As it stands as of 10:15 am, when I started writing this, the Dallas Lone Ranger Heroes are tied for the sixth-worst record in the National Basketball Association, colloquially known as the NBA. They aren’t far away from having the worst — the free fallin’ Memphis Grizzlies have 18 wins to the DLRH’s 21 — and losing Wes Matthews for the season should help in that regard. (Can I get a RIP in the chat, boys?) It’s been a miserable season in just about every respect, but at least the on-court results were expected. The only way to salvage anything at all is to get the highest draft pick possible. That means losing the rest of these games. There are 15 left. I have 15 ideas how to lose all of them.
3/13 @ Knicks: Point God: Dirk Nowitzki.
3/16 @ Raptors: They should lose this just on merit, but if the Raptors decide to rest some dudes, then the Mavs play with only four guys and when the refs ask Rick Carlisle about it, he just says in an extremely Gene Hackman in Hoosiers voice, “My team’s on the floor.”
3/17 @ Nets: J.J. Barea starts at center and plays the full 48.
3/20 @ Pelicans: Anthony Davis is playing like a create-a-player with all the sliders turned up, so they should lose this anyway. But just in case: one member of the team has to hold a king cake on the court during the entire game. They can pass it around, but if they drop it, then they have to carry two king cakes for the rest of the game.
3/22 vs. Jazz: The team is back at home, so that means they can finally give Tony Romo some minutes. He’s more of a dad than an athlete now, so he has to play in sweatpants.
3/24 vs. Hornets: Point God: announcer Jeff “Skin” Wade.
3/27 @ Kings: As a tribute to Greta Gerwig’s Lady Bird, one player has to sing the first verse of Dave Matthews Band’s “Crash” before initiating the offense on every possession.
3/28 @ Lakers: Everyone has to play in Big Baller Brand shoes and also shoot with Lonzo Ball’s unconventional motion. Also, any Oscar-nominated actor from the past five years is allowed to check in for the Mavs at any time.
3/30 vs. Timberwolves: The Mavs can start any five they want, but for substitutes, the only players available are members of the Mavs ManiAACs dance team.
4/1 @ Cavaliers: For his 14th birthday, the Mavs let my son play 40 minutes.
4/3 vs. Trail Blazers: The Mavs can start any five they want, but for substitutes, the only players available are their kids.
4/6 @ Pistons: Dirk has to carry J.J. Barea around on his back whenever they are on the court together, which can be no less than 20 minutes.
4/8 @ 76ers: J.J has to carry Dirk on his back whenever they are on the court together, which can be no less than 20 minutes.
4/10 vs. Suns: As one final tribute to the late Don Carter, everyone has to play in cowboy hats.