As I’ve mentioned before, I watched exactly one quarter of football this season. I’ve had some TV issues, but mostly I just don’t care. I like NBA basketball, Premier League soccer, Texas Rangers playoff baseball, the RW/RR Challenge, and that’s about it for sports. But, I do have an answer: YES. I also have a list of potential replacements.
Jerry Jones. Obvious, yes, but also exceedingly awesome. I imagine he’d show up — for games, even — in old-school coaching shorts and a whistle. The play-calling would be insane, and he probably couldn’t do any worse than he has running the team. Also, his post-game speeches would likely, if possible, be even better. Something like: “This team is coming together as, and you have to remember, vis a vis the draft and free agency, we would like to with the and, as you know, the quarterback position, and this is important, we have to run so.”
Goldie Hawn from Wildcats. Who better to whip a rag-tag band of misfits and layabouts into shape? That’s rhetorical. No one. Also, the potential for team building rap songs goes through the roof, and I’m sure there is a former standout QB/current petty criminal who could be convinced to lead this team to glory.
Rob Ryan. The team would be awful but entertaining, and the stress might cause early labor. They’d never make the playoffs, but ESPN would never stop talking about them, and that’s pretty much all Jerry cares about anyway.
Jimmy Johnson, except he never actually comes to town and pilots the team from the driver’s seat of a cigarette boat speeding around the coast of Florida. Never mind. THIS is the best — and, really, only logical — choice.
My son, Isaac, but he thinks he’s playing Madden on my iPad. Surprisingly enough, he is a big fan of the run game. But no, there will be no punts and the kicking game as a whole would be — let’s say, “erratic.” And I’d have to watch anytime they run a good play, so I’m not crazy interested in this one. Half the time he accidentally clicks away from the replay so I have to stop doing something to watch nothing.
Player-coach Miles Austin. He’s on the sideline most of the time anyway, so it’s not like it’s cutting into his schedule. (NAILED IT!)
Jason Garrett, but with a goatee, eye patch, and the new name (and persona — Jason’s long-lost, thought-to-be-dead twin) “Switchblade” Garrett. Again, they’d still be terrible, but I’d like to see how long he and the media can keep up the charade (pronounced with two soft A’s).
A Gene Hackman speech from a Gene Hackman sports movie. Basically, in this set up, the coordinators and coaches would do all the work, and then before games they’d play, I don’t know, the last locker room speech from Hoosiers or something from The Replacements or whatever. I feel strongly this would work.
Joe Clark from Lean on Me. First, he’d kick Tony Romo off the team. Then he’d make everyone learn the team song. Then he’d kick Dez Bryant off the team. Then he’d randomly replace one of the coordinators, just as a power move. Also: he’d refer to himself as “the HNIC” and make all the white beat writers really uncomfortable and probably lead to an infinite amount of solid Norm Hitzges drops on The Ticket.
Coach Eric Taylor. I may or may not have plowed through all five seasons of Friday Night Lights over the break, and I, for one, would love to see every game decided on a long, seemingly impossible pass play in the final 20 seconds.
An actual coach. BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRINNNG.