“Governor Perry, before we proceed with today’s hearing, would you care to make an opening statement?”

[softly singing Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup”]

“Governor Perry?”

” … Henh?”

“SIR. Would you like to make a — “

“Whoa, whoawhoa, whoa — you’re already up to a gallop, missy. Ol’ Rick likes to start out with a trot.”

” … “

“OK. [clears throat] Thank you for inviting me here today, ladies and gentlemen. I know I have a difficult and important job ahead of me, and I want you to know how seriously I take it. Now, as your agriculture commissioner, I plan to — “

“Wait, what?”

” … “

“As I was saying, as your agricultural commissioner, I plan to –“

“AG-riculture commissioner?!”

“Aw, hell. You know what happened?”

“I grabbed the wrong durned speech. Jesus carpet-bombing a Kia dealership. I was looking for some inspiration from my old ag-com days and I must’ve just picked it up instead. Well, hell.”

“Honestly, it ain’t too different than what I was gonna say. They both finish with the chorus from ‘The Dance’ by Mr. Garth Brooks. Anyway, I suppose y’all got some questions for me about oil and gas and whatnot, so let ol’ Crotch hear ’em.”

“You are aware, of course, that you are also in charge of the United States’ nuclear arsenal?”

” … “

” … “

” … “

“Oh! You mean ‘new-cu-lar.'”

“Anita mentioned that to me last night so I thought I’d better be prepared for some questions.”

“We watched WarGames.”

“Did Matthew Broderick ever get up to anything after that?”