Driving in the Rain in Dallas: A Guide

I should mention before I get going that I am not a huge fan of driving, mostly because I am not a huge fan of other drivers. Am I a great driver? By no means. I’ve gotten progressively worse, in fact. But! That doesn’t mean I can’t do this.

At the first sign of the slightest amount of precipitation, most Dallas drivers go into defensive mode. Not a terrible strategy on its face — but they take it too far. Imagine someone driving his great-grandmother with a broken hip to the hospital in a Model T filled with nitroglycerine on a road paved with angels’ wings and C4. This is the care many drivers take in conditions that even the most irrational meteorologist could not charitably call “rain.” They tend to start braking about 50 yards before any stop and will also jam on the brakes at the merest inkling of danger. Like, say, a twig in the road. AVOID THESE PEOPLE.

Conversely, when the rain ramps up and you feel like you’re driving your car through a 10-mile car wash fueled by pure hate from whatever is above, there is a segment of drivers who take the opposite approach from the aforementioned. Generally, these people drive trucks. Generally, these trucks have some sort of lift kit installed. These folks have what I have long described as a “eff it, I’ve got insurance” attitude. Whatever speed they would drive during optimal conditions, they add 10-20 mph to that number. AVOID THESE PEOPLE ALSO.

Then, of course, there are those with rain-induced road rage. They can sit through normal traffic, but rain brings something out of them. They can’t handle either of the two types of drivers I’ve mentioned, but they also just can’t stand driving in the rain. Their movements are erratic and unpredictable, not unlike a ninja, but not quite as smooth or awesome. These are the people who make impromptu lane changes directly into your fender and really just kick your entire commute in the jeans. It’s like a video game that instead of tokens takes your very soul. ALSO — and I think you’ve already guessed — AVOID THESE PEOPLE.

In short: stay home as long as you can. Maybe forever.

(Also, I’d like to note that I am not griping about the rain here. I love it. Compared to yesterday and the last, I don’t know, 40-50 days, I love today’s weather so much I would conjure up a spell, using the darkest of dark arts, turn rain into human form, marry it, and buy it a nice house in the suburbs — not because I want to move to the suburbs, but because I love rain so much I’ll do whatever it says. I don’t like driving in the rain, no, but I would deal with that pretty much every day until the end of time if it meant I could, just once, leave my house and make into the office without feeling like I need to change my shirt because I’m already too sweaty. Sorry, but it’s true. So save it. This is not a gripe about the weather. It’s a gripe about people, and I reserve the right to do that in any meteorological conditions. Except hail, because I truly believe that brings out the best in all of us.)

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