Scared Straight With Susan Hawk

"Kids, I'm here today to talk to you about drugs. Pills. I know you've seen 'em. Mom has a 'headache.' Dad's 'back' is acting up. Some of you have probably already taken a few. You probably think it's no big deal. It's not like you're snorting or shooting, right?"
“Kids, I’m here today to talk to you about drugs. Pills. I know you’ve seen ’em. Mom has a ‘headache.’ Dad’s ‘back’ is acting up. Some of you have probably already taken a few. You probably think it’s no big deal. It’s not like you’re snorting or shooting, right?”
"You're wrong. Nuh-uh. Pills are just as bad. Maybe they're worse. I mean, you can tell yourself you're just taking your medicine. It doesn't even feel like you're doing anything bad."
“You’re wrong. Nuh-uh. Pills are just as bad. Maybe they’re worse. I mean, you can tell yourself you’re just taking your medicine. It doesn’t even feel like you’re doing anything bad.”
"Did you know dragons are real? Damn right, they are, and they cause -- and listen, we know this for sure -- they cause at least 100 fires every year. Every year."
“Did you know dragons are real? Damn right, they are, and they cause — and listen, we know this for sure — they cause at least 100 fires every year. Every year.”
"I mean, you got the pills from your doctor, so they can't be all that bad, right? And maybe for a little while, they aren't. But then, maybe, I don't know, you start shaking when you haven't had one for a while, and that doesn't feel like it could be normal or okay. And then you start thinking about them while you're doing other things. Getting a haircut, or practicing your jumpshot, or deciding being on the the bad side of a Polish prosecutor is right where you want to be. And that feels weird. If it's just medicine, if it's no big deal, why are you thinking about it while watching House of Cards and practicing all of Robyn Wright's mannerisms?"
“I mean, you got the pills from your doctor, so they can’t be all that bad, right? And maybe for a little while, they aren’t. But then, maybe, I don’t know, you start shaking when you haven’t had one for a while, and that doesn’t feel like it could be normal or okay. And then you start thinking about them while you’re doing other things. Getting a haircut, or practicing your jumpshot, or deciding being on the the bad side of a Polish prosecutor is right where you want to be. And that feels weird. If it’s just medicine, if it’s no big deal, why are you thinking about it while watching House of Cards and practicing all of Robyn Wright’s mannerisms?”
"I know. It can be scary. You want to stop, but you can't. You can't stop wanting to stop, either. So nothing is ever normal. Every day, you just want to, you just, you want a, you need -- every day, you just try to make it to, carry on with what, you just -- uh, and so."
“I know. It can be scary. You want to stop, but you can’t. You can’t stop wanting to stop, either. So nothing is ever normal. Every day, you just want to, you just, you want a, you need — every day, you just try to make it to, carry on with what, you just — uh, and so.”
"I guess everyone in here is just totally fine with all of these spiders in here. Okay. Good to know. Don't come crying to me when they start vomiting acid. That's what they do, you know."
“I guess everyone in here is just totally fine with all of these spiders in here. Okay. Good to know. Don’t come crying to me when they start vomiting acid. That’s what they do, you know.”
"Listen, if you guys ever find yourselves in a jam, if you don't know what to do, you can call me. I'll be there as fast as I can, if you need, or I can talk as long as you want, if that's what you need."
“Listen, if you guys ever find yourselves in a jam, if you don’t know what to do, you can call me. I’ll be there as fast as I can, if you need, or I can talk as long as you want, if that’s what you need.”
"Don't freak out because you are surrounded, every minute of every day, by demons created solely from the last breaths of murdered angels who wield swords forged in the pain and suffering of the ancient, imprisoned, alien races that invented football and democracy."
“Don’t freak out because you are surrounded, every minute of every day, by demons created solely from the last breaths of murdered angels who wield swords forged in the pain and suffering of the ancient, imprisoned, alien races that invented football and democracy.”
"And don't freak out because I'm the Dallas County district attorney."
“And don’t freak out because I’m the Dallas County district attorney.”

Comments

  • Jim Schutze

    I say that to myself every morning.

  • Disgusted

    Excellent work, Mr. Crain. You’ve managed to put together mean-spirited and inherently misogynistic garbage and publish it as news. For extra credit, you also handle mental health and substance abuse in a completely inappropriate and shameful way. Bravo. Your mother must be proud.

    • RAB

      Wait, are you making an insinuation that Ms. Hawk has mental health issues? Shame on you.

      Also, as a father, I find your statement, “Your mother must be proud,” inherently misogynistic. Fathers can be proud, too.

  • Bizarro Big Tex

    So, does that make me a bad person because I laughed out loud while reading it? Now my administrative assistant is giving me the side-eye for my spontaneous chortling. Zac, you do good work!

  • FrontRowSeat

    I don’t understand the piling on that is happening here. She got help for a prescription drug problem and for that she is being shamed? As for the claims and counter-claims concerning her former first assistant/friend I would think that unless you witnessed the incident first hand and had first-person knowledge of their verbal exchanges then you are doing nothing here except furthering your own unspoken agenda. I think the shame should be on you!

    • RAB

      Come on, you gotta admit that accusing her second-in-command of using forfeiture funds to have a locksmith make a key to her house, and then using said key to unlawfully enter her house to steal a “compromising” photograph of her is a little batshit-nutty.

      The interesting thing, though, is there is apparently a photograph of her that is “compromising” — and it appears to be missing. (!!)

  • jason_lichty

    can’t wait for the next one on Dwaine’s chest pains!!!