Last night, I drove up the tollway to Plano, reminding me that whenever I drive the tollway to Plano, I get irrationally angry at Plano.
Why was I going all the way to the Shops at Legacy, you ask? Because I was invited to the red carpet premier of a TV show called Inside Sports: News You Can ALMOST Trust. It’s produced by Mark McClure and Paula Wallem, and hosted by Survivor: Guatemala winner Danni Boatright.
Sigh. The location, Fox Sports Grill, was nice enough. The food was good. But lordy, the execution, and then the show itself? Well, I kept a diary. Â And whimpered.
Let’s start with the fact that other than someone making sure you were on the list, nobody really knew who anybody else was, leaving poor Jean-Jacques Taylor the only journalist recognized at the event. Â This was fine for me, though, because it meant I got to crowd watch. According to my notes, “When I think Fox Sports Grill, I think of formal wear, don’t you?” and “I see a mass infestation of Bumpits.”
And then there was the bio material. If you’re having an event in a darkened room, do not print half your bio page in red ink on a black background. And you might want to grammar and spell check that bad boy, too.
After some mingling, producer Mark McClure got up to greet the crowd. Only there was a microphone issue, so first we all heard, “Something something Jon Stewart.” Even after the microphone was fixed, people continued to talk, oblivious to the man screaming that what we would watch this evening would be like The Daily Show, but with sports.
“We will unveil the funniest sports show ever,” McClure promised as he wrapped up. Now, here’s where he went wrong. Or one the many places he went wrong. Bar – set too high. Now, if he had said, “I think this show is pretty funny,” I would’ve gone, “OK. I will believe you think this show is funny.” But ever? That’s a tall order, sir.
Back to my diary:
“Gary Stretch is here. I do not know who that is. But apparently he was in Alexander and World Trade Center. The movie, I think, and not the actual building.” Note: This is Gary Stretch.
“Well, now it’s a party. Jean-Jacques Taylor is here. I know who he is. Fact: JTT swaggers when he walks. It’s almost like watching Freddie ‘Boom Boom’ Washington. ”
“Oh, apparently writers from Conan O’Brien (why does my iPhone want to change that to Conniption O’Brien?) worked on this show. McClure just predicted it would win an Emmy.”
At this point, the show starts – on every screen in the room.
“Why is Danni Boatright maroon? There’s this bit about Dan Gilbert drunk dialing Lebron James. It’s quite possibly the least funny thing I’ve watched, and I saw Schindler’s List. The laughter was silent. Something about a rogues gallery of bad voicemailers weighing in – Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Alec Baldwin. Still not funny. Old Tiger Woods jokes. I do not understand why the Two Minute Drill is in front of Baby Dolls.
Nobody’s laughing. Almost everyone has gone back to their conversations. JJT is bored.
Bruce Swedeass? Seriously? REALLY? Gay monologue for a Cowboys update that went on for approximately forever. Too long. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HOW LONG IS THIS SHOW?
I think JJT is trying to sneak out. By the way, he is a dainty eater and drinks Red Bull. I’m not even pretending to watch this anymore. The guy behind me just proclaimed, ‘This show SUCKS.’ This man is on point.
OK. In this bit, the word auction is misspelled in EVERY SINGLE SUPER. JJT left. Can I?
Oh, Jason Witten .. I can’t believe you agreed to this interview pre-hit to the noggin. This show is making me sad. Nobody is even watching anymore. The guy who played Bruce Swedeass is at the table next to me. Hiding. Oh! There’s JJT again. And he brought Calvin Watkins. Damn it. This means I have to stay. Calvin Watkins is much more excited to be here. He must have had more to drink than me. Or he’s a masochist.
SERIOUSLY. WHY IS THIS NOT OVER YET?
And seriously, why is Danni Boatright maroon? Oh, thank God. Last segment. RJ Choppy from ESPN radio, talking with Boatright about sports. Hooters girls show up on the set. Virtually nobody (save for me) is watching this. Calvin Watkins just touched JJT. JJT did not look pleased. Oh, praise Jesus. It’s over. ”
And then I ducked out the door and left. Quickly. Allegedly, five more episodes are due to be produced beginning in January. They’re all produced in Dallas. Of course, I have no idea where you’ll be able to see them, because nowhere in this press packet is a mention of a network. My guess? None.
The things I do for you people.
