The Return of Alibaster K. Abthernabther!

Certain of you folk will remember Alibaster K. Abthernabther. He’s a fellow a few years back who took to writing vulgar, hilarious personal letters to various Dallas citizens. Then he got a gig writing a humor column at Quick (moment of silence). His alter ego was a guy named Geoff Johnston. He died in 2009. Well, this morning I got an email from Abthernabther, on the occasion of my last day as editor of D Magazine. Cristina takes over Monday. I asked Abthernabther if I could share his note. It’s NSFW:

Dearest Timothy,

Good day to you, sir. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabether, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and dead person. Yes, dead people can still access their Gmail accounts. However, the departed’s “Retrieve Password” process is quite the fucker of mothers.

It has come to my attention that you are stepping down from your imperial post at D Magazine and conferring the Editor’s scepter to a successor so that you may return to the writer’s trench. I cannot fathom a nobler endeavor, apart from that one evening in 2007 when I let Andrea Grimes “be the guy.”

As you move in whatever direction it is that you are moving, please keep in mind and heart those writers without your gift; the muddy and ruddy plebeians that have yet to master their craft and continue to carve away at the grammarian’s granite in the hope of producing a truly magnificent work of prose. Specifically, continue to promote Geoff Johnston’s contributions. He needs the encouragement and support in a manner that is borderline unhealthy. You would think being equipped with such a gargantuan penis would award him more confidence. Clearly, this is not the case.

I would wish you the best of luck, but it is certainly not required. To paraphrase Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, “You have the tools and you have the talent.” Sorry, that was not Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz. That was Winston Zeddemore in the major motion picture Ghostbusters.

I must dash off now. Elmore Leonard is about to administer a much-deserved thrashing to David Foster Wallace.

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

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