Do you know how easy it would have been for the Cavaliers to go to Oakland last night and lose to the Warriors? Nobody comes back from a 3-1 deficit in an NBA Finals. And almost nobody beats the Warriors on their home court; they lost just two games there during the regular season. So LeBron could have rolled in there and easily scored 25 and lost and then gone home to his Kia. Everyone would have understood. Instead, do you know what happened? LeBron went off for 41. And Kyrie Irving poured in 41. They both scored 41 points. Each one of them scored 41 points. If you add that up, it equals 82 points. Am I telling you this because I watched it happen with my own eyes? No! I didn’t see it happen! And I think you know why I didn’t see it happen. While that was happening, I was watching the last episode of the first (and only?) season of the The Real Housewives of Dallas. Yes, there is a reunion show, taped in a studio, next week. No, I’m not watching it. The reason I’m not going to watch it is because it will be dumb and boring. Just like last night’s dumb and boring episode, which was titled “The Full Nelson.” Nothing happened last night. Nobody scored anywhere close to 41 points. But I’m going to recap the episode anyway. Not with a bang but with a whimper, here it goes:
We open at the Hollman house, where Stephanie and Travis are planning their annual Byron Nelson party, since their pad abuts the course. This should be good, right? Because those house parties at the Nelson are known for their debauchery.
Travis starts to give Stephanie a list of things to do for the party. She freaks, possibly because she is not wearing any makeup. Travis relents and agrees not to make any lists. They shake hands on it. Boring!
Cut to the Telos Fitness Center. LeeAnne and Tiffany lift barbells smaller than paperweights. LeeAnne says, “I don’t know if I’ve forgiven myself for my bad behavior.” She’s talking, of course, about the trip the Austin, when she threatened to kill Marie. LeeAnne explains what happened thusly: “I’m a fun person until right then I’m not.” Stupid!
Over at the Deuber house, Mark and Cary talk about summering in Switzerland and who will be at the Hollmans’ Nelson party. Dull!
The commercial break is more exciting than anything on the show.
At the Redmans’ house, Brandi says some stuff about her long-lost grandfather and her brother trying to kill himself. Then she picks up some rabbit poop. They have a rabbit in the house. The rabbit poops. Brandi picks up the poop. I think I’ve now fully described the situation involving the rabbit and the poop. Did you enjoy reading about it?
Cut to Tiffany and the Aaron Hendra Project looking at a house that they can’t afford. They are told that this duplex near Henderson is on the market for $675,000. The Aaron Hendra Project complains about noise from a nearby construction site, which would make recording problematic. I think that’s why musicians often record music in recording studios. Then Tiffany and the Aaron Hendra Project make out in front of the house.
On to Pinstack for some Redman family bowling. Bryan wears sunglasses on his head. I stress that Pinstack is an indoor bowling alley. Brandi cries. I lose my mind.
Brandi comes over to Stephanie’s house to help prepare for the Nelson party. They pick up dog poop in the yard. Stephanie has a dog. It poops. Stephanie picks up that poop.
WHAT IS HAPPENING? This is not how you get a second season, people! Was there a single scene in The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where someone picked up animal poop? I’m going to venture a guess: no, there was not.
Cut to LeeAnne’s house. She tells her boyfriend, Rich, that she has a meeting with PR man Jeff Crilley to determine whether she has what it takes to be a motivational speaker. LeeAnne says in a confessional: “Do I need help with my anger? Yeah, I need help with my anger.” She cries a little. Rich seems unimpressed.
LeeAnne goes to meet Jeff Crilley. There are two ways you can tell that Crilley is the real deal. First, he’s wearing French cuffs. Second, he has a globe on his conference table, right in the center. At any point, during any meeting at that conference table, someone could say, “Where is Eritrea again?” And — pow — the globe would be right there, and they could find Eritrea. By the way, if you are wondering, no one has to pick up animal poop in this scene.
LeeAnne tells Crilley and company that she’d like to write her “memoirs.” Then she says, “I have rainbows, and I am going to fart glitter until people see it.” I am not making that up. Crilley tells her that if he does his job right, LeeAnne can make up to $50,000 per speech as a motivational speaker. He says he will email her dates to start her speaker training. This is absolutely the funniest thing that has happened on the show.
Cut to the Hollman house. Stephanie in a confessional: “I made this Byron Nelson party my bitch.” And also: “Our Byron Nelson party is not a charity event. It’s just a way for us to blow money out of our ass and get our friends really drunk for our entertainment.” She laughs the laugh. I’ve used many words to describe this laugh. Every second I spent coming up with those words was an insult to God, as I squandered the gift that he gave me. I’m not saying I’m the best writer in the world or even in East Dallas. What I’m saying is, I should have used that time to volunteer at a homeless shelter or, heck, cut my fingernails or draw anime pictures of kitten eyes or read the contents of my spam folder. Anything would have been a better use of my time. You read those words, though. You’re complicit.
Where were we? Oh, yes. At the Hollman house. A party is about to start. Some wild stuff is about to go down. From fundaments will flow many Benjamins, and, lo, friends will fall prey to Bacchus as a result, charitable considerations be damned. Katie, bar the door! Travis, too! His arms are bigger!
No. None of that happens. Bravo does a bunch of editing, jamming party scenes together with confessionals, in an attempt to make the party seem interesting. But it’s not.
Tiffany pulls Marie aside to try to get her to confess that she’s the one who told LeeAnne’s Ex-Lax poop story. Perhaps she forgot that Marie already swore on her daughter’s life that she wasn’t the one who told the story. Then Cary and LeeAnne do their best to have an argument that people will care about. LeeAnne tells her, “I don’t like anything about you. I don’t like your nature. I don’t like the evil inside of you.” The only thing missing from this argument is a globe.
We return to nothingness. A series of freeze frames ensues, each showing a real housewife with a few words on the screen about what happened to her while we all stopped caring.
“Tiffany and Aaron lost the house to a higher bidder. They were heartbroken. Aaron is writing a song about it for his second album.” I can’t wait to listen to a song about being outbid on a duplex! Rock me!
“Cary and Mark summered in Switzerland. She perfected scorpion pose on a romantic jaunt to Italy. Mark now wants homes in both countries.” Mark also wants to wear dresses! I’m sure of it!
“Travis promised to work on his communication. He no longer leaves lists. Instead he leaves notes for sexual favors.” Wait, wait, wait! He leaves notes, and in return he gets sexual favors?! Or the notes ask for sexual favors?! I’m confused!
“LeeAnne entered counseling for anger management. Rich has still not proposed. Which really pisses her off.” Rich, don’t do it!
“On their anniversary, Brandi and Bryan renewed their vows. She kept the fart jokes to a minimum. If it doesn’t stick, she plans to marry Stephanie.” It won’t stick! But if Brandi wants to marry Stephanie, she should keep in mind that neither woman will have a source of income, save for whatever the court awards them in child support!
Then, to end the show, Brandi and Stephanie, still clad in their party dresses, jump into the pool. Every person who has ever been to a Byron Nelson house party yawns the biggest, longest yawn you can imagine.
This has been an adventure for all of us. Ten episodes of this thing. Ten painful recaps. I’d like to offer you some poignant words that put it all in perspective. But I can’t. Because I love God with all my heart, and right now I have to go stare at the sun until my retinas are cleansed of this evil, vacuous television show. Let us never speak of this again.