Last weekend my sister-in-law got married to a lady in Virginia. Great wedding. Lots of laughs. Lots of dancing. Anyway, I met some of the other bride’s family for the first time. Her sister lives in Baltimore. As she’s shaking my hand, she says, “Oh, you’re the guy who does The Real Housewives of Dallas recaps.” Yes, I am. I am the guy who does The Real Housewives of Dallas recaps. My obituary will begin: “Tim Rogers, who was best-known for writing a series of reality-television recaps, died yesterday after a long battle with his liver. His kitchen floor was found to have two layers of old vinyl sandwiched between the subfloor and a layer of plywood, which is why they had to leave the dehumidifiers and blowers in his house longer than expected, which really pissed off his wife because all that stuff was loud and made sleeping difficult.” This recap is for Baltimore! Episode 5 was titled “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” So clearly it’s about interracial marriage, right? No! There’s not a single black person in this episode!
The first four episodes followed the same pattern. Nothing happens for 50 minutes, then a fake fight breaks out. This episode went in reverse. Fake fight followed by 50 minutes of nothing.
We open back at Stephan Pyles, where LeeAnne is still storming out of the restaurant. Speaking of Brandi, the woman whose friendship can send anyone’s Charityworld down the toilet, LeeAnne tells the interview camera: “I’m so mad that I’ve got two choices. Kill the bitch or start crying.” She marches down St. Paul Street. Her friend Tiffany gives chase. They get into a screaming match about whether Tiffany has LeeAnne’s back. Tiffany gets way up in LeeAnne’s grill. There’s lots of bleeped-out swearing.
Here’s what I love about this scene: a valet parking guy stands 5 feet from the ladies, staring at his phone, utterly bored with their antics. The valet stand for Stephan Pyles, by the way, is not on St. Paul Street. It’s around the corner, on Ross. So that valet guy has apparently abandoned his post to witness this epic fracas. But Candy Crush turns out to be more interesting.
Tiffany explains with lots of passion that she has had, and always will have, LeeAnne’s back. To emphasize the point, she shoves LeeAnne, which is a move I don’t understand. Wouldn’t a hug be more appropriate?
When LeeAnne was on our podcast, she laughed at me for taking notes while I watch the show. So I’m not going to transcribe anything that she or Tiffany says in this fake fight. Just know that LeeAnne fails to follow through on her promise. No bitches get killed. Neither are tears shed.
Cut to the interior of Stephan Pyles. Brandi and Stephanie are consoling each other, because they are probably worried that Bravo won’t renew this show for a second season. Cary does color commentary for the interview camera of what just happened, back in Episode 4, between LeeAnne and Stephanie: “It was like when you see a herd of gazelles, and there’s this poor little baby gazelle at the back. It might have a little injured leg. And LeeAnne saw the little injured gazelle that happened to be Stephanie and just [holds imaginary pistol, makes gun noise] like, nailed her.”
This analogy sends me into hysterics. Where to begin? Okay, first, what kind of hunter shoots a baby gazelle with a little injured leg? Answer: no kind of hunter. Hunters shoot big, strong gazelles. Can you imagine shooting a baby gazelle and having it taxidermied? “Oh, thanks. I’m real proud of this one. I killed this baby in Tanzania. It had an injured leg.” And then there’s one more problem with her analogy. Even if a hunter were insane enough to shoot a baby gazelle with an injured leg, HE WOULDN’T USE A PISTOL TO DO IT! The lady is lousy at coming up with analogies, is what I’m saying.
Back outside. LeeAnne pretends that she doesn’t want the cameras filming her having a fake fight with Tiffany. She pretends to assault a cameraman. Then she assaults a passing trolley.
At this point, my 10-year-daughter wanders into the room, and I have to tell her that she can’t watch TV with me. I can hear her in the kitchen talking to my wife.
Daughter: “What is the show about that Dad is watching?”
Wife: “It’s a show about women being mean to each other, saying, ‘I don’t like your clothes and you’re stupid.’ ”
Daughter: “They can’t make a whole show about that.”
Wife: “I guess they can.”
Daughter: “Then why is Dad watching it?”
Wife: “To make fun of it.”
He is survived by his daughter, who did not understand that there are people in Baltimore who want their Real Housewives recap.
LeeAnne takes off her heels and huffs off across St. Paul Street. Next time I’m angry with someone, I’m going to remember to take off my shoes. Tiffany goes back in to Stephan Pyles and gives Marie the recap of her fake fight outside. Everybody eventually has a laugh to release the tension of not doing anything worth putting in front of cameras.
That’s it. Nothing happens for the rest of the show. Ostensibly, we are supposed to care about Tiffany and LeeAnne reconciling. But we don’t care. You can stop reading right here. You won’t miss anything.
Cut to Stephanie’s house on the golf course. She and her husband, Travis, sit on a sofa that has 56 pillows on it. He silently regrets all the money he lost when he produced the film Rain. They talk about celebrating their seventh anniversary and the fake fight at Stephan Pyles. Stephanie tells the interview camera: “I am genuinely scared. It’s not only me she is going to talk about and try to ruin, but it’s also him, his family, and his company.” According to its website, Travis’ company, which is called Hollman, “is the largest producer of wood veneer and plastic laminate lockers in the United States.” Stephanie might be able to fart on command, but if she thinks that LeeAnne can ruin the United States’ largest producer of wood veneer and plastic laminate lockers, then she doesn’t understand wood veneer or plastic laminate lockers. Or the United States.
To LeeAnne’s house. Rich asks how she’s feeling this morning, after all that happened last night at Stephan Pyles. She says she’s not done “processing it.” Which I get. I mean, she assaulted a trolley. Put yourself in her shoes. Now take those shoes off. Now imagine having assaulted a trolley. How long would it take you to process that?
To Tiffany’s apartment. The Aaron Hendra Project gives her a hug. They dramatically drink coffee. The Aaron Hendra Project asks if this is the worst fight Tiffany has ever had with LeeAnne. While she’s answering the question, he thinks about fisting dairy cows.
To LeeAnne’s house. She says stuff about insecurities from childhood and how she wants her friend back. I can’t tell you exactly what she says because I don’t write down any of it.
Back to Tiffany’s apartment. She says she’s headed to a “clothing drive” where LeeAnne will be present. She hopes she can get through it.
Off to Brandi’s house. Her long-lost grandfather is coming over to meet her for the first time. Putting everything in perspective, she tells the interview camera: “I could care less about all the drama that’s gone on with LeeAnne. My grandfather is arriving today. I’ve never met him.” I have many pet peeves. This one is right at the top of the list. The phrase is “I couldn’t care less.” If you could care less, then you care, at least a little bit. But what you’re trying to say is that you don’t care. Brandi’s bad grammar makes me so angry that I’ve got two choices. Kill the bitch or forgo any and all recapping of her tearful reunion with her grandfather.
Cut to the clothing drive, which is for people who are HIV positive. It’s a weird deal where everyone wears yoga pants, and they sort clothes in a parking lot on top of white bed sheets. Tiffany shows up wearing a black baseball cap, Ray-Bans, and two pigtails. She looks like she’s starring in an episode of Pippi Longstocking: SVU. LeeAnne is there. Nothing happens.
Cut to Stephanie’s house. She and Travis climb into a classic Rolls Royce. The car served as a prop for their wedding photos seven years ago. He tracked down the car and bought it. “It’s amazing driving around in a Rolls Royce,” Stephanie tells the interview camera. “It is so crazy that I have a Rolls Royce.” Uh-huh.
They drive to deBoulle, a fancy jeweler on Preston Road whose website, as of this writing, is down. (Update: it’s back up!) Stephanie explains that “important people” buy their jewelry at deBoulle. To celebrate their anniversary, Travis says, she can pick out a diamond bracelet. After trying on several, she picks a 23-carat piece that, according to a graphic flashed on the screen, costs $75,000. When LeeAnne ruins the United States’ largest producer of wood veneer and plastic laminate lockers, Travis will wish he had saved that $75,000.
Cut to Cary’s house. She and husband Mark talk about their “exit strategy” from their plastic surgery business and buying a house in Switzerland. Sounds like a good plan!
To Brandi’s house for grandpa drama. Couldn’t care less.
Back to Cary’s house. Because she got “champagne thrown on her dress” by LeeAnne at Stephan Pyles (which we never saw on camera), Mark went out and bought her a Roberto Cavalli dress. She pulls it out of a box and is super happy. Talking to the interview camera, she calls Mark her wife and says, “He probably spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on clothes for me a year. It’s awesome.” I’m just going to let that statement stand on its own.
Back to Brandi’s place. Still couldn’t care less.
Cary gives herself botox at home. Then she shoots up Mark while he’s seated in a chair in their bedroom. It’s like a scene from Sid and Nancy, only more depressing.
Now we’re at Stephanie’s house, where she is wearing yoga pants and jumping on a trampoline with her kid. Brandi shows up in yoga pants. They sit on the trampoline and drink white wine. Stephanie confirms to Brandi that, yes, Travis got laid after he bought her the $75,000 bracelet. Travis should save his money and learn to masturbate.
At this point, my wife tells me that I should pay her for all the PR she does for my Real Housewives recaps. She has apparently already posted to Facebook the exchange she had with our daughter about the show. I accuse her of stealing my content. My wife says, “She’s my content, too.” We are in a content battle over our daughter. This seems more unhealthy than Travis and Stephanie’s sex-for-bracelets relationship.
Cut to Tiffany and The Aaron Hendra Project. She is gearing up to meet LeeAnne for the big reconciliation. The Aaron Hendra Project is wearing a leather bracelet that did not cost $75,000.
Then we are off to Taverna, where LeeAnne approaches Tiffany, already seated at a table. LeeAnne sneaks up behind Tiffany, kisses her on the cheek and says, “I love you.” Tiffany smiles but doesn’t look away from her phone. She’s as interested in the proceedings as the valet guy.
LeeAnne apologizes and tries to cry but can’t. Then Tiffany tries to cry and fails. Tiffany tells her friend, “I’m Japanese and Native American. I will scalp you, and then I will be like Mr. Miyagi. I think I did a little bit of Mr. Miyagi on you Friday night.” She does karate chop moves and laughs. I wait for her to make a Crazy Horse joke, but she disappoints me.
LeeAnne by now has had time to process her behavior. Here’s how she explains her conclusions to Tiffany: “I tried to be graceful. But, my God, it’s this: Christian, Christian, Christian, Christian, Christian, Christian. Fuck. Carny!” I rewound four time to make sure I accurately counted the number of times she said “Christian.” I want you to know that.
To Brandi’s house. Now, actually, I could care less. Her husband Bryan has been playing golf with Travis when he should have been at the house to meet Grandpa. When he shows up, finally, Brandi claims he’s drunk. But he pushes one of his redheaded kids on a swing in the backyard and doesn’t look drunk to me. Nonetheless, Brandi tells him, “You’re the biggest douchebag that I know, and you are sleeping on the couch.”
That’s where the episode ends. I’m not big on giving people marital advice. I mean, my wife and I are in this battle over content generated by our 10-year-old daughter. What do I know? But I would like to give Bryan a tip: buy Stephanie a bracelet. Problem solved.