If This Blog, For Some Reason, Were a Formulaic Action Movie Directed by Tony Scott

JUMP! [in slow motion, then do an eagle roll, landing in perfect firing position]

Close up of a computer screen. On the screen is the homepage for The Dallas Front Burner, a weblog for Dallas, TX magazine. The camera holds the shot for 10 seconds, then …

EXPLOSION!

As the explosion slowly recedes into blackness, a title card appears:

BURNED

And then another:

Based on a true story

Credits roll as we follow GAGE MCCUTTERS getting ready for work. He is in his early 20s. Soundtrack comes from his iPod, which is playing a song he absolutely would never listen to, but is listening to and overenjoying here, because it’s on the soundtrack to the movie, and whatever. Product placement, songs rights, and so on. GAGE is getting ready for his first day on the job at Dallas, TX magazine.

Song ends with an absolutely screaming guitar solo and we smash cut to GAGE entering the Dallas, TX offices. There is a crazy amount of hustle and bustle. For some reason, there is the sound of a typewriter, even though it is about as archaic in an office like this as a telegraph machine. Everyone is on the phone at once. There seems to be, like, 50 arguments happening. Everyone is dressed like they slept in their church clothes.

GAGE spots his new boss, LARRY LAWRENCE, across the room. LARRY is in his early 40s, and has a mustache. GAGE walks over to introduce himself and sticks his hand out for a shake. LARRY hands him a laptop.

LARRY: You the new kid? Here. We’ve got a problem.

GAGE: Wha–

LARRY: It’s this blog post. The boss —

LARRY gestures to a corner. There is a man in a Panama Jack hat looking at his iPhone.

LARRY: — he wanted something new. So I put up this photo of one of our reporters, Mel Tilliserjones, wearing a French cuff shirt. Then the comments started. And now we can’t stop them.

GAGE: Why?

LARRY: Oh I didn’t know we hired an expert on blogs!

GAGE: Well, you ki —

LARRY: Leave that to me. Anyway, we can’t stop the comments. They are unstoppable. Literally unstoppable. Like the unstoppable train in that movie with Denzel Washington, which I think was called Unstoppable.

GAGE: So? Isn’t that what we want?

LARRY: If we get too many comments the internet will explode. Didn’t you hear me? It’s a picture of a man in a somewhat silly shirt! Our commenters have too many zingers about the man’s sexuality, as well as inside jokes that no one gets anymore! The internet is going to explode and take our site with it!!

GAGE: I don’t think that could actually hap —

LARRY: JUST DO IT!

GAGE: Fine. Here.

He unclicks the “Allow Comments” box on the blog’s administrator page.

GAGE: There that should do i — Oh no! Larry, we gotta get out of here.

GAGE and LARRY sprint away from the computer, in slow motion, then jump, in slow motion, landing in a pile in the newsroom. In super slow motion.

There is no explosion. Or anything really. The office stops for a moment, then goes back to normal. Typewriter sounds, arguments, etc.

GAGE: Sorry. I just saw a message in your e-mail inbox marked with a red exclamation point and I panicked.

LARRY: That’s okay, kid. Now let’s go to the Young Sinner and get a couple of soda pops.

They both exit. Song from before comes back on. Guitar solo is now, like, pretty much the only thing. And it sounds like Santana which is, guh, isn’t he just the worst? I mean, seriously — is there anyone that overrated? Anyway.

Roll end credits.

Newsletter

Get a weekly recap in your inbox every Sunday of our best stories from the week plus a primer for the days ahead.

Find It

Search our directories for...

Restaurants

Restaurants

Bars

Bars

Events

Events

Attractions

Attractions

View All

View All

Comments