Rick Perry Hits the Campaign Trail Again

[the chorus to Florida Georgia Line’s “Cruise” is blaring over the PA system; there is a modest ovation] “OK, OK, OK, hey, OK. Thank you, I — thank you, alright. OK. Thank you.”

“Hola, mofos.”

“Heh heh heh — aw, hell, I’m just messing around. I promised Jeff and Jamie — my new campaign folks — I promised I wouldn’t say anything like that. Actually, I promised I specifically wouldn’t say that.”

“For one thing, they didn’t get the joke. So then I said ‘Adios mofos’ and they thought they were fired.”

“Heh, you know, it turned into a whole thing. It was like an episode of Seinfeld.”

“You guys watch Seinfeld? You know who I like? That ol’ chubby fella, Newman.”

“But y’all know I ain’t here to talk about Seinfeld. I’m supposed to introduce you to the new Rick Perry.”

“Huh? Huh? How ’bout it y’all? Pretty sharp, huh?”

“But I’m still the same RP. It’s just a new pair of glasses, y’all. They aren’t even real lenses.”

“I thought about changing. But then I realized I had already changed too much. So your boy Rick gave himself a good long look in the mirror. And he asked himself a tough question.”

“HOW IN THE GD DANG HELL DID I STOP BEING THE BIGGEST JERK IN TEXAS?”

“I mean — heh — that was my whole thing.”

“But now you got Governor Kermit the Frog following the orders of Alex Jones, who looks like a 9/11 truther had a baby with a pair of Oakleys. And Ted Cruz.”

“Ted couldn’t keep his foot out of his mouth if you gave him a GD Bane mask.”

“Plus, Teddy Ballgag looks like a wax figure of a 1920s silent film star trying to squeeze out a kidney stone.”

“Now where was I? Oh. Right.”

“How did I lose my edge?”

“Jesus Christ crotch-chopping at Summerslam — I USED TO HAVE THIS STATE BY THE TAQUITO.”

“But I’m officially back in the game, and I can promise you one thing. Six months from now, when someone starts talking about that irrationally conservative wingnut from Texas, the first name you’re gonna think of is Ricky Perry.”

“Even if I have to go on Anderson Cooper’s show and equate homosexuality to alcoholism to his face.”

“Oh, Jeff and Jamie wanted me to let you guys know I’ve taken up yoga. NAMASTE.”