Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones (photo by Stanton Stephens)

Ask John Neely Bryan: Let Us Declare Independence From Jerry Jones

It's time for a change in management for America's Team.

John Neely Bryan, Our Founder
John Neely Bryan, Our Founder

Question: Who is Jerry Jones? — Amanda S.

Yours is a question I’ve mulled over many a moonlit night since that wildcatting Arkansasan seized control of “America’s Team” in 1989.

We know the broad strokes: fellow plays football at the “University” of Arkansas, graduates to a VP-ship in his daddy’s firm, borrows cash from his father-in-law to strike out on his own business or two, and follows failures by borrowing heavily to enter the oil speculation game. He has the confidence to take the wild risks necessary for success thanks to his sharing that most special of qualities possessed by revered entrepreneurs.

When his gambles pay off big, he’s soon enjoying a level of wealth sufficient to assure that for the remainder of his time on earth, if he so chooses, he can treat everyday existence as a mere burden-less plaything. So that’s what he does.

Who is Jerral Wayne Jones? To the (inferior) outside world, the owner and chief architect of the Cowboys Footballing Consortium is the not-quite-natural face of today’s Dallas, for better and for worse. He and his clan are our royal family (having supplanted the Hunts), time and again demanding tribute from their humble and hapless subjects.

While King Jerry’s early reign showered abundant blessings upon our city (namely, three Superb Owl championships), in recent years he’s gone the way of King George III — his madness growing steadily as his days are increasingly preoccupied with counting the ever-growing mass of his repetitive-concussion-based revenue and lording over the construction of his latter-day Versailles. It’s been 20 years, as of this very day, since his boys clad in blue and silver last held aloft that metallic football on a stick.

Without further ado, I arrive now at the crux of this week’s sermon, carefully considered and infinitely well reasoned as my ruminations ever are. To paraphrase that dandy Tom Jefferson, “When a long train of losses and playoff debacles, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce the people under absolute Mediocrity, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Ownership, and to provide new General Management for their future security.”

That there is the case for a revolution, friends. What brave soul shall step forward to shoulder the tasks of serving as the George Washington of this noble cause? I’d do it (and am abundantly well-qualified to the task), but as you are aware, I prefer to pass my Sundays in watching water polo.

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Sic semper NFL,

John Neely Bryan is founder of the city of Dallas and an expert on all matters. For advice, to have a dispute adjudicated, or seeking wisdom on any of a myriad of topics, [email protected].