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Natural Disasters

An Important Announcement From Rick Perry

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"Governor Perry, sources are saying that--"
“Governor Perry, sources are saying that you are–“
"Hey, hey -- hold up for a sec. I'll take y'all's questions in a minute. I got an announcement to make. Chuck and I worked it out on the van ride over and I don't want to lose my place."
“Hey, hey — hold up for a sec. I’ll take y’all’s questions in a minute. I got an announcement to make. Chuck and I worked it out on the van ride over and I don’t want to lose my place.”
"Let's see here." (mumbles inaudibly)
“Let’s see here.” (mumbles inaudibly)
(long sigh)
(long sigh)
"Well, that wasn't my actual speech. I don't remember writing down all the lyrics to 'Friends In Low Places,' but I guess I did. Ah, hell, I'll wing it."
“Well, that wasn’t my actual speech. I don’t remember writing down all the lyrics to ‘Friends In Low Places,’ but I guess I did. Ah, hell, I’ll wing it.”
" ... "
” … “
"Honestly, boys, I feel a little dumb."
“Honestly, boys, I feel a little dumb.”
"Because you folded like a pair of pants in all the debates?"
“Because you folded like a pair of pants in all the debates?”
"Because of the commercials?"
“Because of the commercials?”
"Jesus Chrysler 300, guys. Think you can zip up and let me finish? I'm trying to make a GD speech -- without any notes, thank you Griff -- and you boys keep stepping on my spurs."
“Jesus Chrysler 300, guys. Think you can zip up and let me finish? I’m trying to make a GD speech — without any notes, thank you Griff — and you boys keep stepping on my spurs.”
"ANYWAY, I was flipping through a copy of Field & Stream last night, just getting ready for the debate, when it hit me."
“ANYWAY, I was flipping through a copy of Field & Stream last night, just getting ready for the debate, when it hit me.”
"Rick, why are you wasting your GD running for president of America? YOU'RE ALREADY PRESIDENT OF TEXAS!"
“Rick, why are you wasting your GD time running for president of America? YOU’RE ALREADY PRESIDENT OF TEXAS!”
(stares ahead for 45 seconds) (mutters quietly) "Holy s---."
(stares ahead for 45 seconds) (mutters quietly) “Holy s—. He’s really doing it.”
"BOOM. What now, America?"
“BOOM. What now, America?”
"That's right. As of in a few minutes, by executive order of President Rick Perry, Texas is seceding from the Union--"
“That’s right. As of in a few minutes, by executive order of President Rick Perry, Texas is seceding from the Union–“
"No one has called it that in at least 100 years."
“No one has called it that in at least 100 years.”
"--and officially becoming its own country. Our mascot is going to be the Cougars, and our fight song is Toby Keith's 'I Love This Bar.' "
“–and officially becoming its own country. Our mascot is going to be the Cougars, and our fight song is Toby Keith’s ‘I Love This Bar.’ “
"But Rick, I was going to get to be a senator."
“But Rick, I was going to get to be a senator.”
"Don't crowd me, Dave. We'll make you the ambassador to America or something."
“Don’t crowd me, Dave. We’ll make you the ambassador to America or something.”
" ... "
” … “
"So if you boys don't mind, I'm gonna skip the questions and just make this all official like. I got an inauguration ball to get to."
“So if you boys don’t mind, I’m gonna skip the questions and just make this all official like. I got an inauguration ball to get to.”
"Let's get on out of here, Griff. That Chard is probably sweating something fierce. Chuck, you ready?"
“Let’s get on out of here, Griff. That Chard is probably sweating something fierce. Chuck, you ready?”
"You know it, boss."
“You know it, boss.”
"Adios, mofos."
“Adios, mofos.”

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FIN.

The Fake Rick Perry

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