Question: How excited should I be about Joey Gallo? — Tim R.
When the histories of this period are written — and I have it on the highest possible authority that the Dallas Citizens Council has already composed a rip-roaring page-turner of a first draft — you may come to regret the enthusiasm with which you’ve greeted the arrival of the newest slugger for the Texas Rangers Bases Ball Club.
Through the first six games of his major-league career (which began last week), Joseph Nicholas Gallo has tallied 2 home runs and 5 RBI, posted a .583 slugging percentage and a .370 on-base percentage, good for an OPS+ of 164. I hope I don’t have to tell you what an impressive spectacle of manhood this makes. Seriously, I hope I don’t have to tell you because I have never been much of a bases ball fancier. Leisure time is better spent in observation of the sport of kings: water polo.
Irregardless, while Mr. Gallo also earned his first “golden sombrero” (four strikeouts in a game) during this run, there’s no doubt whatsoever in my considerable mind that he’s already punched his ticket to the Cooperstown Class of 2040. Enthusiasts of the Arlington bases ballers can therefore proceed in confidence that they will enjoy many sweaty afternoons’ and evenings’ entertainments in the years to come whilst watching this young’n swat a ball of yarn with a block of wood. For my own amusement, I far prefer to cogitate upon a gorgeous outside water shot driven to the goal from beyond the 5-meter line by the Texas Longhorns point. The grace! The strength! The rippling of taut musculature…
Apologies, good sir, for my momentary digression. My purpose today is in fact to warn of the dangers Mr. Gallo’s presence represents to the future of this, the greatest city that God has ever given me to give to my fellow man in the history of history. And, yes, it has much to do with the zombie toll road.
For some time now, I’ve heard curmudgeonly whispers that the actual purpose behind the proposed construction of a massive highway between the levees that long ago subjugated the mighty Trinity isn’t traffic relief or the enrichment of construction magnates. The true motivation is to provide easier access to the southwestern corner of downtown Dallas as a means of better facilitating the birth of a grand new entertainment district therewith, a project from which the city’s sole daily broadsheet stands to benefit.
I can only speculate — albeit with the benefit of my many decades of compiled wisdom — that George Dealey’s rag is desperate to get out of its dying industry. That is why the paper has long been shilling for the Trinity toll road, as well as the company’s preferred alignment for a second DART downtown line. If successful, it can sell all or some of the property it owns over there, including the Rock of Truth Masonic Temple on Young Street. Thereafter unburdened, Belo shall be free to move into an industry with far more reliable revenue streams: parking lots.
What, the less savvy reader is wondering, does any of this have to do with Mr. Gallo’s prowess on the diamond? You poor, naïve fools haven’t stopped to consider that the sort of preternatural talent displayed thus far by this 21-year-old from the City of Sin doesn’t just happen, have you? You think it’s beyond the talents of the toll road cabal to arrange for a certain eager young bases ball player to receive the benefit of certain genetic enhancements and to coordinate with the overlords of a certain bases ball league to ensure that a certain local professional bases ball squad receives the benefit of his services? Ah, what I wouldn’t give to live within the sweet, innocent reality of your self-delusions.
Mr. Gallo’s arrival has been timed so as not to draw suspicion when — as the coordinated toll road and DART plans come to fruition — in a couple years the Rangers announce that they’ve seen the light and will relocate their stadium operations from their current sub-urban exile. And what better spot then as the centerpiece of a fabulous new entertainment destination at the hub of the regional transportation network? Mr. Gallo’s exploits will have become such legend by then that voters/lemmings shall eagerly sign the IOU to finance a new ballpark.
You have to admire the gumption, even if the manipulation sickens the stomachs of all good-hearted men. It’s enough to turn one off of the national pastime all together. In which case aquatic rugby will be there for you — long after the National Concussion League and those silly Canadian ice capades have also fallen out of favor. Oh, and don’t get me started on the tedium that is the contests of Dr. Naismith’s Peach-Bucket Association.
Fine-tuning my game,
John Neely Bryan is the founder of the city of Dallas and an expert on all matters. Email him for advice, to have a dispute adjudicated, or to seek his wisdom on any of a myriad of topics, at [email protected].