Here’s What I Meant To Say at the National Magazine Awards

Yeah, so last night I won a National Magazine Award. My acceptance speech went a little off the rails. I honestly cannot remember exactly what I said. Not because I was drunk. Just because it’s not every day that Brian Williams hands you a goofy-looking trophy and then expects you to make remarks in front of Graydon Carter’s hair. I was a little overwhelmed. So, for the record, here’s the speech I wrote on my phone on the flight out to New York:

If you ask any guy who writes, especially a guy who tries to write funny, if he’s honest, he’ll tell you he does it to get laid. Make a girl laugh, and you’re halfway there.

In 1996, I proposed in print to a girl named Christine Penote. It was a pretty funny proposal. Anyway, it worked. We’ve been married coming up on 16 years. The beautiful Mrs. Rogers is here tonight.

But 16 years of marriage means she no longer reads my stuff. Kids, busy jobs, Facebook. Whatever. She’s got good excuses. That’s how it goes. So I knew that to get her attention I’d have to do something big. Grand.

With this award, and probably a fair amount of red wine, I just might get lucky tonight.


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  • Eric

    Yeah, good thing you didn’t go with that speech because that was funny in , like, 10th grade, and, oh wait…….

  • Me!

    Congratulations! I hope thinks worked out as planned last night.

  • JS

    And …..?

  • What a coincidence! Last night, I made love to Graydon Carter’s hair.

  • DGirl

    You’re not that tall. Why would they call you tall?

    Congratulations, Timmy. You’re one of a kind!

  • RAB

    Dear Tim:

    Sincere and heartfelt congratulations! You’ve made your friends and admirers very proud.


  • @DGirl: A National Magazine Award adds 4 inches.

  • mommy dearest

    His mom and his kids are still jumping up and down! He’s our hero! As is his beautiful wife for putting up with it all. Wahoo!

  • RayRay

    Could have happened to a nicer guy.

  • @RayRay: Yes, it could have. But it happened to Tim. Congratulations, Mr. Rogers.

  • Liz Landry

    Congrats, Tim! Well deserved and super kudos for beating out the other top-notch mags. Plus, funny and heartfelt speeches are always better than dry reads and I’m pretty sure if I had been near Brian Williams I would have just been a puddle of jelly. I *super* love him.

  • Joan Penote

    Dave Barry…..Who’s he? Tim Rogers is the funny guy we know and love! (And, apparently, he writes pretty well, too!) Hearty congrats, Tim. Ps. I don’t really need to know about the rest of the night!

  • @Joan Penote: Get off this blog now. I can’t be silly and sophomoric here if I know my mother-in-law is reading. Seriously.

  • Dr. Bob

    Is my signed Mr. Funny Guy book now worth something? Congratulations.

  • Jake Roberts

    No worries, that’s actually exactly what you said.

  • Gary Rogers

    So, I’m trolling google at 7:30 this morning to find out what went down in NY. The headline of came up with something about an award for ‘best disruptor of decorum’ followed by ‘a lucky guy from Dallas.’ My first thought was that Tim had won (as predicted), then became intoxicated, took off his cloths and danced on a table. Actually, that was my second thought, too.

  • Wow, I think somewhere I have a picture of Tim and me at some D function. I’ll have to put it up on my facebook page because that’s the only way anyone would believe it.

    Congratulations Tim, I love the acceptance speech, one man who married up to another.