The now-former mayor of Dallas sat down with the Texas Tribune* for his first in-depth interview about his time as mayor and his senatorial campaign. It’s after the jump.
On leaving behind the city council, especially longtime thorn in his paw Angela Hunt:
“Good-bye, Angela, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it. Badly … She’s there now and we aren’t and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.”
On people who talk about him:
“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”
On Carolyn Davis’ farewell speech:
“I didn’t care for that … that was one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in almost a decade.”
On Carol Reed:
“I’m tired of being told ‘You can’t talk about that, you can’t talk about that.’ Bull S-*-*-T. There’s something this side of deplorable that she mistook this rock star for her own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it: I embarrassed her in front of her children and the world by healing at a pace that her unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Carol, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do her job. Clearly someone who believes she’s above the law.”
On his power:
“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time – and this includes naps – I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
On why he should be feared:
“There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”
On his potential duties as U.S. senator:
“Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”
On his post-politics plans:
“If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there’s nothing that can be questioned. People say, ‘Oh, you’d better work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no. I’m gonna hang on to them, and they’re gonna fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning.”
On his leadership style:
“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p***y.”
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* Obviously, and I feel weird even pointing this out, but none of this actually happened, as all these quotes are (with some trims and tweaks) from one of Charlie Sheen’s recent, infamous interviews. If you haven’t heard at least one of these quotes somewhere, I really don’t know what to say, other than please don’t go on some long monologue in the comments about the death of American culture and how you don’t have a TV and only go on the internet for your online book club. We’re all going to be okay if you let a little lowbrow in. ANYWAY, this is all here so you know it’s a parody. And maybe not even that funny of one because the news cycle is already, like, seven interviews beyond this one. But I felt like doing it. And, regardless, it’s just as ridiculous as the man who had the city buy a convention center hotel — AND BID AGAINST ITSELF IN THE PROCESS — trying to sell himself as a small government tea partying conservative during his senatorial campaign. That’s crazier than any of these quotes, or the idea that they came from him.
