Several folks on Twitter and in the comments on this blog have requested that I “finish strong” and “not go out with a whimper.” In other words, they want one last tuxedo stunt.
Listen, here’s your last stunt: the AC at my house is broken. Went kaput this morning. I just returned to work from my house, where I met my HVAC guy. He informed me that I need a new motor and blower drum. Well, actually, what I need is a new furnace and coil, but since I’d have to mow about 40 lawns to pay for that, we’re just going with the motor and blower drum. That can’t happen until tomorrow. So this evening I’ll be sitting around in an unairconditioned house, drinking Patron XO Cafe, wearing a tuxedo. Are you happy? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Damn jackals.
Two days ago, Zac posed a question. “How much money would it take,” he asked, “to keep you in a tuxedo till the end of the year?” Knowing that Zac is a man capable of making stuff happen, I had to give his query careful consideration. You know about my HVAC needs. Some extra cash would certainly come in handy. But four more months? I don’t think I have it in me. I mean, there’s a figure that would force me to try. Just call it $1 million. Obviously if a million bucks is on the table, I’m doing whatever it takes. But a figure in the realm of possibility? I don’t know. I would have a hard time turning down, say, $15,000.
Ultimately I told Zac I wasn’t interested. I’ve already planned my outfit for tomorrow. By rule, the tux can come off as soon as I can get to the Old Monk after work. There I will don shorts and the softest t-shirt I own. And, having totally destroyed the Great Tuxedo Challenge of 2012, I will accept the hearty congratulations of my friends and co-workers. That is, if I can make it through tonight.