After perusing our list of the Things Every Dallasite Must Do, I realized that I’ve accomplished maybe five. I’m still young, but getting no younger, so I figured I ought to start on number six: Calling in to KERA’s weekly Anything You Ever Wanted to Know.
No matter how hard I’ve tried over the years, I’ve always been a terrible prankster. Seriously, every prank I can ever remember doing has either failed or fizzled. A few real-life examples: As a kid, I ding-dong ditched my own family. I once tried to toilet paper a friend’s house with a lone roll of single-ply. The only crank call I ever attempted occurred in the early days of caller ID. It ended with my “victim” calling back and yelling at me.
So I had doubts that I’d be able to ask Jeff Whittington, host of Anything You Ever Wanted to Know, the significance of the big red “D” on the side of that building downtown at the corner of St. Paul and Ross without making it painfully obvious as to how hilarious I thought I was being (In case you don’t know, the big red “D” is for D Magazine).
Now, I fully admit that this might be the most innocuous, boring prank ever conceived, but there were two reasons I had to follow through with it.
Reason 1: D Magazine will never pass up a chance for free publicity.
Reason 2: I had nothing else.
Take the jump to find out what happened (plus hear the audio yourself.)
If you’ve never listened to Anything, here’s how it works: On Fridays from noon to 1, people call, e-mail, or write in questions about any topic – from sun spots to podcasts to carpet stains – and Jeff will either answer himself or, more likely, throw the questions to his listeners.
With that in mind, Reason 2 might sound a bit sad, considering a caller can literally ask anything within the bounds of decency. But somehow that made it harder for me. Coming up with a good question was sort of like going to see a mall Santa as a kid. The thought of being able to ask him for anything in the world got me so flustered, my brain overheated and stopped functioning properly. The same principle is at work here.
So I resigned myself to the fact that I could only muster a single question – at which point, naturally, I stumbled across a second one. I was flying to Phoenix that afternoon, noticed that the departing flight (west) would take longer than the return flight (east), and had absolutely no idea why. Brilliant!
So at approximately 12:02 pm, I traipsed over to a conference room here at D HQ, slid the glass door shut, and slumped down in a chair. All I had was a digital recorder and a Post-it note, on which I had scribbled both my questions, lest I blank on live radio.
I dialed. A friendly female voice answered.
“Thanks for calling Anything. Can I get your first name?”
Ryan, I told her.
“And where are you calling from?”
Uhh, Dallas.
“And did you have a question, or an answer?”
Actually, two questions, if that’s all right.
I ran her through both of my queries. She told me I could only ask one, but that it was up to me to follow her instructions once she put me through. Clearly, she could tell that I was the type of guy who would do as I pleased once I got on air. Curse. Berate the host. Ask two questions.
With my chest puffed up a bit, I waited on hold and listened to a couple of NPR news stories, then Nilufer Arsala announcing the local weather, then Jeff kicking off the show with a few e-mail questions. Kim in Lewisville wanted to know where to find chrome sheet metal. Roger in Dallas was looking for someone to appraise his baseball card collection. Nicki the grad student wanted tips on conquering procrastination.
As I started to settle into a lull, there was a jolt of static that cleared just in time to hear Jeff say my name.
“… to Ryan in Dallas. Hello, Ryan.”
Somewhat to my surprise, I didn’t freeze. I posed my joke question about the sign. Jeff recognized the source of my confusion immediately. He told me it was the logo of D Magazine, and he even elaborated amiably that the company occupies the 21st floor.
Aaaaand *fizzle*. Though, truthfully, it was still the most successful prank of my admittedly uncelebrated career, especially considering I got both the host of the show and the editor of D to believe I was sincere.
I moved on to my second question (I make my own rules, call screener) about airplanes. Jeff gave a partial answer that had something to do with jet streams, then assured me that some knowledgeable listener would clarify and thanked me for calling.
So I hung up and listened to the rest of the show. True to Jeff’s prediction, a few callers rang in later, each with a slightly different version of why it was that planes made better time when traveling east. The consensus? I still don’t really know. Something to do with the atmosphere and the earth’s rotation and, sure enough, jet streams.
All told, my call took about seven minutes, which was probably enough time for me to Google my first question, make a sandwich, eat said sandwich, Google my second question, and then stare at my watch for awhile. But I certainly didn’t feel like I had wasted my time. There was something oddly sincere about a show that, while a bit antiquated in its format, created something of a community in the span of an hour. It was cordial. It was helpful. It was fun. And most importantly, it helped me set a new personal best for pranking.
Got you so good, Whittington.
Remember that you can call in yourself to Anything at noon. We realize it’s April Fool’s Day, but please, don’t follow our example: no pranks. Â Here’s the audio:
