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There Are Only Four Reasons to Be Married to a Man

No. 1: He is responsible for ordering Showtime so you can watch the Errol Spence Jr. fight tomorrow, Saturday, May 27 at 4 p.m.

This is the list I gave my husband after I asked him to get us Showtime—which will be airing the Kell Brook vs Errol Spence Jr. fight tomorrow, Saturday, May 27 at 4 p.m.—and he suggested I “figure it out.”

The only four reasons to be married to a man:

1. He handles all A/V-related matters, including, but not limited to, comparing clouds on which to upload the 14,000 photos currently preventing further picture taking on your iPhone, procuring one of those itty-bitty weights to make the now-defunct record player spin once again, and definitely, most importantly, setting up Showtime so as to watch the Kell Brook vs Errol Spence Jr. fight tomorrow, Saturday, May 27 at 4 p.m.

2. He whacks the bugs (but not with a rolled-up D Magazine, goshdarnit).

3. He changes the sheets while you rinse the kid when the flu strikes at midnight.

4. Reliable intercourse (verbal and otherwise).

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