Here’s What I Meant To Say at the National Magazine Awards

Yeah, so last night I won a National Magazine Award. My acceptance speech went a little off the rails. I honestly cannot remember exactly what I said. Not because I was drunk. Just because it’s not every day that Brian Williams hands you a goofy-looking trophy and then expects you to make remarks in front of Graydon Carter’s hair. I was a little overwhelmed. So, for the record, here’s the speech I wrote on my phone on the flight out to New York:

If you ask any guy who writes, especially a guy who tries to write funny, if he’s honest, he’ll tell you he does it to get laid. Make a girl laugh, and you’re halfway there.

In 1996, I proposed in print to a girl named Christine Penote. It was a pretty funny proposal. Anyway, it worked. We’ve been married coming up on 16 years. The beautiful Mrs. Rogers is here tonight.

But 16 years of marriage means she no longer reads my stuff. Kids, busy jobs, Facebook. Whatever. She’s got good excuses. That’s how it goes. So I knew that to get her attention I’d have to do something big. Grand.

With this award, and probably a fair amount of red wine, I just might get lucky tonight.