Zac Crain’s Advice Column For People Seeking Advice In Column Form

As you can probably gather from the headline, I’ve started an advice column. What can you ask me? A better question: what can’t you ask me? The answer to the first: anything. The answer to the second: nothing. OK, that’s enough of my rambling. Let’s get to your questions!

Q: I have a patch of soil in my backyard where grass is not growing. Is now a good time to re-seed or is it already too late in the growing season? — Tim R., Dallas

A: Ick. I know that many people think a green, lustrous lawn is a beautiful and natural thing, but putting on a show for your neighbors and household pets under the withering gaze of our Lord and savior is unacceptable in my book. In fact, I can’t think of a place I would ever want to see that. But, if you’re really committed to growing grass this summer, April to early May provides decent conditions for lawn growth. Watch out for weeds, and make sure your seeds stay moist for at least a week to 10 days. Or, just let it all die, sell your lawn mower, and enjoy your summer.

Q: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Our sex life has grown stale. You know, children, life, jobs — everything. I’m curious about swinging and would like to suggest it as an option but don’t know how to broach the subject. What do you suggest? — New Jack Swinger, Plano

A: Gross. I know that many people think an active, adventurous sex life is a beautiful and natural thing, but putting on a show with your neighbors under the smirking eyes of our Lord is unacceptable in my book. In fact, I can’t think of a place I would ever want to see that. Actually, scratch that. I have some ideas. Kidding! Anyway, if you’re dead set on doing this, I suggest a couple of glasses of your wife’s favorite Chardonnay and the Adam Sandler remake of The Longest Yard. If you can’t figure it out from there, write in again and I’ll send you the name of a divorce lawyer.

Q: I get chastised a lot at work for putting the “good” paper in the printer when, I’m told, the “normal” paper will work just fine. What’s the difference between the two, and does it really matter? — Paper Tiger, Downtown Dallas

A: Ugh. I know that many people think using the work printer any way they want is a beautiful and natural thing, but making your own rules in the cubicle area under the clock-watching guidance of our Lord and direct supervisor is unacceptable in my book. There is a difference — the “good” paper is sturdier and smoother and therefore costs more, and should only be used for important business correspondence, certificates of appreciation that are destined for the nearest trash receptacle, NCAA brackets, and snippy signs about the condition of the break room. For everything else, use the “normal” paper.

Q: When is it acceptable to “reply all” to an email? — NAME WITHHELD

A: Yeesh. I know that many people — you know what? NEVER. Never ever. Never never never. Also, don’t copy everyone in the office when you send an email. (I know it’s pretty much the same thing, but clearly people don’t understand.) And don’t mark every single one of your emails “urgent” with one of those red exclamation points, either. Stop. Promise me.

Q: I was thinking about voting for Bobby Abtahi, but I see Angela Hunt has endorsed his opponent. I really like Angela Hunt on the council, so I’m conflicted. What should I do? — Charles Foster, Dallas Zoo

A: Ick. I know that many think a woman providing nourishment to her baby is a beautiful and natural thing, but putting on a show in the house of the Lord is unacceptable in my book. In fact, I can’t think of a place in public where I would want to ever see that. So for those women out there who bare all at the mall food court or in line at the supermarket, consider waiting until you can be a little more discreet.


  • Marcus

    “Zac, the Texanist is on line 2, would like to discuss this ‘new’ feature of yours.”

  • Zac Crain

    Sorry, I’ve got Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Dan Savage, Carolyn Hax, and Hints from Heloise on the line. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

  • JNo

    Zac Crain you are awesome. Carry on, Hal.

  • heels

    Ick, Gross, Ugh, Yeesh, Ick. Repeat.

  • None

    I have neighbor that I just don’t like, so I am afraid I could be making too much of this so I need advice. Others don’t like her either. She have two beautiful children 12 and 8. Unfortunately the 12 year old boy has autism. The 8 year old girl not. Recently she told that while she was busy doing yard work, the 8 year old gave the 12 year old, his nightly bath. I don’t feel this is proper. Should I say something or shut my mouth