as she lies in the center of the JFK Memorial cenotaph.
In any case, interested virgins should apply by calling 311 and selecting the “sacrifice” option when prompted.