Tux Challenge Day 30: Penultimateness

This picture has nothing to do with this post, but I thought that you should see it.
This picture has nothing to do with this post, but I thought that you should see it.

Several folks on Twitter and in the comments on this blog have requested that I “finish strong” and “not go out with a whimper.” In other words, they want one last tuxedo stunt.

Listen, here’s your last stunt: the AC at my house is broken. Went kaput this morning. I just returned to work from my house, where I met my HVAC guy. He informed me that I need a new motor and blower drum. Well, actually, what I need is a new furnace and coil, but since I’d have to mow about 40 lawns to pay for that, we’re just going with the motor and blower drum. That can’t happen until tomorrow. So this evening I’ll be sitting around in an unairconditioned house, drinking Patron XO Cafe, wearing a tuxedo. Are you happy? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Damn jackals.

Two days ago, Zac posed a question. “How much money would it take,” he asked, “to keep you in a tuxedo till the end of the year?” Knowing that Zac is a man capable of making stuff happen, I had to give his query careful consideration. You know about my HVAC needs. Some extra cash would certainly come in handy. But four more months? I don’t think I have it in me. I mean, there’s a figure that would force me to try. Just call it $1 million. Obviously if a million bucks is on the table, I’m doing whatever it takes. But a figure in the realm of possibility? I don’t know. I would have a hard time turning down, say, $15,000.

Ultimately I told Zac I wasn’t interested. I’ve already planned my outfit for tomorrow. By rule, the tux can come off as soon as I can get to the Old Monk after work. There I will don shorts and the softest t-shirt I own. And, having totally destroyed the Great Tuxedo Challenge of 2012, I will accept the hearty congratulations of my friends and co-workers. That is, if I can make it through tonight.


  • that jeff

    I think today’s the day for the piggyback ride.

  • Jeffe

    I have a lot of dough that would take this to the end of year.

  • Congrats Tim, that has been a heck of a challenge you are on the verge of completing. If I were you, I wouldn ‘t even entertain the next Tux challenge until you air out this tux….by the way, i think I know that lady in the photo.

  • Wes Mantooth

    You know you wouldn’t turn down $4k in cold hard cash. Zac, hit the kickstarter!

    • @Wes Mantooth: I agree his price is lower than he claims, but not that low. Rest assured, I’m working on it.

  • oldest profession

    He’s already said he’d do it, now it’s just a matter of haggling over price…. much like a prostitute

  • Kk

    I have to point out that this was the chilliest August in Dallas in forever. Last year, now that would’ve been impressive.
    Speedo and mesh tank top for the month of December. We can get JR’s and Captain Morgan to sponsor.

  • Do it Tim!

    Start the bidding!
    This has been so fun to follow. I would like to see Tim at a TCU game in a tux, Octoberfest, Turkey Trot…the possibilities are endless!

  • Bad poet


    It’s August, in Dallas, and a tough time of year
    to be entertained, when the temperatures sear
    our brains to a point where we are amused
    at a man in a tux (to which he’s now fused).
    An endeavor that began as a casual challenge,
    with advertising, created the first human allonge
    For Patron Cafe and Al’s Tux. And did I see
    Tim on the morning news, on the TV?
    So now it’s almost over, the payout is near.
    But wait, an extension? Is that what I hear?
    Please Timmy, don’t do it, for you I insist
    a better negotiator – a contract specialist!
    For one thing, I fear there’s money on the table,
    like a Patron Drink Book. I think you’re able
    to write a few recipes down, then into a tome
    (royalties might pay for an air conditioned home).
    And one more thing your new deal must include
    (because you’re really much more of a dude
    that looks good in red, or blue, or even green)
    but purple’s not your color, someone must intervene.
    An agent that’s ruthless will ensure that you get
    cash for your efforts, for each little vignette
    of mowing, or fixing, or shooting about Big D
    while clad in a tux and sweating profusely.
    Think carefully before agreeing to anything Zac asks,
    And certainly don’t sign after sharing any flasks.
    Think first, that the next one to climb under the floor
    Could be Zac himself – you could even the score.

  • @Bad poet: Solid advice. Don’t worry. This thing comes off this afternoon. I’ll be in a t-shirt in about six hours.

  • Daniel

    I’ll bet you’d do it for 120 crisp C-notes.

  • Daniel

    P.S. It probably wouldn’t be that hard to get 120 FBvians to pledge $100 — maybe even throw it in a proverbial hat up front, refundable, of course, upon Tim’s documented failure.

    Hell, make it 110 FBvians. I’m sure the sight of 11 grand in cash would work a certain persuasive magic on Tim. Hot weather’s almost over. And, as others have noted, all of the unsolicited attention, which would be half the battle for less of a natural perfomer (and would be anathema to a retiring sort), seems to suit Tim just fine.

  • Christine Rogers

    I say the next turn at the challenge wheel is Zac’s. Who’s with me?

    • @Christine: Don’t make me rope him into another.

  • Daniel

    P.P.S. Grant him a four-day refractory period — a break, a breather — and I think we’d be in business. That’s short order to drum up donors, however.

  • Bad poet

    Tim, I did also want to point out the missing subject in the above post. The marital “we” as in “me and the Mrs.”, as in “we’d have a hard time turning down $XXXXX dollars”. You can leave unsaid the suffering you put your beloved through, but I’m sure next time she’s hoping the payout isn’t just a tux for you.

    Daily massage, at the least.

    On the other hand, there’s something very valuable in a spouse that will crawl under the house.

  • Daniel

    Everybody has their price, Zac.

    You would wear a giant fruit-bowl hat for fourteen (14) hours for $35.

    You would stomp on a giant tortoise’s head — a scenario fraught with dread and misgiving — for $60.

    You would wear a short skirt and patent-leather cowboy boots to the Mesquite Rodeo for $125.

    You would don an overcoat fashioned entirely of broccoli and slathered with bleu cheese dressing for the entire month of October for $750.

    Anyway, these are the prices I’m offering.

  • Duane

    @Zac Crain…Exile @Tim Rogers to Milwaukee in January and put him in swim trunks/tank top for a month. I’m thinking Polar Bear swim, shoveling a driveway and maybe a trip to Lambeau to watch some playoff football. Gloves and hat are always legal. Scarves are not. He may wear a cheesehead hat to Lambeau. I’ve got a $5 contribution to his one-way plane ticket.

  • kk

    @Duane, if we’re making him travel then let’s do the Ititarod.