If You’re Reading This, Then Timbo, the Dallas Zoo’s Oldest Gorilla, Is Dead

She is, at the advanced age (for a gorilla) of 49. Cue this, then jump.

Just got back from the law offices of Charles “Bananas” Foster, legal representative of all Dallas Zoo-based gorillas and executor of Timbo’s last will and testament. An official reading won’t happen for a few days, but I did get a chance to see a video Timbo made just before going into the hospital for follow-up to cataract surgery, just in case she didn’t make it; she didn’t. Here is what she said.

It was different after Jabari died. Of course it was. How could it not be? Listen, I’m not condoning what he did, but Jesus, Jabari was just a kid. Just a f—ing kid. He made a mistake and he hurt people, but no one died. No one died! It wasn’t like that ocelot thing that just magically disappeared after Rich called T. Boone. What? Yes, Dave, I know we aren’t supposed to talk about that. What are they going to do to me? What? Really? Oh, grow up, Dave. If they were going to do anything to me they would have already done it by now, back when they tried to send Jenny to that Mexican s—hole. That place might as well have been called Camp Let’s Starve a Witness to Death. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, Jabari, right. Yeah, it was different after he died. We couldn’t get as close to the people anymore. Hell, we didn’t want to. They’d turned their backs on us, letting us take all the blame, calling us “it” — like we were boats or plants or zebras. [Laughs.] Oh, come back, Dave. I’m just f—ing with you. You know I like Cheryl. OK, OK, hold the camera still. Just want to get this out. Dave. Seriously. OK, OK. Despite all that, I’m going to miss this pla — [Laughs.] Almost made it all the way through. Bury me face down, a–holes.

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*Before you get all cranky downstairs in the comments, 1) I love animals and 2) I really love the gorillas at the Zoo and always have. It’s a sad day. Mostly I’m still mad about Jabari.

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