As you may have heard, NFL owners formally locked out the players recently, as the two sides attempt to come up with a new collective bargaining agreement. It’s still early, but let’s take a quick look at the winners and losers so far.
Winner: Jerry Jones
As long as there is no football, his Cowboys are technically undefeated. You know what that is? FEATHER IN THE CAP. Okay, that was sort of an odd phrase to emphasize. But still. Undefeated! Kiss it, 1972 Miami Dolphins! Especially you, Mercury Morris! I really can’t stand that guy.
Loser: Jerry Jones
No football? Holy cow. You know how many times I get a debt collector calling me over some bill from AT&T that’s essentially nothing, that I’m just not paying because — I’m sorry. Long story. Anyway, it’s A LOT. Now imagine if my AT&T bill were, like, $400 million. Which means…
Loser: People in Arlington, especially in the Cowboys Stadium area
Cowboys games, U2 concerts, All-Star games — that’s one thing. But with an empty stadium to fill and debt not paying itself, you can bet Jones will get, let’s say, creative in keeping the money coming in. That means: boxing matches, exotic animal rodeos, glee club sing-offs, vintage car shows, swap meets, petting zoos, zebra races, cup stacking contests, little person strong man competitions. Anything. Going to be some odd crowds. I mean, have you seen who shows up for college football games? Guh. NO THANKS.
Winner: Shane Falco
If they decide to bring in replacement players — or “scabs,” if you prefer — they’re going to need a quarterback who is experienced in pulling together a rag-tag collection of teammates, including Roy from The Office, who is deaf for some reason. That person is Shane “Footsteps” Falco. So deal with it.
Loser: Johnny Utah
This former Ohio State QB blew his knee out chasing down the Dead President bank-robbing gang. So he’s going to miss his shot at glory again.
Loser: Keanu Reeves’ character in Speed
Has nothing to do with football and so I couldn’t work him into this post. So maybe that should read “winner.” Whatever.
Winner: Tony Romo
He’s getting married. That’s a big enough headache without worrying about football. But he probably could use the excuse to get out of some of the decisions. I mean, come on, Candace probably had her mind made up already about the cake before she even asked him which one he liked better, so that was a total bear trap, and let’s just change that to…
Loser: Tony Romo
Winner: Jason Witten
No football means more time to bro-ing out with Romo at Coldplay shows and wear their baseball caps backward, bro. Broseph. My bro-bation officer.
Losers: FrontBurner readers
No matter how you react to this, I’m probably going to keep doing it.