The Real Housewives of Dallas Episode 1 Recap

Cary says Dallas women need a great pair of boobs.
Cary says Dallas women need a great pair of boobs.

The premiere episode of the show we’ve all been waiting to hate was titled “Everything’s Bigger in Dallas.” It featured talk of farting and childbirth and charity work. It was fueled by “Jesus juice.” Once more into the breach, dear friends. Shall we recap?

We open in Brandi’s kitchen, where her redheaded children, looking like extras from a production of Lord of the Flies, clamber on granite countertops while she confesses to the Bravo camera that she imagines the impending death of her husband. Brandi says she started dating Bryan in the eighth grade because she wanted to make another boy jealous. “He wants to be this accomplished multimillionaire by the age of 40,” she tells the camera. “He’ll probably wind up dying on a golf course one day, once he reaches all his dreams. I guess we’ll bury him in a hole or something.” She says this with an enormous 100-watt smile that I imagine she wears to mask the pain that comes from not having been able to afford the kind of granite that she really wanted.

Smash cut to hard-driving guitar and a series of Dallas street shots. Look, there’s Traveling Man!

Next we meet LeeAnne. She is going shopping with her best friend, Tiffany. But LeeAnne can’t negotiate the door at a boutique. She pulls when she should have pushed. Or pushes when pulling was called for. Tiffany says: “You drank too much last night.” LeeAnne responds, “Shut up! I don’t read!” We’ve all been there.

Dallas has had several slogans in recent years that I can recall. “Dallas: the city that works.” I’m not sure that was ever true, but it sounded nice. Then came “Dallas: big things happen here,” which I kind of like because it’s open-ended and allows for big bad things to happen. We all know what I’m talking about. LeeAnne’s first words to the Bravo camera could be our next slogan. She pares it back, goes minimal: “Dallas is happening.” Can’t you see that at the bottom of official city stationery? LeeAnne then explains what she means: “As you can see, our hair doesn’t touch the sky. [Ed: she pronounces that last word as ‘ska.’] And I don’t have cowboy boots on. There’s no cows in my backyard. We are far from a hick town, and I am far from a Southern belle.” She says all this while wearing what looks to me like a bicycle chain around her neck. Dangling from the bicycle chain is a mysterious turquoise pouch that contains her dignity. Go ahead. Try to take it.

LeeAnne says she needs clothes because there are hundreds of charity events in the spring and you can’t be caught dead in the same dress. She explains that she doesn’t donate money to charities. She makes phone calls.

“Everyone knows LeeAnne Locken,” says her friend Tiffany. “She’s like the mayor of Dallas.” To which LeeAnne adds, “They call me the Mouth of the South. And I’m okay with that. Because I use that voice to connect charities to people with money.”

With all due respect to LeeAnne Locken, I bet City Manager A.C. Gonzalez doesn’t know who she is. Also, the Mouth of the South is pro wrestler Jimmy Hart’s nickname. I guess we all tell ourselves a certain number of lies to get through the day. But stealing other people’s nicknames isn’t cool.

The shopping trip ends. Smash cut to Pegasus.

Now here’s Cary, who is helping her plastic surgeon husband, Mark Deuber, perform a breast enlargement. I guess my wife and I have a different relationship than the Deubers have. I’m an editor. I’d have a hard time working with my wife just to craft a grammatically sound sentence. I can’t imagine working with her to enlarge breasts. The Deubers should serve as an inspiration to us all.

Anyway, Cary tells the Bravo camera, “If you’re a woman in Dallas, the essentials are you need a great handbag, a great pair of shoes, and you need a great pair of boobs.” She says this while wearing a leopard print dress and with eyes so big that she is clearly Xing. To all the ladies in Dallas who are reading this, I wonder what you might add to Cary’s list of essentials. A great eyebrow wax? Affordable transportation to work?

Before we leave Dr. Deuber’s office, we watch Cary struggle with the drawstring on her scrubs pants for what feels like 10 or 15 minutes.

Cut to a house on the third hole at the Four Seasons. I can’t tell you if it’s the third hole of Cottonwood Valley or the TPC course. But this is where Stephanie lives. Her best friend Brandi drops by, and she opens a bottle of chard. Brandi tells the camera: “Life is always a little bit more fun with Jesus juice. Seriously, Jesus turned water into wine. And so that’s why I call it Jesus juice. Communion is taken with Jesus juice. You can take communion every day.” This is just me talking, but if you are going to use the blood of Christ to day drink, chardonnay is the wrong choice. A pinot would be much more appropriate.

Properly fortified, the two women set to accomplishing the list of chores that Stephanie’s husband, Travis, has left for her. The first one: programming a new garage door opener. They giggle. One of them — it is either Stephanie or Brandi — climbs a ladder, which makes me nervous. Brandi narrates: “We’ll have a little bit too much to drink and we’ll pee in bushes. She will fart on command, and I will dance in her farts.”

Now, this raises all sorts of questions in my mind. First, what is the difference between farting on command and farting on request? Second, does that mean Stephanie always has one in the chamber, as it were, ready to fire? What a way to go through life, constantly suppressing a fart, hoping someone will come along and command you to release it.

As for the dancing in the foul wind, we’ll leave that for another time. Because, thankfully, a commercial provides us relief.

We return from commercial break to the kitchen of Stephanie and Travis. She explains that they spent their courtship getting “hammered” and “making out.” Their two small boys will one day be proud when they watch this show. Then Stephanie admits that she begs for the Rapture so she can escape her marriage. I suppose it’s possible that she’s kidding, but it’s hard to tell.

SMASH CUT!

We go back to Cary, who is preparing for a trunk show at her house. LeeAnne shows up with Tiffany. And then, suddenly, there are so many white women drinking champagne that I can’t keep track of them all. They are in the kitchen. They are in the living room. Brandi or Stephanie or someone else whose name ends in “ee” says something about defecating when she gave birth. LeeAnne looks on disapprovingly and delivers a line that is pretty amazing. She says this: “It’s a little Plano in here.”

That, my friends, is a burn. No one else in the country will get it. But it’s pretty awesome. Unless you live in Plano. How else might we use this construct of LeeAnne’s? Next time I’m at a trunk show where ladies have overserved themselves and are acting boorish, I’m going to say, “It’s a little Sachse in here.” I don’t even know what that means. But I like it.

Commercial relief comes to us.

Then Tiffany and her husband, Aaron Hendra, eat at a restaurant. She’s wearing a Hulk Hogan head scarf. He’s wearing a haircut that says, “I’m Australian, and I have a band called The Aaron Hendra Project.” They go guitar shopping, I guess as a way to prove that Aaron is a musician. He picks up an acoustic guitar and sings a song about something. They kiss. Tiffany says, “It makes me so emotional. Wow.” Uh-huh.

Cut to a shot of Reunion Tower, from which I will surely jump so that I won’t have to recap episode two of this show.

We return to LeeAnne’s house. It’s a ranch style house. I know there are certain people who will say, “A ranch style? For a main character in the Real Housewives franchise? In Dallas? I am deeply disappointed. And hurt.” But I am not one of those people.

LeeAnne eats dinner with her boyfriend Rich, who is a cop. I get the impression that Rich would like to jump with me.

Cut to Brandi’s house. She drinks Jesus juice and talks about the “Charity World.” She doesn’t like LeeAnne because of the way she operates in the Charity World. A showdown is coming. One can only hope it involves dancing in farts.

After some other stuff involving dog poop and a swimming pool (don’t ask), we find ourselves at a woman named Marie’s house for a fundraiser. It was at about this point that my friend Eric Celeste texted me last night. “These are suburban moms, not socialites,” he wrote. “Say what you want about The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but those women had a trunk show recently and it had $10 million diamonds and security. This one had store bought cheese on a dinner plate. Those were not charity events. Those were dinner parties. Crappy ones. I’ve been to better ones in Frisco.” My friend Eric is mean. I apologize on his behalf to Frisco.

Anyway, Brandi does an impression of LeeAnne, which is apparently not cool in the Charity World. So Tiffany and LeeAnne confront her at this fundraiser, asking to see said impression. Awkwardness ensues. Bravo takes about 20 seconds of video and extends it into five minutes. Brandi and LeeAnne repair to a couch for a serious talk about the way the Charity World works and to see who is wearing more eyeshadow. It’s hard for me to tell who is the bad person in this scenario. LeeAnne is clearly forcing a confrontation. But on the other hand, Brandi has admitted to dancing in farts.

The episode ends with Brandi telling LeeAnne that she needs help because she uses the Charity World to put herself at the center of attention. LeeAnne says that she doesn’t judge anyone because that’s God’s job. But you know what? I don’t think she’s being truthful. I think she does judge Brandi. Call it a hunch.

When they find my lifeless corpse at the base of Reunion Tower, tell them what happened. Pray for me. And pray for Brandi and Tiffany and Cary and Stephanie and LeeAnne. Oh, my. I have already memorized their names. This won’t end well.

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Comments

  • ozonedude

    That was much more fun than the show. Bring on Episode 2 and I will read it religiously. Seems like this is more of a “Big Rich Texas” rip-off than a Real Housewives franchise. They should bring some of those ladies back as guest stars at the next Costco-sponsored charity event.

    • Queenmarie

      I loved that show lol. I miss it !!

  • Shannon Thornton

    Yes, please keep watching so we don’t have to. And also include screenshots, like these ladies do in their masterful TV recaps: http://www.gofugyourself.com/tag/the-people-vs-oj-simpson – Thanks!

    • Don’t get greedy. It already takes me WAY too long as it is.

  • Amy S

    A merry roblet. Thank you.

    • I hope I did not roblet you into bogs and marlpits. You’re welcome.

  • Matt Pate

    While I don’t hold wealthy Dallas socialites in any particularly high (or low) regard, I guess it’s a testament to their collective judgement in that none of them agreed to be a part of this show.

    • EricCeleste

      I thought the same thing.

      • Julie Driver Grau

        Exactly. Any true Dallas socialite would write their daughter out of the will of they starred in RHOD. I may be wrong, but I don’t think a single one is a native Dallasite. I’m not even sure any live inside the Loop!

  • T_S_

    The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles with copious amounts of Jesus Juice and an episode re-cap.

  • Ox-Bow

    I doubt Jesus drank white wine.

    • Bill1893

      Yep, especially since white wine was more or less an invention of the middle ages.

    • Nomen Clature

      “…with an ice cube!”

  • Not A Real Housewife

    I’d been having a tough week, with my mom’s passing and all. I am ever grateful to you for the recap, and the uproarious laughter that ensued and probably convinced my colleagues once and for all that I’ve lost it. Laughter is the best medicine, as they say, and you’ll likely be way cheaper than my copay for therapy. Cheers.

  • Bae

    This is gah-bitch as we say in Boston. I’m not even from here and I know it’s complete nonsense, which the RHOD and those who orbit them would say who cares it’s just fun. The most hilarious thing to me is Kim “Good Christian Bitches” Gatlin’s fake horrified rant on Facebook about this show and how they depict Dallas women. Kim, you know, has spent 30 years (!) trying to single handedly rewrite the story of the quintessential hard working Dallas woman that Sue Ellen had the gall to write first. (Bitch). How dare Lee Anne Locken (no less!) undo her hard fought success.

  • Karen Elizabeth

    I trudged through this to watch it. Torture for an hour. Watching as shade was thrown at suburbs…from the suburbs. I shook my head, and created my own .gif moments. The collective IQ of the entire Metroplex took a plummit- but heck, we looked really cute doing it? This was a less-than-flattering glimpse into Dallas life, and I can only apologize to the country with assurances that we are not all as shallow, mouthy, lewd and irreverent as these Housewives portrayed us to be. I’d be much more entertained by the Real Housewives of Oak Cliff.

    • Kel

      Omg oddness my thoughts exactly, I can’t believe this is the chosen to represent Dallas, I’m embarrassed for texas!

    • 100wattlightbulb

      You’re funny! Way more entertaining than the show actually, as is this column.

  • RAB

    “Second, does that mean Stephanie always has one in the chamber, as it were, ready to fire? What a way to go through life, constantly suppressing a fart, hoping someone will come along and command you to release it.”

    I fell in love with you all over again for this.

    • I dance in your wind, RAB. I’ll send you dates for a re-commitment ceremony.

  • Your Gal Val

    Oh thank you for doing this. I’ll buy you a beer for your troubles.

  • Tanner Stormborn Ewing

    Bravo literally dumped these women on TV in the most severe and low-budget way possible. And it was fabulous.

    Now if I were one of these sassy ladies, I’d sue Bravo for making me look that busted.

    “Bye trash box,” -Nene Leakes.

    • Cris Romero

      This program was so bad! I don’t care how much money you have, the Dallas housewives I know don’t act that way. They have much more class than what was portrayed last night.

  • 100wattlightbulb

    I’m from Dallas. If the rest of the franchise is as inauthentic as the Dallas franchise, we have all been duped. Wonder what real NY’ers say about the NYC franchise? This one is atrocious.

  • Kristin McCollum

    I love you.

  • Al

    Didn’t watch the show. Wanted to keep my dinner where I belonged. I just can’t believe they pay people to do crap like this. Or watch the show. Unless it’s your job. And I’m not sure I could do your job. Kudos. And my utmost sympathy.

  • Sheri Stinson Beach

    Wasn’t there a statement about raising 18,000 and now looking to raise 100,000.00 ………..not sure any of these ladies could raise this. Maybe our Hexter Moms could, not them! Plus I heard only one of them actually lives in Dallas.

  • bill holston

    If you want to undo the cosmic damage, show up tonight at Wild Detectives and see former Dallas Observer Reporter Megan Feldman speak about her new book: Triumph of the Heart. But thanks Tim for that entertaining version of this show.

  • SachseDiva

    I was all fine until you went all South Dallas on Sachse. Don’t start nothin’, won’t be nothin’. Loading one up in the chamber for you now…dance on over.

  • Barb

    Bravo couldn’t get any REAL housewives of Dallas because real Dallas born and raised are much more classy than that. Dallas women are also smart, too smart to go on a Bravo show.

  • T_S_

    “She says all this while wearing what looks to me like a bicycle chain around her neck. Dangling from the bicycle chain is a mysterious turquoise pouch that contains her dignity. Go ahead. Try to take it.”

    That’s Gold Jerry! Gold!

  • Kris

    Um, anyone notice the photoshopping for the dark haired girl? 40 lbs later?

  • Auntiecairo

    In all honesty I really thought the Jesus Juice woman and her pal were developmentally challenged their dialogue was so child-like. Have to say that’s been my experience at some charity events – you have those who take it seriously – and those just there to be seen and preen. Best of luck to you Tim trying to recap the show– gonna kill alot of brain cells. . .

  • Arielle

    I am from Dallas and I think Bravo did an awful job of casting this show. This is the worst representation of Dallas ever. Not only did they cast transplants, who aren’t even from Dallas but they literally cast nobodies. I have worked in highland park for years and have experienced the what the real woman of Dallas are like.. The charity events, the huge houses on Beverly street, the parties, the hot spots to be. Real housewives of DALLAS aren’t living in Plano. If you’re going to cast a show about Dallas, why wouldn’t you cast the up and up crowd.. Highland park area.. With woman who are actually from here and represent true Dallas woman. This show is trash and I couldn’t even make it through the whole thing. It was awful.