Now that Dallas is a finalist for Amazon’s HQ2, along with Austin and some other cities, it’s time for the tricky part. We’ve got to set ourselves apart from a field that includes Austin and a list I mostly skimmed. How do we do this? OK, fine. I’ll help. Jeff Bezos, here is what I am willing to add to Dallas’ bid:
- One (1) 2003 Honda Element that is missing a catalytic converter (it was sawed off, but you knew that as soon as you saw “Honda Element”), and also one window doesn’t work and the air conditioning system is stuck on full blast, but otherwise it is great.
- My services as a professional finder of things. I once found something in my ex-wife’s house over the phone, and I’d never set foot inside. Also, I found a former colleague’s wedding ring after it fell off his finger and rolled into a busy parking lot. Those are just two examples. I’m insanely great at finding things. (I’m also maybe the finest highway driver ever born, but that’s not really relevant here.)
- Also my services as a basketball coach, either for employees’ kids or if you guys want to get together some sort of rec-league situation. I’m tough but fair.
- One (1) walking tour of downtown. I don’t know anything about the architects or history or the art or anything like that. But I do know where every single public restroom is and the correct ranking of CBD 7-Elevens.
- Ten (10) free tweets per month. Look, I’m gonna get these overly complicated and oddly specific tweets off no matter what, so you might as well bask in the shine I get when I say anything about Cam Newton’s post-game attire.
- Thirty (30) seconds of unbroken eye contact. If you know me, you know I just basically offered you my life savings.
Come on, Amazon. Let’s get it.
