I trust you are all sufficiently recovered from last week’s federally-mandated feasting to pay heed to what I am about to say because I am going to say this but once: D Magazine’s 10 Most Eligible Men in Dallas list is a joke. This ordinarily upstanding periodical purports to present a collection of gentlemen who exemplify the finest specimens of masculinity in our corner of northern Texas, and yet there’s not a single farmer or rancher among them? The only manual laborer in the bunch is a damn Canuck paid to play-act at some form of figure-skating combat. And what the hell is an “events and cultural coordinator?” I’ll bet not a one of these fellows has so much as wrestled a bear in his life. It’s no wonder no women have been willing to have any of this lot for husbands.
I’ve already volunteered to take charge of next year’s search, so as to spare the careless editors at D further opprobrium. I was known as quite the man’s man in my day.
Now, to address your needs, as filed at [email protected].
Question: What’s the official ‘City of Dallas’ position on broken parking meters? Is this a free parking win, or is this a ticket because you can’t feed a broken meter? — Rob S.
I thought these internal combustion engines were supposed to make your lives so much easier. I mean, I can appreciate the supposed advantages of transporting oneself and one’s cargo across a vast distance in only a fraction of the time it took way back when. But you folks sure do bellyache about your cars a lot: too much traffic, petroleum fuel is too expensive, the mechanic ripped you off, roads destroy neighborhoods, yadda, yadda, yadda.
It’s difficult for me to muster a significant portion of sympathy, then, when you connive and kvetch about the lack of freely available parking whenever and wherever you want it. Don’t want to put your money into one of the city’s tax machines to secure a spot? Hell, I wouldn’t want to either. Just shut the hell up about it. The neighborhoods surrounding the city’s central business district, for example, are filled with abundant cost-free street parking only a mile or two away. You’re telling me you can’t walk a mile? Son, my outhouse was a half-mile from my cabin — never was much a fan of the odor of that facility — and I would make that round-trip at least once a night, often in pitch black with snakes and scorpions running every which way along the path.
I’ll assume that your answer is that you can’t, that you’re in a big damn hurry like the rest of your 21st-century brethren. With that the case, I have eliminated you from the running for D Magazine’s next best bachelors list, and I have secured an answer to your inquiry.
Long story short: There is no free parking at meters. According to my sources at the Dallas Police Department, most broken or disabled meters will display a no parking symbol. If you park in the spot adjacent to such a meter, you are liable to receive a citation. And even if the symbol isn’t displayed, if a meter doesn’t appear to be functioning correctly (like it isn’t displaying the remaining time that you’ve purchased, if paying with cash), you’re advised to take your vehicle elsewhere and call 214-671-1324 to report the broken meter. To ignore this advice is also to risk a fine, and there’s no guarantee that the court will buy your defense that the meter was out of order.
If you’re so desperate for a parking spot that you’re willing to risk the wrath of City Hall, I’d invite you to reexamine your priorities. Are you driving your car, or is your car driving you? #JNBurn
For the greater glory of glory itself,
John Neely Bryan is the founder of the city of Dallas and an expert on all matters. Email him for advice, to have a dispute adjudicated, or to seek his wisdom on any of a myriad of topics, at [email protected].
