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Arts & Entertainment

Real Housewives of Dallas, Ep. 2: Mutts, Mansions, and So Much Crying

Oh, and a cussing hot dog. Can’t forget the cussing hot dog.
By Alice Laussade |
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Last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Dallas had a lot to live up to. It was a big day. Arguably, it was a super big day. There was a solar eclipse that everyone knew would burn your retinas and cause Forever Damage if you stared directly at it without the proper sunglasses. And then, reporters caught some truly glorious photos of America’s “Making Everything Super Great!” President staring directly at the eclipse without the proper sunglasses.

Don’t do this, they said.

How can we possibly expect Real Housewives of Dallas to top that? I guess you just tell LeeAnne it’s Go Time, so she throws on a hot dog costume and starts cussing. Suck that, halo-like solar corona and totality. Neil deGrasse Tyson would never dress up in a hot dog costume. Nerd.

LeeAnne, of course, had a perfectly normal reason for dressing up like a hot dog: She was headed to a dog costume contest at Mutts Canine Cantina. She sets up the scene just like she’s supposed to: “You are about to see how cray-cray people are about their dogs here in Dallas.”

I was ready to see exactly how “cray-cray” people are about their dogs in Dallas. I’m from Dallas. I grew up with dogs. And the craziest thing I’ve seen someone do with their dog is shove it in a purse and sneak it into The Blair Witch Project at the Cinemark 17. But apparently there’s an adorable, rich-person dog-loving scene that involves costumes of which I was previously completely unaware. Excitement.

Surely there will be dog costume puns. “She’s R2-DOG-2 ahahahahaha, you’re hilarious Chauncifer!” “Check it out, I put some tattoos on him, gave him some tweezers and we foraged for some locally-sourced micro greens from the Super Target trash can—he’s Mutt McCallister!” “Look how bummed he is about DISD in general! At least I brought his favorite toy: the dead plans for the Trinity River Toll Road Project. Throw a spiffy hat on the guy and a t-shirt that says ‘Go Oak Cliff’ and you guessed it–He’s Ruff Shearer!”

And surely there will be giant trophies for the winner sculpted out of organic vegan gluten-free dog biscuits, and there will be a mud fountain they can roll around in after the contest, and a giant fire hydrant for all of the dogs to mark, and The Real Wishbone from the 1998 show, Wishbone will judge!

Nope. Just a bunch of Party City and Target dog costumes. Stephanie announced that the dog dressed like a witch won. Dammit, Dallas. Price Is Right sad horn.

 

Stephanie and Brandi both judged this event, which was supposed to be dramatic because they’re in the middle of a fight. They end up being adults and not ripping, even pulling, one bit of weave. They continue to remain calm, even when LeeAnne tries to help the ratings by saying possibly the most Housewives thing that has ever been said in Housewives history whilst wearing her hot dog costume: “If you think that I am not willing to take this dick off my head and get down to the bottom of this, you’ve got unuhthuh thing coming, and you do not know LeeAnne Locken.”

And sidebar: I just realized in this moment that I did not know LeeAnne Locken. I’ll make a note of this, and you should, too: If you put a dong on LeeAnne Locken’s head, she will take it off if she feels like it. So, if you intend to invite her to your bachelorette party, just be ready for this eventuality.

And what do Brandi and Stephanie do with this monumental, never-before-seen hot-dog set up for a fight? They cry very calmly. They calm-pretty-cry a lot. In this episode alone, three Housewives pretty-cried. First, it was Stephanie.

Then it was Cary.

Then it was Stephanie again.

And then it was Brandi.

And then it was Stephanie again. Stephanie claims that the lingering dispute she has had with Brandi has been the “worst four months” of her life. She sheds perfectly tear-shaped tears about a blog post and some tweets that she and Brandi are fighting over.

Cut to Stephanie and her husband Travis. He tells her he spent $5.1 million on a house with a pool in the living room. She says she’s super mad he didn’t include her in this decision. That’s it. No tears. I guess she’s just that happy to be moving to Actual Dallas instead of living in Las Colinas? Or maybe she’s looking forward to the bidet in the bathroom that the realtor sold as being able to “stimulate you down there.” In any case, no angry tears over millions of dollars being spent without her consent. Or even one happy tear for purchasing Barbie’s Dream House.

Housewife tears math: Save tears for frustration about texts and blog posts and fights at brunch. Don’t waste tears on anything that costs over a grand, because that would be ridiculous.

Also worth mentioning about this episode: Cary Deuber’s husband, Mark Deuber, finally showed up! The DOOOOOOBS! He talks about fashion. He gets nominated for a CultureMap Stylemaker Awards award for fashioning. He does not win the Stylemaker Awards award for fashioning. We await his triumphant return to the screen to talk to us more about Billy Reid and Cavalli.

And D’Andra talks to her mom about how marketing their skincare line on “Christian TV” was “a great way to market in 1998,” (Wait—was it?) but that it’s time to spend some money on marketing and social media. Her mother is not into the idea at all. If you had been sitting at home wondering why D’Andra’s on the show, seeing as she has plenty of actual money and doesn’t need this show to help her out with that, here’s your answer. She’s playing the Use Bravo To Propel My Skincare Line card. Smart. I would bet that one ad on Bravo costs a lot more than agreeing to argue with some bitches on this show for eight episodes and a reunion.

Also, Kameron fails at speaking Spanish and teaches her kids how to pack for a vacation to Cabo and it’s supposed to be endearing. I dunno. I can’t wait for Cary Deuber to try to keep a straight face for a long period of time talking to Kameron. Should prove difficult.

Next week’s drinking game for the Real Housewives of Dallas: Drink for every segment that we’re STILL talking about this fight between Stephanie and Brandi. Drink if they never once yell at each other about it, and instead just cry at each other about it. Drink every time Cary Deuber says “I’m staying out of it,” and finds herself right in the middle of it. Chug if LeeAnne finally gets to yell at someone.

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