In the lobby of the Super 8 off South Hampton Road, a corporate securities lawyer that no one recognizes steps up to a lectern. He surveys the crowd, which includes an elderly couple from Shreveport checking in for the night.
UNIDENTIFIED LAWYER
I’d like to thank everyone for coming. Yesterday Ron Washington held a press conference to explain his decision to step down as manager of the Texas Rangers baseball team. This press conference is to answer all the questions left unanswered at the previous press conference, plus some new questions that the aforementioned press conference raised. This is the first time that Ron Washington has spoken publicly about the matter since yesterday’s press conference. He will make a statement, and there will not be any questions after that statement. That being the case, you might wonder why we called a press conference, rather than just issuing a press release. The answer is simple: Wyndam Rewards Bonus Points. Now here’s Ron Washington.
Ron Washington, dressed in a dark blue Haggar suit, rises from a seat next to his tiny wife, Gerry, and approaches the lectern. The couple from Shreveport snaps pictures with their phones. Plastic fronds of a Nearly Natural paradise palm wither under the bright lights of the TV cameras.
RON WASHINGTON
I want to thank you guys for coming.
I made a mistake. I’m more embarrassed than I’ve ever been in my life, even more embarrassed than I was yesterday. That press conference was horrible. When you respect the press conference, the press conference respects you, and I didn’t respect the press conference yesterday. No excuse. I guess I should have slept at a Holiday Inn. [laughs nervously, looks at front desk] All due respect to the folks at Super 8.
At yesterday’s press conference, I told you that I had not been true to my wife, whose name escapes me at the moment. This led some people to ask why I would walk away from my high-paying dream job just because I’d gotten a little action on the side. That’s my bad. I should have been more clear. When I said I wasn’t true to my wife, what I meant was that I had lied to her.
Okay, here’s what happened. We were in Las Vegas, right? And Jerry Jones was there, too. He offered me and my wife $1,000,000 if he could spend a night with her. Now, we had just lost our life savings at the dang roulette table, so after thinking about it awhile, we agreed. Of course, Jerry flew her on a helicopter to his yacht and then pulled this two-headed coin trick on her — anyway, that’s not the point.
The point is, I took the $1,000,000 and gambled it all away on pai gow. Well, okay, I lost about $950,000 at pai gow. The other $50,000 I spent on a week-long stay in the Chairman Suite at the Bellagio and a whole mess of really pure crystal meth. That was the first time I ever did meth. A little coke back in 2009. Then the meth this time around. That’s it. And some mushrooms that one night. I promise that’s it.
So when Jerry finally realized that his relationship with my wife would never be as good as my relationship with her, he told her this lie about how he’d had a series of $1,000,000 girls, just to make it easier for her to leave him. She came back to me, and I told her I gave away our $1,000,000 to charity.
That’s how I wasn’t true to her. And that’s why I quit my job with the Rangers — because I knew I’d eventually test positive for the meth. Well, and because the team was on pace to lose 100 games this season.
I look forward to the future and getting back in the game and continuing my career. I want to give a final thanks to the fans. Texas Rangers fans, you’ve been good to me, and you’ve pretty much given me a free pass because of those two World Series. I will miss you. That’s all I have to say. Thank you.
Ron Washingtown steps away from the lectern, does his trademark running-in-place move to encourage Gerry to get up out of her chair and get moving, then walks to the elevator with her.
