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Rick Perry On the Road to New Hampshire

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Wednesday

"Me and Chuck are road-tripping out to Florida. Mr. Herman Cain told me he'd set me up with a job delivering pizzas. And let me tell you, once Chuck and I get to Florida, it is gonna be ON."
"Me and Chuck are road-tripping out to Florida. Mr. Herman Cain told me he'd set me up with a job delivering pizzas. And let me tell you, once Chuck and I get to Florida, it is gonna be ON."
"ADIOS, MOFOS."
"ADIOS, MOFOS."

Thursday

(Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup" is blaring from the stereo)
(Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup" is blaring from the stereo)
"RED SOLO CUP I FILL YOU UP!"
"RED SOLO CUP I FILL YOU UP!"
"LET'S HAVE A PARTY! LET'S HAVE A PARTY!"
"LET'S HAVE A PARTY! LET'S HAVE A PARTY!"
"I LOVE YOU RED SOLO CUP! I LIFT YOU UP!"
"I LOVE YOU RED SOLO CUP! I LIFT YOU UP!"
"PROCEED TO PARTY! PROCEED TO PARTY!"
"PROCEED TO PARTY! PROCEED TO PARTY!"
(Chuck turns down stereo) "Say, Ricky -- I've been thinking."
(Chuck turns down stereo) "Say, Ricky -- I've been thinking."
"Oh, well, this oughta be good, coming from Mr. No, You Don't Have to Write It Down I Promise You Won't Look Like a Jackass at the Debate Just Stay Up With Me Drinking Chardonnay and Watching Old Walker, Texas Rangers All Night."
"Oh, well, this oughta be good, coming from Mr. No, You Don't Have to Write It Down I Promise You Won't Look Like a Jackass at the Debate Just Stay Up With Me Drinking Chardonnay and Watching Old Walker, Texas Rangers All Night."
"..."
"..."
(Van continues in silence for a few minutes)
(Van continues in silence for a few minutes)
"Jesus Christ Canker Sore. Either turn the stereo back up or spit it out, Chop Socky. I only have room for one GD sulker in my camp, and Anita won't let me fire Griff."
"Jesus Christ Canker Sore. Either turn the stereo back up or spit it out, Chop Socky. I only have room for one GD sulker in my camp, and Anita won't let me fire Griff."
" I just thought maybe we shouldn't quit the campaign yet. Maybe we roll on up to New Hampshire and see what happens."
" I just thought maybe we shouldn't quit the campaign yet. Maybe we roll on up to New Hampshire and see what happens."
"Ah, hell. You're probably right. But I mean, that pizza delivery gig Herman offered sounds pretty sweet. Free pizza and we don't have to work before 5. It's like my daddy always said: Bird in the hand."
"Ah, hell. You're probably right. But I mean, that pizza delivery gig Herman offered sounds pretty sweet. Free pizza and we don't have to work before 5. It's like my daddy always said: Bird in the hand."
"Well, yeah, I know -- that is the dream. But don't you think that will still be there when we're done? We came in fifth in Iowa, and we're, like, one chili dog from Newt pricing balloons for his arteries. THEN WE'RE FOURTH!"
"Well, yeah, I know -- that is the dream. But don't you think that will still be there when we're done? We came in fifth in Iowa, and we're, like, one chili dog from Newt pricing balloons for his arteries. THEN WE'RE FOURTH!"
"..."
"..."
"Ah, screw it. You're right. CHARD ME, CHUCK NORRIS."
"Ah, screw it. You're right. CHARD ME, CHUCK NORRIS. And get me Joe Arpaio on the horn. We gots plans to make!"
(cranks stereo back up) "Red solo cup, you're not just a cup! You're my, you're my friend! Thank you for being my friend!"
(cranks stereo back up) "Red solo cup, you're not just a cup! You're my, you're my friend! Thank you for being my friend!"
The Fake Rick Perry

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