How the Texas Rangers Would Have Been Different Under the Ownership of an Awesome Guy, Me

Earlier today, Rangers beat writer/godless traitor Evan Grant mused about how the team would have been different under the stewardship of Mark Cuban. Which got me thinking: what would the team have been like if my bid had been accepted?

1. Following the general plot of the Michael J. Fox vehicle The Secret of My Success, the rich aunt of my uncle Howard would introduce me to all the top finance guys in town and they, stunned by my genius and charmed by my rugged good looks and salty manner, would put up the money to actually operate the team. My management team would consist of myself, die-hard Rangers fan Zach Ballenger, and another guy named Zac(h) to give an easy hook and tons of nickname/headline possibilities to the media.

2. We’d move the team to Dallas. Where? We’re building a stadium where Belo’s HQ now stands. (Oh, should have mentioned — flush with the money from those finance guys, I decided to buy Belo, too. That’s for another post.) ANYWAY, Capri Sun Field would have a retractable roof (that we would open about one week a year), an exact replica of the Old Monk behind the the center field fence, and an almost embarrassingly large smoking section. Obviously.

3. Following the general plot of the kid’s flick Little Big League, I would install myself as manager. For one thing, I look quite striking in baseball uniform pants. For another, the job doesn’t seem that hard — get into an argument with an ump every few games, don’t get caught doing cocaine, etc. I do that NOW. My brother Scott, once a Central Texas rival with current major leaguer Arthur Rhodes, is on board as pitching coach. Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO. Now get out of my office.

4. Evan Grant is banned from all Rangers facilities. But he will be allowed to call me every other day. Not about baseball. Just to chat about stuff.

5. Tons of vegetarian options at the concession stands. Don’t like it? Be glad that I didn’t convert them all to veggie-and-bourbon only. I still hypothetically might.

6. I would also be announcing all games from the dugout, on both the radio and television broadcasts. Joining me in the booth/dugout will be Rangers fan/FrontRow boss Peter Simek. Do you want a ton of arts-related dialogue delivered by two guys who speak in what could charitably be called a mumble, one of whom swears almost uncontrollably? That was rhetorical, fella.

7. We’d go 100-62 every year, until I got bored and sold the team so I could become an ultra marathoner and/or good old-fashioned adventurer.

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