I really hope this doesn’t look like I’m a copycat. My development team has been working on this for years. I promise that the timing of my announcement is strictly coincidence. As you know, Gwyneth Paltrow last month started selling candles that smell like her vagina. In her words, the candles produce a “funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent.” Then, today, Erykah Badu announced that she is going to sell incense that smells like her vagina because, in her words, “the people deserve it.” Goes without saying.
Today, then, after the aforementioned years of development, I am proud to announce that I will soon launch a line of car air fresheners that will smell like my feet. Well, not really my feet. My air fresheners will actually smell like dog saliva mixed with foot sweat soaked into a flip-flop. I’ve got a 9-year-old rescue dog that is some sort of shepherd, and she likes to lick a pair of my leather Hari Mari flip-flops after I’ve sweated in them. My feet sweat a lot. I hope that’s not too gross to share. But, really, like, flying makes me nervous, which makes my feet sweat profusely, and when I’m wearing these flip-flops and get off a plane, it’s almost like I just wore the flip-flops in the shower. Very slidey and slippery. And sweaty. As it turns out, this is exactly what my dog enjoys.
Some things you need to know about my dog before you buy my car air fresheners and clip them onto your air vents this summer and let the smell of my feet and my dog’s mouth wash over you: her name is Katie, she is a good girl, and she sometimes eats her own feces before she licks my flip-flops.
I’ve already heard from some people who have a question. “Tim,” they ask, “why didn’t you just make your car air fresheners smell like your penis?” The answer is simple: that would have been too obvious.