D Staff Scouting Report: Zac Crain is Faster Than Michael Mooney

I’m not saying I’m faster than anyone else on staff. I’m not going to power-rank that right now. Tim is almost certainly faster, and Brad, too. But, in a 40(ish)-yard dash on a street in Deep Ellum while wearing non-athletic attire, I am demonstrably faster than Michael Mooney. This was proved last night/this morning. Twice. Granted, Michael was wearing cowboy boots, but I think the fact that, during the second race, I was able to turn around and backpedal while pointing at Michael like I was Deion Sanders finishing up a pick-six shows that I would have won regardless of our respective choices in footwear. I will say this: Mooney is faster off the line than I would have expected. The downside of all this is I’m going to have to deal with him demanding a rematch until one of us is no longer able to walk. Enjoy your Friday, everyone.


  • Christopher Mosley

    Deep Ellum is some of the most treacherous and unforgiving terrain in Dallas. Tread lightly, fellas.

  • joeptone

    Not a surprising result, considering that Mooney wears a parachute on his face.

  • Shaina_Arias


  • Keith

    I wonder who is the better writer.

    No, actually, I don’t.

    • Zac Crain

      If you think that will ruin my fun, Keith, THINK AGAIN.

      Mike’s a better writer.

  • Keith

    No, I was playing right into your hand. I get it.

    Mike would have noticed and written a better response. He is Kimmel to your Kanye . . .

  • Tim Rogers

    Look. Maybe Matt Shelley can take me. Brad rides a bike, so I’m not going to take him lightly. That new guy, Travis, he worries me a little. Dude has a beast-mode beard, and he looks fit. But I’ll just say it: I’m the fastest man at D Magazine. I’m willing to prove it.