Tuesday Hypothetical: Save Our Summer

You are approached by a man — for expediency and clarity, I shall hereafter refer to this man as LaMetrius — who says that he can promise you that the temperature outside will never be greater than 75 degrees and will never be lower than 42. LaMetrius further stipulates that there will only be a few scattered (but mostly unobtrusive) clouds, and the humidity will similarly be negligible. Plus, LaMetrius says, there will always be a light breeze.

Of course, LaMetrius smiles, there are some conditions. Three conditions.

  • Once a day, you have to listen to Santana’s 2010 album Guitar Heaven in its entirety. You must do this between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. with a minimum of 10 people in the vicinity. You cannot use headphones. You must play air guitar to no fewer than five of the tracks in full, and every guitar solo.
  • Twice a week, to keep the meteorological conditions as they are, you have to press a button. The location of the button changes, but to get to it, you have to drive on at least two of the major highways, and the button can only be pushed between 4 and 6 p.m.
  • Once a month, without warning, you will be taken from wherever you are and whatever you are doing, and placed in a small broom closet. It is big enough for two people. You and State Rep. Leo Berman. For an hour, you have to talk politics. Sub-conditions: You have to be honest, and he is allowed, and encouraged, to use a megaphone.

Do you do accept LaMetrius’ offer?

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