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Business

Why Mark Cuban is Dominating the Shark Tank, Needs to Invest $25,000 in Me

By Jason Heid |
It's good to be Mark Cuban.

I’m a fan of the ABC show Shark Tank, in which entrepreneurs ask for investments from a group of venture capitalists (the “Sharks.”)  Some of the business ideas are great (like the “Netflix for kids’ toys”) but others seem to be ideas that the producers only allowed to get on the air because they’re so laughable.

During the second season Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban made several appearances, and in this current season he’s become a regular. At first I found him to be a nice addition, but his celebrity power – he’s by far the most famous of the “Sharks” – is killing the game of it.  Entrepreneurs seem to get weak-kneed when they see Cuban, and they’re willing to accept lesser deals from him (rather than a better deal from another Shark) just for the chance to continue to bask in the glow of his star power. The playing field is tilted in his favor.

Also, on last week’s show, he invested in a website where a guy will draw a cat for you for $10.  The idea was worth a good laugh on TV, but I thought surely the Sharks would say thanks-but-no-thanks.  Cuban put $25,000 into this “business.” He said he was investing more in the guy himself than in the cat-drawing enterprise.

And because of Cuban’s star power?  TMZ says the cat-drawing website has gotten over a thousand orders in a few days, when it had been averaging fewer than 40 in a week.  Cuban tells TMZ he is “fired up.”  Basically he thinks he’s found himself the next Cosmo Kramer.

Mr. Cuban, I will sell you 33% of any of the following ideas in exchange for $25,000:

1) “I Will Draw You a Rabbit.” – Cats are over. Rabbits are the future.

2) FurryBook – Social networking site for the “Furry” community.

3) ToastFlex (Netflix For Toasters) – If you’re like me, you get tired of using the same toaster every day. But who can afford to keep up by constantly buying the latest bread-roasting technology?

4) Gaggle –  A search engine specifically geared towards all your goose-related searches. Just type any phrase in the Gaggle box, and it will automatically append the words “goose,” “geese,” or “gander” onto your query. It may seem as though it saves only seconds off your typical search, but, over the course of a lifetime, our calculations show that those seconds will total nearly three full years of life for the average person.  (Note: Study results assume the average person is a goose or poultry fetishist.)

5) How to Improve the NBA –  Everyone knows you don’t have to watch anything more than the last few minutes of a typical professional basketball game. Few contests are decided before that point, and those that are are dull blowouts. Plus, no one likes to watch teams dragging out the last minute of play by intentionally fouling on the off-chance that turning it into a free-throw contest will turn the tide. The solution? Simple: The end of NBA games should no longer be determined by the clock. The first team to 90 points wins, period. Or 95. Or 85. Or whatever. You can work out the details.  I’m just the idea man.

Watch Cuban continue to big-foot around the Shark Tank when the show airs at 7 p.m. tonight.

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