Ask John Neely Bryan: Show Me a Hero

Is there any doubt who deserves the title?

John Neely Bryan, Our Founder
John Neely Bryan, Our Founder

Question: [bc] is seeking nominations for our 3rd “buildingcommunityHEROES” trading card series! We would like to invite you to nominate your local heroes who have worked or are working tirelessly to help their communities. The deadline for submitting nominations is December 14th. — Bernardo


Full Name of Hero: John Neely Tiberius Bryan

Home of your Hero: The greatest city God ever gave man in the history of ever — that being Dallas, Texas, The United States of America, North America, Earth, Solar System, The Milky Way, The Universe

Year of Birth: 1810

Cause(s): Social justice, equality of opportunity, the right of every man to get about his own business unmolested, high dudgeon, bad whiskey, that the novels of Jonathan Franzen are self-indulgent crap, that John Wilkes Booth acted alone, a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter, opening your presents on the 12th day of Christmas rather than Christmas Eve — and long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days

What makes this person a hero? At last we have arrived at the crux of the matter. What makes this remarkable and virtuous man worthy of having his visage embossed upon a limited-edition series of cardboard rectangles, the highest possible honor that can be bestowed upon a figure whose life has served as a testament to all that a human being might well accomplish for himself if he buckles down and concentrates his considerable talents — and a bit of elbow grease — to his goals?

Well, I see that the space that you have provided for a response to this query is wholly inadequate to the purpose. In the stead, I shall save us both time by listing here only the qualities of this individual which might, if one suffered from a lack of light and were simultaneously plastered as a result of a long series of Jager shots, suggest that he were anything less than the ne plus ultra of heroism:

He is sometimes too much of a perfectionist.

Upload an image of your hero:


Your name: John Neely “T-Bone” Bryan

Your email: [email protected]

How did you hear about buildingcommunityHEROES?   Via the exceptionally adequate staff of D Magazine

Taste the real truth flavor,

John Neely Bryan is founder of the city of Dallas and an expert on all matters. For advice, to have a dispute adjudicated, or seeking wisdom on any of a myriad of topics, [email protected].