It’s time to dust off your favorite Spanx, throw on an evening dress, sit in a chair in your living room, and start having slap fights with anyone who tells you to stop drinking. You heard right: It’s Real Housewives of Dallas time, once again.
Monday, August 14 at 9 p.m., the new season kicks off on Bravo. And if the teaser is any indication, this season promises to be much better than last season. We’ve got Brandi Redmond, Stephanie Hollman, Cary Deuber, and Leeanne Locken returning, and they’re adding D’Andra Simmons and Kameron Wescott.
I am not Tim Rogers, a man whose teeth we pulled so hard last year that he agreed to write about each and every episode of season one. No, I am a person who has celebrated the entire Housewives franchise since Vicki Gunvalson said her first “whoop it up,” since Bethenny Frankel ordered her first Skinnygirl cocktail and had to explain to the waiter what she meant, and since Jo De La Rosa’s “You Can’t Control Me” begat Kim Field’s Don’t Be Tardy (For The Party) which begat Melissa Gorga’s “On Display” which begat Erika Jayne’s “XXPEN$IVE.” I am so ready for the second season of RHOD.
And I gotta say, it was touch and go there for a while ratings-wise. In fairness, the first season of any Housewives series in any city is never its most interesting. So we’ll give Dallas a pass on last season. But this time, I’m really hoping my home town brings it.
There are four extremely important things every solid Real Housewives franchise has that we are going to need if we want this show to get a third season:
- More brand new body parts. It’s important that the show have fewer real body parts on it than it has fake body parts. I’m not sure why, but it directly relates to the success and longevity of the show. It’s my hope that in the sophomore season of RHOD, someone shows up having had some new work done. With the Deubers in the cast again, this should be an easy feat. Bonus points if the Housewife pretends she did not get a boob job (when she in fact did get a boob job) for at least two episodes. (See: Ramona Singer)
- Divorce. It’s not pretty, but for some reason it’s the kind of thing that brings Housewives together. They may not be able to agree on everything, but they can all agree that your last husband was a total douche. (See: Too many divorces during the course of these shows to even be able to narrow it down to just one example.)
- A life-changing moment that makes the bitchiest person on the show (or the one the show has edited to look that way) into someone that we all care about and feel sympathy for, even for a fleeting moment. (See: Meghan King Edmonds struggling through IVF. See: Bethenny Frankel struggling with her health. See: Vicki Gunvalson struggling with the fact that nobody cares that she struggled with lying to them all about Brooks having cancer.)
- Dollar signs. The point of these shows is to serve as escapism for the rest of us. I certainly can’t go out and buy a Boob Job Plane (That’s the one I only Ask Jeeves to ready when I’m headed to my boob jobs), but it sure is entertaining to watch someone else do it. Last season, there was not enough obnoxious spending on the Dallas series. The Hollmans need to step up the gifting. Another bracelet isn’t gonna cut it. (See: Bethenny Frankel’s new $4.2 million New York apartment, or frankly anything the New York or Beverly Hills casts purchase during the show)
I think we’re going to get all of these things this season, based on the preview. And I can’t wait to see how the new cast members fit in. Will one of them actually be a housewife? Will any of them actually own homes in Dallas? How many times will they reference Highland Park? To be honest, who cares—I’m mainly watching just to see LeeAnne rock that hot dog costume and cuss some more. Let’s do this, Dallas. And while you watch this season, I’ve created a handy RHOD bingo card for you. Drink every time you get a square! Or every time you don’t!