Rick Perry: “2016 Is Multiple Lifetimes Away”

“I think we said the door was going to be left open [for a presidential run], but there is a lot of work that has to be done,” Perry said. “2016 is multiple lifetimes away.” He’s right.

December 2012, Governor of Texas
January 2013, Full-Time Student after watching the Rodney Dangerfield vehicle Back to School on Comedy Central
March 2013, leaves to become soldier of fortune after watching Red Dawn
March 2013, returns to Texas almost immediately, becomes George Strait impersonator, mistakenly sings only Clint Black songs
Summer 2013, tours with Ted Nugent as his crossbow coordinator
November 2012, releases novelty rap single, an extremely late response to Chief Keef’s “I Don’t Like”
January 2014, releases the gangster-chic book Knuckle Sandwich on Timothy Cavendish’s vanity press
March 2014, produces and stars in a series of couples videos with his wife Anita, titled Fed Up!: Our Fight to Save Marriage From Boredom
Summer 2014, this happens
Fall 2014, stars in short-lived Walker,Texas Ranger reboot, as Walker’s new boss, Captain Frank Hahrdass
February 2015, announces intention to run for president
August 2015, loses his place during speech, ad libs with the last two verses of “The Thunder Rolls” by Garth Brooks, announces the termination of his candidacy


  • Harvey Lacey

    But, and this butt is of Rosanne Barr proportions, you haven’t covered the meeting that has to happen. Imagine the aromas coming from the room where Simmons explains to Rove and Perry how he feels about throwing ten million dollars down the toilets known as their aspirations.