Letter to the Editor: ‘I Was Appalled and Offended!’

In our December issue, for our little jokes page we call The Ender, Zac asked local notables to name the biggest animal they could kill with their bare hands. The resulting article we titled “How To Kill a Manatee,” on account of Gordon Keith said he could kill a manatee. Here’s how he said he’d do it:

Although the West Indian manatee can reach a weight of 1,300 pounds, it’s 1,300 pounds of stupid and lethargy. A manatee only has sex once every two years, and, although that beats my average by four months, I understand him. It’s easy to kill an animal that barely has the will to live. Some animals will fight back. They have a look in their eye that says, “I will rip out your trachea if you approach my afterbirth one more time.” Not the manatee. The most menacing look a manatee can muster is the one where he wants to read you a bedtime story. So I would speak in sweet tones to the manatee and convince him to beach himself. Then I would rest a bare but comforting hand on the nape of his neck folds and set about reading him Goodnight Moon until he dried out like Creek Bed E.T. I would hate myself for this, but that’s what beer is for.

Check out the rest of the piece to see what answer Gina Miller, Rhett Miller, Robert Jeffress, and others gave. Anyway, at least one reader, Carol Pool, did not enjoy December’s Ender. Today we received the following letter from her. In the interest of time, I have not edited it:

I was appalled and offended by the article!. If this was intended to be funny I do not see the humor in promoting animal abuse in graphic detail. Really, even threatening small dogs? The manatee is near extension as well as many of the animals written about in the article thanks to man’s unkindness. If Zac Crain has anger management issues or some  other psychological problem then he should seek professional help instead of encouraging people to lash out at helpless, defenseless animals. I am glad my subscription is up this month I will not be renewing or will I ever read another copy of “D”. I imagine anyone who is a friend of animals or is normal would not be reading you magazine ever again either. You have lost site of the intent of you magazine. This type of hate towards animals is not representative of Dallas. Both the author and the editor who allowed this article to be published should be fired! I am frightened by all the people who were quoted and hope they all get the professional help they need to deal with their anger and hate! I hope the police are watching all of you since animal abuse is against the law!!!


  • Zac Crain

    Quick question: which extension is the manatee near? I hope it’s not 224. That’s mine!

  • TheSlowPath

    I think this lady raises an important point, Tim, namely: have you indeed lost site of the intent of you magazine?

  • D. Shapiro

    I thought this was a hypothetical, not a documentary. I misunderstood. But since D Magazine thinks it’s appropriate to allow and document the killing of a manatee by reading it Goodnight Moon, I have no other choice but to hop on my unicorn and ride back to the protective folds of the land of magic elves where I live.

  • David Burrows

    So… I’m guessing she’s not a fan of the Wile E Coyote and Road Runner series.

  • heels

    it is other psychological problemS, as in dozens.

  • Steve

    “I am glad my subscription is up this month I will not be renewing or will I ever read another copy of “D”.”

    Man, if Wick had a nickel for every time he’s heard that….

  • mynameisbill

    Carol trolled you guys hard! Ha! Carol and myself be slaying manatees on the real, yo. We’re gonna have a great big laugh about this, while cruising the back roads, placing our “empties” in the paws of deceased armadillos.

  • Buford Cluckers

    @David Burrows – She’s also boycotting all ACME products.

  • James

    Any opening sentence which ends with both an exclamation point AND a period lets the reader know that the writer means business.
    “This type of hate towards animals is not representative of Dallas.”
    Yeah, but what about Balch Springs? Does it represent Balch Springs? How about Seagoville?

  • Dubious Brother

    It seems to me Mr. Keith’s average may beat Ms. Pool’s average by four months which would explain everything.

  • Topham

    I have no problem with trichechidaecide. But giving print space to Gordon Keith is simply inexcusable.

  • sooieeehog

    Did Dr. Robert Jeffress just confess to murder? There was no smiley face after the quote, so I have to assume that he actually killed a deacon with his bare hands.

  • Daniel

    I guess Carol Pool won’t be among the beautiful people attending the opening of Club Baby Seals.

  • Cabe Booth

    Well I see that she was “Appalled and Offended”…but..what about Dirk, Stig, Nasty and Barry the fabulous RUTLES!!?
    From what ive heard they are all “Shocked and Stunned”
    here’s a clip of thier reaction.

  • David Hopkins

    What if encouraging people to lash out at helpless, defenseless animals is part of Zac Crain’s treatment, as prescribed by a mental health professional? You don’t know.

  • Cabe Booth

    If I ever met a ” Sea Cow” (that’s what we call em in Lakewood, an it aint considered a’ racist neither so shut your complaint slot).. I take my boot and dust his pouch! POOF!!!!

  • Darren

    I didn’t read the article, but did the accompanying picture/graphic include a raspberry?