A Counterfactual History: Rick Perry Speaks At the Republican National Convention

(Toby Keith’s “I Like Girls That Drink Beer” plays in the background) “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! What is UP, Tampa?! WHOOOOOOO!”

“Haha, ha — good to see you crazy sum bees again! Dang. Haha. Been too long. Herman! HERMAN. Can’t believe you’re here. Did we tear it up last night or what?”

“Hermie and I were talking last night, and you know what he told me? He said that if ol’ Oh-Bum-Ugh, heh heh, was elected again, that goat roper was gonna outlaw pizza!”

“Can you believe that bullsh?”

“I know. I KNOW.” (loud whistle) “So check this out. Big Herm and I stopped by a Godfather’s last night and rustled this bad boy up.”

“BOOM.”

“WE BUILT THAT! ME AND BIG DADDY CAIN! HANDMADE THE DOUGH AND EVERYTHING! JUST LIKE THIS!”

“ANYWAY. Where was I?” (mumbles inaudibly) “Shout-out to HC, pizza talk…”

"Oh, right. Right! I was going to tell you guys the story of the night I called ol' Big Love over there and told him I was dropping out of the race because I was already president of Texas and didn't think I could do both jobs."

“Oh, right. Right! I was going to tell you guys the story of the night I texted ol’ Big Love over there and told him I was dropping out of the race because I was already president of Texas and didn’t think I could do both jobs.”

"I have Mittens' text back right here. It's mostly emojis of cats, obviously, but at the end is says, 'Thanks so much, there's no way I could have won with you still in the race, and also your hair is awesome, and your wife is prettier than mine, and you're cool.' Says it right here."

“I have Mittens’ text back right here. It’s mostly emojis of cats, obviously, but at the end it says, ‘Thanks so much, there’s no way I could have won with you still in the race, and also your hair is awesome, and your wife is prettier than mine, and you’re cool.’ Says it right here.”

“I almost felt sorry for him. ALMOST.”

“Hey, hey, hey. I said ALMOST. Ol’ Ricky P’s no softie.”

“Anywho, let’s talk about how I personally hunted down and killed Osama bin Laden. Me and a couple dove-hunting buddies were–“

“Jesus, Rick, knock it off. You’re up here telling one lie after another.”

“Better stop crowding me, Ronnie. They told me, ‘Say whatever you want. We don’t care.’ You feel me? Now go back over there and keep being an extremely distant second.”