Tuesday, July 5, 2022 Jul 5, 2022
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Delete These Phrases From Your Vocabulary Forever

World class: Unless you are talking about the late, great World Class Championship Wrestling promotion once ruled by the Von Erichs, or are saying it in a derisive manner ("another 'world class' idea by the mayor") followed by a dismissive wanking motion, or -- actually, those are the only two instances in which it is okay, and even the last one I'm not so sure about. We need about a solid century of never putting those two words together to make up for the damage done by constantly chasing approval from big-brother cities like New York or London or who cares. Stop saying it. Stop thinking it. Stop kind of saying it. Stop. Signature: This is like a cousin to "world class." How do you get a world class toll road? With a signature pedestrian overlook, of course. "Signature" is what gets us into messes. "Signature" bridges, etc. and so on. We are too old of a city to manufacture anything "signature" about ourselves, but we keep trying, which is actually our "signature" quality. Just to be safe, when you need someone to sign something, ask for their John Hancock instead of their signature. That will become tiresome pretty quickly, so then you need to start saying it in a funny, dorky voice, like you know it's a corny phrase. That will buy you some more time. But that, too, will get old. Then start asking for someone's "Juan Hancock." Say it in an elaborate accent. Not offensive. More just ... florid. Regal, almost. Then, when that stops working, just silently put one of those "sign here" post-its where you need the s_gn_t_r_. "Feels like Austin." 1) Screw that place. They hate us. 2) There are now enough establishments around Dallas that have that leafy, repurposed, jackasses-in-flip-flops-and-beards thing happening that you can just reference one of them instead. Yeah, it's on its way out. Kill it completely.
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World class: Unless you are talking about the late, great World Class Championship Wrestling promotion once ruled by the Von Erichs, or are saying it in a derisive manner (“another ‘world class’ idea by the mayor”) followed by a dismissive wanking motion, or — actually, those are the only two instances in which it is okay, and even the last one I’m not so sure about. We need about a solid century of never putting those two words together to make up for the damage done by constantly chasing approval from big-brother cities like New York or London or who cares. Stop saying it. Stop thinking it. Stop kind of saying it. Stop.

Signature: This is like a cousin to “world class.” How do you get a world class toll road? With a signature pedestrian overlook, of course. “Signature” is what gets us into messes. “Signature” bridges, etc. and so on. We are too old of a city to manufacture anything “signature” about ourselves, but we keep trying, which is actually our “signature” quality. Just to be safe, when you need someone to sign something, ask for their John Hancock instead of their signature. That will become tiresome pretty quickly, so then you need to start saying it in a funny, dorky voice, like you know it’s a corny phrase. That will buy you some more time. But that, too, will get old. Then start asking for someone’s “Juan Hancock.” Say it in an elaborate accent. Not offensive. More just … florid. Regal, almost. Then, when that stops working, just silently put one of those “sign here” post-its where you need the s_gn_t_r_.

“Feels like Austin.” 1) Screw that place. They hate us. 2) There are now enough establishments around Dallas that have that leafy, repurposed, jackasses-in-flip-flops-and-beards thing happening that you can just reference one of them instead. Yeah, it’s on its way out. Kill it completely.

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