An Interview With A Local Mosquito

This morning, we caught up with a local mosquito. He agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity. Transcript follows.

D Magazine: So, crazy couple of days, huh?

Mosquito: Man, I don’t think “crazy” even covers it. I’d just gotten back from Cabo and then, you know, the mayor basically declared war on us. It was pretty terrifying. I mean, cities using Duet on us is like a ghost story parents tell their kids to keep them in line. Most of us pretty much thought it was a myth, you know? Or something only our grandparents had to deal with, like powdered blood and rotary phones. Speaking of which, I was on the phone with my mother for, like, four hours last night.

D Magazine: Yeah, I bet. Is she here?

Mosquito: Oh, no, she’s back in Wisconsin. That’s where I grew up.

D Magazine: Really? I mean, I don’t hear an accent.

Mosquito: Thanks, took me a long time to drop it. Now I kind of wish I still had it, you know?

D Magazine: Oh, for sure. I mean, when you don’t have an accent it’s like you’re from nowhere.

Mosquito: Exactly. Exactly.

D Magazine: OK, so walk me through last night.

Mosquito: Well, I met some friends after work for a drink. There’s a great backyard pool over off Greenville, and the kid who lives there has a lot of friends, and the parents are real natural types. The bug spray they use might as well be water vapor. It’s sort of gross tasting, but I don’t think it could kill a gnat. Anyway, so we were there for a couple of hours and then we went over to my friend Mark’s. He lives over near Oak Lawn. He was having an Aerial Spraying Party — you know, like an end of the world party? It got pretty crazy. I would imagine there are a few people who were probably not thrilled the world didn’t end last night. [Laughs.]

D Magazine: [Laughs.]

Mosquito: But, like I said, I was basically on the phone with my mother the entire time, so I didn’t have too much fun. And then I went home. I guess I got lucky. I was worried, obviously. But besides for being pretty hungover this morning, I felt fine.

D Magazine: Does this change your opinion of living in Dallas? Are you going to stay?

Mosquito: [Long pause.] I … think so. I mean, I don’t know. On the one hand, this is home. All my friends are here. Work. Everything. On the other, yeah, it’s difficult living in a place where people openly despise you. It was bad before, but now this West Nile thing — forget about it. You show up in a backyard, a backyard you’ve been going to forever, mind you, and the faces on the people there? It’s like the Angel of Death just showed up and wants to sell you Amway products. I’ve had warmer welcomes at blood banks. So, I don’t know. I’ll probably stay, but we’ll see what happens.

D Magazine: OK, good talking to you, man.

Mosquito: Ah, no problem. Hey, what’s up with your boss wearing that tuxedo?


  • MCPTexas

    Can’t help but think this would be much better Dickie Goodman-style:

  • JB

    Can we just own this thing and call it South Red Virus, Centro Trinity Virus or something? At least West Mississippi would make more sense. I just don’t see how a mosquito can make the flight from Egypt all the way over to Turtle Creek.

  • TLS

    TLS: [Laughs.]

  • Alice F.

    Love! 🙂

  • Lol, this is great!

  • Chelsea

    Umm, this is amazing. THANK YOU for making my day. “Besides being pretty hungover this morning, I felt fine”. HA, genius.