Don’t Go Near the Majestic Theatre on November 10

I mean, you can and maybe you actually really want to, but I believe that it says somewhere in the Bible (or maybe it was my dream journal — in my defense, they are very similar) that when Sarah Palin, Governor Rick Perry, and Stephen Broden are all on stage at the same time, it can only mean one thing: the ground underneath the Majestic will crack open and then Phil Davison will usher us all into the deepest recesses of Hades. No?

Okay, fine, if you insist on going, here is what to expect:

Mayor Tom Leppert introduces Sarah Palin and leaves the stage. There is a two-minute pause as everyone waits for Leppert’s hands to get out of the way.

PALIN: Hell-oh, Daa-llas. Let me just get my speech ready on my ol’ teleprompter here. [Looks at hand.]

[Crowd shrieks like a room consisting solely of the offspring of banshees and wolves, all of whom are pretending to be 15-year-old girls at at a New Kids on the Block concert in 1988, and then laughs for 10 full minutes like the audience at an old taping of Def Comedy Jam.

This is followed by 20 minutes of lowest-common-denominator gibberish that is almost offensive to the idea of lowest-common-denominator gibberish. I suggest drinking every time she says something folksy.]

PALIN: something-something-hopey-changey-something-something THANK YOU!

[Crowd reenacts the climactic scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, when all of the Nazi troops — AND I AM NOT ACTUALLY CALLING THE CROWD NAZIS, THANK YOU, BUT YOU TRY FINDING ANOTHER MOVIE THAT ENDS WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE’S FACES MELTING OFF, SO SAVE IT — is exposed to the Ark of the Covenant and their faces melt off. They do this through the magic of smiling and laughter.]

Perry then blames the government for the room full of melted faces and immediately writes a sequel to Fed Up, titled Still Fed Up: This Time I’ve Had It Up to Here (and If You Can’t See the Book Cover, I, Of Course, Am Gesturing Comically To a Spot Well Over a Foot Above My Head).

Broden then decides to arm everyone against everyone, but since 99 percent of “everyone” is faceless, he decides to settles it via roshambo. He wins, with his scissors beating Perry’s paper, which beat Palin’s rock.

Or something to that effect. I warned you!

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