Tux Challenge Day 3: A New Word for the Urban Dictionary

Zac (left) wore shorts today. I (right) will find a way to make him pay.
Zac (left) wore shorts today. I (right) will find a way to make him pay.

Yesterday I discovered a new phenomenon. Or at least I named it.

For roughly 12 hours straight, I’d been suited up in my black Joseph Abboud tuxedo, feeling like I was running a low-grade fever. My house, as I’ve mentioned, doesn’t get as cool as my wife would like it to, so by the time I’d arrived home from work and helped prepare dinner and shuttled the sprinklers around the backyard in an effort to keep everything from turning brown, I was good and ready to shed the formal wear by 8:45, the appointed time at which I am allowed to go casual. Also, I was sweating. Not a dripping sweat. Just the kind of persistent, irritating perspiration that creates a moist sheen under one’s Hanes.

I was in the bedroom, disrobing, when my son called from the living room, “Dad! You gotta come watch this!” Nelly Cruz had just hit a solo home run in the fourth inning to tie up the game at 7 against the Angels. I was unbuttoning my dress shirt as I entered the room to watch the replay. I stepped into a stream of cold air pouring out of an AC vent mounted high on a wall. The zephyr hit my damp undershirt just as Cruz cranked his long ball over the wall. And at that point — right then — my flesh tingled and a shudder of sweet release shot through my body.

That, friends, is something I call a tuxedogasm.

Actually, I called it a “tuxedorgasm” on Twitter, and Zac suggested I drop the “r.” Zac is a wise man — and not just because he wore shorts today to work. I immediately bought the URL for tuxedogasm.com. My team of Indian programmers is right now updating the site and adding new content. I invite you to visit tuxedogasm.com with one warning: you might just find yourself wiling away many hours there when you ought to be working. It is, as they say, very sticky.


  • towski

    Seriously. This is the kind of shit you do at work all day? I’m so jealous.

    Also – I have similar feelings for the first insertion of a Q-Tip into one’s ear immediately following a shower.

    • @towski: The kind of shit we do all day at work? You mean like change the course of the English language? If we make it look easy, it ain’t.

  • Avid Reader

    Boggles my mind that you guys/girls even have time to put out a magazine with all the world problem solving that goes on here at Frontburner, let alone what we don’t hear about.

  • Avid Reader

    Also, where is the link on tuxedogasm to donate to both keep the tux wearing longer than 30 days and get a second ac unit installed?

  • RAB

    I didn’t realize Zac was taller than you. So he’s got the hair, the better naming instincts — and the height. And the shorts in August. Bummer on so many levels.

    • @RAB: I’ve got a quicker first step, a better vertical, and my beard isn’t gray.

  • Joy

    Tim + tuxedogasm = TMI

  • @RAB, Tim Rogers: I’ve got better court awareness, and I’m handsome.

    @Avid Reader: If we let you in on even a quarter of the world problem solving that happens that we don’t put up here, you wouldn’t be able to process it. It’s like God’s voice.

  • John M

    After reading your post yesterday when I got home I realized I don’t enjoy the little joys in life as much as I should so I turned my air conditioner down to 65, put on a sweater and threw another blanket on this bed. It was a wonderful night.

  • Bizarro Big Tex

    Thanks for the photo of Zac in his natural state. That reminds me that I need to tell my slacker brother-in-law to move out or start paying rent. Slacker. My brother-in-law, not Zac. I think.

  • jackie dale pinson

    That is a very cute pic if I do say so myself.

  • Spartacus