By now you’ve no doubt seen the results from the 2018 Garland Guzzler .5K, the very short footrace at the center of that town’s Oktoberfest, the inaugural run of which was a year ago this month. Yours truly finished seventh in a field of 179 participants. As a reader of D Magazine, you are owed an explanation.
OK, first, on the day of the race, I was duty bound, as best man, to attend a bachelor party that started at 8 a.m. Now, hang on. It wasn’t like that. I’m a middle-aged man, and bachelor parties for me are far tamer (and rarer) than they once were. We gathered at the groom’s house to watch English Premier League soccer and eat grilled meats. That was about as wild as it got. But nearing the 6:30 race start time, I did have a lot of soccer and meat in my belly. No matter. At 5:45, my driver said, “Hey, doesn’t that race start soon?” Thankfully the bachelor party was in Garland, so the drive was a short one. The point is this: I went straight from a bachelor party to the start line. No, actually, now that I think about it, that’s not true. We got there with a couple minutes to spare. I filled those minutes by slamming a beer from Intrinsic Brewing. It is, after all, called the Garland Guzzler.
Second, Joe Rodriguez of Rowlett was clearly using PEDs. A year younger than I, at 47 on race day, he circumnavigated Garland’s historic downtown square in 1 minute, 10 seconds, finishing nearly 34 seconds ahead of me and 19 seconds ahead of second place. Like I said: drugs. Only way a middle-aged man could run that fast.
Third, Miriam Lewis of Frisco, who came in sixth and was the sole woman to beat me, finished less than two seconds faster than I did. But super important: Miriam was just 30 years old! I have cellphones that are older than Miriam. Give me a break.
As for the other four people who beat me? Luck is the obvious explanation. Or some combination of luck and schadenlaufen, which is the German Oktoberfest beer word for “taking joy from cheating an old, drunk man in a footrace.” They will get their just rewards in hell.
Will I show up this year on September 28 to defend my title as the Sixth Fastest Man Ever to Run the Garland Guzzler? Click over to our feature on the area’s best fall festivals to get more details, and lace up your sneakers to find out.