Television

Should I, Tim Rogers, Recap the Dumb Housewives Show?

Because doing it last season killed a little part of me.

Cary Deuber wants to show you her fillings.

At a restaurant a couple weeks ago, a woman I know but hadn’t seen in years stopped by our table (okay, my wife and I were sitting at the bar, not at a table proper), and, after we’d gotten each other up to speed on the lives of our kids, the woman said something to the effect of, “So, it’s almost time for The Real Housewives. I can’t wait for your recaps!” I leapt from my barstool and, like Byung-hun Lee did with an origami crane in Red 2, I stabbed her in the trachea with a cocktail straw. As she lay on the floor, gasping for her last breaths, I looked down at her twitching body and said, “Don’t ever mention The Real Housewives to me again.” Then I stared down everyone else in the restaurant, waiting to see if anyone was a big enough LeeAnne Locken fan to take me on.

Now that I’ve had some time to think about my actions, I’d like to apologize for killing that woman. But you must understand. Writing about that show for 10 episodes last season traumatized me. Two hours to watch each episode (because I compulsively pause it to faithfully transcribe dialogue), then four hours or so to write each recap. I spent 60 hours of my life thinking about The Real Housewives. I am not a better person for it.

God gives us only so much time on this planet to better ourselves and serve our brothers and sisters. Then God brings such unrelenting calamity to your house (rotting subfloor in the downstairs bathrooms, leaky roof, leaky kitchen faucet that wrecks backsplash, haywire irrigation system) that you curse his name and he turns you into a pillar of salt. Or some guy you haven’t seen in a long time kills with you a straw. Point being: with time being such a precious commodity, why waste it on The Real Housewives, even if the cast this season will be joined by D’Andra Simmons and Kameron Westcott, two white socialites who are so rich that they don’t get grief for having African-American first names? You know?

Now. Having said all that, maybe I can be talked into it. Give it your best shot.

Comments

  • EricCeleste

    Christine, Wick, please make him do it.

    • Dan Koller

      Two words for you, Eric: West. Cott.

  • NancyNichols

    Why not just do a live broadcast of you watching and reacting to the show.

    • Because I typically watch TV in the nude. Not just Real Housewives. America’s Got Talent, Blackish, Rangers game on a random Wednesday evening — I find it helps me focus more if I’m not encumbered by clothing. And no one wants to see a live broadcast of that. That’s why not.

  • @zaccrain

    It’s sort of amazing to me how much you want to do this.

    • I will fight you.

      • @zaccrain

        Over the rights to recap this show? OK, fine. You can do it.

  • T_S_

    If you’ve learned nothing from this nation’s opioid crisis, you can’t leave your readers scrambling on the streets for their fix. People will die.

  • MattL1

    If you don’t, thousands of Dallasites (okay, like a dozen, but still) will be forced to watch the show themselves in order to make fun of it. That can’t be good for the social fabric of our fair city.

    It’s like sending in the nuclear plant worker who already got a fatal dose of radiation back into the reactor to shut it off. You’re already tainted. Take one for the team.

  • Pol Pot

    Forcing someone to watch Real Housewives , wow, we didn’t even do that at S21 Tuol Sleng.
    –Brother Number One

  • Bizarro BigTex

    Man, I was feeling down for having been diagnosed with IBS, erectile dysfunction, and rickets. Now I don’t feel so bad. You win, Tim.

  • Absofuckingloutely!!!

  • Brian Lindley

    Simply…a career maker! Figured this journalism thing was a hobby til then!

  • Tina

    Whilst at Mesero (lovers lane) on Friday night we were seated next to a table and until yesterday’s preview I didn’t know who it was. It was D’Andra and her parents. Really though, I was attracted to them like a fly to a zapper, the make-up, the Demi Moore wanna be glasses, but the HAIR, the mutha’s HAIR, I almost fell outta ma chair! :p Don’t do it, save yourself. We only read to join in your misery of what’s become of Dallas. Spend time naked doing other things, like fixing the sprinkler system outside.

  • Amy S

    “Should I, Tim Rogers, Recap the Dumb Housewives Show?” Only with sufficient remuneration. Start a GoFundMe page and make people PAY.

    • Amy S

      You could always donate the money to a good cause….like MeatFight tickets.

  • RAB

    To be fair, casual racism and sexism is better than formal racism or sexism (or worse, aggressive racism or sexism). Isn’t the laid-back approach more excusable?

  • Liddy Mo

    Your recaps fill in the gaping holes that the show creates in our lives. Fix me.

  • LeeAnne Locken

    Because your recaps make people HAPPY and in the end- THAT is what you want to be remembered for! Now get naked and start writing!!! LMAO